Wednesday, January 06, 2010

And The Award For "Worst Mother of the Year" Goes To...

Hey! Look how my dog fell asleep while I was writing this!


Me??? Ohmygod! I'm so excited! I'd like to thank my children, without whom this honor would not be possible! Do I get a tiara with this? Do I get dental? A one-way, single ticket to a Vegas spa would be nice... I don't have to take the kids do I? I mean, it IS "Worst" Mother. That should count for something.

I know, you want to know my secret! Well, obviously it's my slavish devotion to completing unwanted homework; an eye for when my kids are lying to me about whether or not they are wearing clean underwear; and the ability...no...the GIFT of screaming at decibels that frighten the guinea pigs.

I have to admit, I find the whole nomination process a bit confusing, considering that it only takes the purchase of Pop Tarts or allowing them to stay up ten minutes more that wins me "Best Mother of the Year." Clearly, the awards are subjective.

Oooh! I've been handed the nomination essay that clinched the title for me! It says;

"You are the worst mother ever! Making me do homework is CHILD ABUSE! Do you want to abuse your child? Why do you hate me? It's math! That's against the something-in-war Convention!"

You can't see this part but there are stage directions that say drop to the floor, writhe like you are burning in the fires of eternal damnation, oh yeah, and scream. Loud. Really loud.

Wow. Jack nailed that AND stuck the landing! I wonder if tantrum-throwing shouldn't be an Olympic sport! My nine-year old would win more medals than Michael Phelps after having the lower half of his body switched with a porpoise.

I am so proud of this great honor, I'm going to take a quick break and call Mom!

(insert mumbling on cell phone)

Huh. She laughed hysterically and hung up. And somehow, I feel strangely validated.

Happy New Year!

The Assassin






12 comments:

Leslie Langtry said...

Oh! I almost forgot! Happy F%$#!ing birthday to my sister - Sami!

TerriOsburn said...

Congrats! Though I think I could contend for this award. Couple nights ago, I told my child to bring me a hairbrush or I was going to shove it up her...well you can figure out the rest.

For the record, I was very perturbed.

Happy Birthday, Sami!

Leslie Langtry said...

Ha! Thank todd other parents say things like that too! I was afraid I was the only one!

MsHellion said...

*LOL* Congratulations! I think you should clinch your nomination (and win) for next year by having Jack look up and do a 10 page report on GENEVA.

Leslie Langtry said...

That's not a bad idea, Hellie. I think I just might do that!

Suzan Harden said...

Oooh! I may beat you at the WMOTY today, Leslie. I've just been told that failure to let my nine-year-old use a calculator for his math problems will result in him developing a brain tumor.

TerriOsburn said...

Nope, not just you.

Ha! My kiddo used a calculator last night. I am redeemed.

Leslie Langtry said...

Hmmm, the old I'll-get-a-brain-tumor-if-you-don't-let-me-use-a-calculator Jedi mind trick, eh?

Sandy said...

Oh God, how funny. I wonder what I would have been like if I'd been born 9 years ago instead of 65 years ago.

Anonymous said...

so, its me, your lil sis. Thanks for the birthday shout-out. Guess what your bad-ass sister did yesterday? I spent the day having coffee and pie with a lovely 87yr old woman, whom I can learn alot from....Guess Im growing up

Anonymous said...

I think any day that you don't end up throwing your children out the window or killing them is a successful day and makes you a good mom :)

Becky LeJeune said...

I love it. Love it!