"Worst Mother of the Year" snub!

On the heels of the Assassin’s nomination and win of "Worst Mother of the Year", let me just say that I am livid at the snub the committee gave me this year. I think I’ve done pretty well. Case in point:

1. I have no patience for homework. None. Especially when it’s those busy work pages that are supposed to make learning fun but actually just make kids hate things like crossword puzzles and coloring. So, the boy was going so slowly doing his homework one day that I finally said, “Geeze, just give it to me.” And, yes, I did it all for him, even going so far as to forge his handwriting. The worst part? It was so easy that I made a deal with him the next day, “I’ll do your math homework if you watch my baby for ten minutes so I can take a shower?”

2. The Boy came home from school one day all jazzed about anew website all his friends were talking about. Hot boobs dot com. “Mom, we HAVE to go there. Jimmy says it’s SO cool!” Oy vey. I knew this was one of those moments where Good Mom would know just what to say.
Clearly, I am not her, as my response was, “What do you think you’ll really see there?”
“Duh, hot boobs!”
“What makes one boob hotter than another.”
“I dunno. That’s hwy I have to look!”
I figured, I might was well let him see the website and get rid of mystique. (Either that or I was really tired that day and hadn’t had enough Starbucks to fight him yet.) So, when we got home, I let him go on my computer.
“Mom, how do you spell ‘boob’s?”
Again – Oy vey.
So I typed it into the browser for him. Yes, I helped my son visit a porn site.
(And still no bad mom nomination? Come on!)
Luckily, once he viewed the site, he did a big shrug and deiced that video games were more interesting. “That was no fun. I mean, they were just regular boobs.”
Sigh.

3. The boy got a video camera for Christmas. I was taping him do a funny dance on it (for later broadcast on youtube). We he was done, we played the video back, and I heard some baby crying in the background the whole time. Low and behold, I look down. Yep. It was my baby. Huh. Totally tuned him out.

Surely this deserves an honorable mention, right?

Maybe 2010 will be better…


~Trigger Happy Halliday