Friday, January 08, 2010

"Worst Mother of the Year" snub!

On the heels of the Assassin’s nomination and win of "Worst Mother of the Year", let me just say that I am livid at the snub the committee gave me this year. I think I’ve done pretty well. Case in point:

1. I have no patience for homework. None. Especially when it’s those busy work pages that are supposed to make learning fun but actually just make kids hate things like crossword puzzles and coloring. So, the boy was going so slowly doing his homework one day that I finally said, “Geeze, just give it to me.” And, yes, I did it all for him, even going so far as to forge his handwriting. The worst part? It was so easy that I made a deal with him the next day, “I’ll do your math homework if you watch my baby for ten minutes so I can take a shower?”

2. The Boy came home from school one day all jazzed about anew website all his friends were talking about. Hot boobs dot com. “Mom, we HAVE to go there. Jimmy says it’s SO cool!” Oy vey. I knew this was one of those moments where Good Mom would know just what to say.
Clearly, I am not her, as my response was, “What do you think you’ll really see there?”
“Duh, hot boobs!”
“What makes one boob hotter than another.”
“I dunno. That’s hwy I have to look!”
I figured, I might was well let him see the website and get rid of mystique. (Either that or I was really tired that day and hadn’t had enough Starbucks to fight him yet.) So, when we got home, I let him go on my computer.
“Mom, how do you spell ‘boob’s?”
Again – Oy vey.
So I typed it into the browser for him. Yes, I helped my son visit a porn site.
(And still no bad mom nomination? Come on!)
Luckily, once he viewed the site, he did a big shrug and deiced that video games were more interesting. “That was no fun. I mean, they were just regular boobs.”

3. The boy got a video camera for Christmas. I was taping him do a funny dance on it (for later broadcast on youtube). We he was done, we played the video back, and I heard some baby crying in the background the whole time. Low and behold, I look down. Yep. It was my baby. Huh. Totally tuned him out.

Surely this deserves an honorable mention, right?

Maybe 2010 will be better…

~Trigger Happy Halliday


Leslie Langtry said...

Wow, Gemma, I'm not sure you were nominated or you would've usurped me. (Isn't "usurped" a great word?)

TerriOsburn said...

I can't compete with this.

Becky LeJeune said...

You guys are too funny! Thanks for making me laugh today!

Jana DeLeon said...

I think it makes perfectly good sense to show him the site. Remove the mystery and it won't matter any longer.

I'm sure some mothers might have a fit, but I'm all for logical. Of course, I don't have kids....

Gemma Halliday said...

That's totaly what I was thinking, Jana! Plus, I needed more coffee to come up with a reason why he shouldn't see it without going into the whole birds & bees watching internet porn talk. *shudder* I'm not ready for that yet.

MsHellion said...

Yeah, I gotta agree about the porn site. I'm laughing about the homework...and the baby crying in the background is hysterical.

I think if you had been nominated, you and Leslie would have at least tied... Then again, I have a feeling you WERE nominated but the committee went, "A crying baby no one noticed? No. Not possible. No mother is that awful; this is a made up nomination." And tossed yours out.

Sorta like why you shouldn't write about your relatives in books because your stuff would get rejected because editors don't believe anyone's family is that awful, horrible, and rednecky.

Next time someone nominates you or you nominate yourself, put in something only mildly horrific. Like you sent them to bed without brushing their teeth.

Leslie Langtry said...

I had a friend who told me over xmas break she was a horrible mother because she didn't get up and make her teen daughters their breakfast one morning. I love her, but I wanted to kill her.

Refhater said...

Is it too late to nominte my mother? LOL!!!

I have white-out in my baby book becuase my mother couldn't remember which day I was born on. She also sent out all the birth announcements with the wrong date because she didn't want to re-do them. I was 12 before she finally got my birthday right.

She accidently set my birthday cake on fire (long story, but think of a volcano science experiment.) and then frosted it and fed it to me anyway.

And, She consistantly calls me the wrong name. (Usually her sister's.)

Don't sweat the small stuff. It just proves that you're human like the rest of us. And, it will just give your kids great stories to tell about you when you're 90 and senile.

Lucy said...

I don't know Gemma, some people say it's healthy to let your baby cry . . . something about helping the lungs develop. *snort*

Funny stuff, thanks for sharing. lol

Anonymous said...

[b]xp software for sale, [url=]educational software for students[/url]
[url=]education software store[/url] education software discounts cheap software sale
cheap software at [url=]to sell software product[/url] kaspersky key
[url=]rs232 to filemaker pro[/url] Cut Express 4 Mac
[url=]2008 software purchase[/url] www cheap software
discount adobe acrobat 9 [url=]windows xp easter eggs[/url][/b]