Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Life Is Like a Bowl of Chocolate Wrappers...

My Dove Dark chocolate wrappers are talking to me again. Or maybe it's my stomach. I did eat about fifty of them. Anyway, you know those sayings on the wrappers? Here's what mine said:

"We're in this together!"
Um, no, we're not. If we were in this together, you'd pay half my bills, clean my house, take me out to dinner once in a while and buy me more Dove Dark chocolates.

"You are never alone because I walk beside you."
Well, that's pretty damned creepy. And if you really are walking beside me, how about a hand with the shovelling? I've got 8 inches of snow and ice here.

"Remember to love and lean on others."
I'm a woman. We don't lean on people. People lean on us. A lot. And that's not necessarily a good thing.

"Strength comes from within."
So does anger, hostility, and the insatiable urge to strangle someone.

"Go for it, girl!"
I did. That's how I ended up eating a hallucinegenic amount of Dove Dark chocolates.

"Believe in yourself!"
Wait...if I don't believe in myself and a tree falls in the forest, do I even exist?

"Always think positive."
Okay...then it's a good thing my kids had Lucky Charms and Diet Coke for dinner. It's a good thing I pretend I don't see the dirty laundry every time I high jump over it to get into bed. It's a good thing I fed the dogs moldy hot dog buns because I realized at 9pm I was out of dog food and I'm too damned lazy to go out. (Psssst - this one may be my favorite!)

"Be strong and your loved ones will share in your energy."
So THAT'S where my energy goes! Damned energy leeches! I always wondered why everytime my loved ones were happy, I felt like I was drained by a starving coven of anemic vampires.

Alright my friends...what bits of inspiration would you put on these damned wrappers?

The Chocolate-Drunk Assassin

11 comments:

Anonymous said...
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TerriOsburn said...

Nothing is worse than the message on the pads to Have a Happy Period. WhoTF came up with that? Don't you wish they'd invited US to that meeting?

Inspirational chocolate wrapper message:
Avoid committing homicide, have five more.

Avoid jumping out a window, have six more.

Avoid looking in the mirror, buy another bag.

Leslie Langtry said...

Teri, you are a true poet! And the maxi pads thing is tooooooo true. Who in the hell has a happy period???

MsHellion said...

There is no problem insurmountable that a 40 acres and a shovel can't take of.

Leslie Langtry said...

Unless you are the one shovelling those 40 acres...

TerriOsburn said...

Is Hellie smoking something this morning? Or does she mean you can *bury* the problem *in* the 40 acres?

MsHellion said...

Yes, I was trying to be morbid and funny and it didn't come across, I take it.

TerriOsburn said...

I got it! Can't believe the Assassin missed that. I'm guessing the snow is blocking her neurons.

Leslie Langtry said...

Nah, it's chocolate poisoning...

mariska said...

I deserve to be happy :)

i love chocolate too, and dove is one of my favorite chocolates !

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