Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Life Is Like a Bowl of Chocolate Wrappers...

My Dove Dark chocolate wrappers are talking to me again. Or maybe it's my stomach. I did eat about fifty of them. Anyway, you know those sayings on the wrappers? Here's what mine said:

"We're in this together!"
Um, no, we're not. If we were in this together, you'd pay half my bills, clean my house, take me out to dinner once in a while and buy me more Dove Dark chocolates.

"You are never alone because I walk beside you."
Well, that's pretty damned creepy. And if you really are walking beside me, how about a hand with the shovelling? I've got 8 inches of snow and ice here.

"Remember to love and lean on others."
I'm a woman. We don't lean on people. People lean on us. A lot. And that's not necessarily a good thing.

"Strength comes from within."
So does anger, hostility, and the insatiable urge to strangle someone.

"Go for it, girl!"
I did. That's how I ended up eating a hallucinegenic amount of Dove Dark chocolates.

"Believe in yourself!"
Wait...if I don't believe in myself and a tree falls in the forest, do I even exist?

"Always think positive."
Okay...then it's a good thing my kids had Lucky Charms and Diet Coke for dinner. It's a good thing I pretend I don't see the dirty laundry every time I high jump over it to get into bed. It's a good thing I fed the dogs moldy hot dog buns because I realized at 9pm I was out of dog food and I'm too damned lazy to go out. (Psssst - this one may be my favorite!)

"Be strong and your loved ones will share in your energy."
So THAT'S where my energy goes! Damned energy leeches! I always wondered why everytime my loved ones were happy, I felt like I was drained by a starving coven of anemic vampires.

Alright my friends...what bits of inspiration would you put on these damned wrappers?

The Chocolate-Drunk Assassin


Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
TerriOsburn said...

Nothing is worse than the message on the pads to Have a Happy Period. WhoTF came up with that? Don't you wish they'd invited US to that meeting?

Inspirational chocolate wrapper message:
Avoid committing homicide, have five more.

Avoid jumping out a window, have six more.

Avoid looking in the mirror, buy another bag.

Leslie Langtry said...

Teri, you are a true poet! And the maxi pads thing is tooooooo true. Who in the hell has a happy period???

MsHellion said...

There is no problem insurmountable that a 40 acres and a shovel can't take of.

Leslie Langtry said...

Unless you are the one shovelling those 40 acres...

TerriOsburn said...

Is Hellie smoking something this morning? Or does she mean you can *bury* the problem *in* the 40 acres?

MsHellion said...

Yes, I was trying to be morbid and funny and it didn't come across, I take it.

TerriOsburn said...

I got it! Can't believe the Assassin missed that. I'm guessing the snow is blocking her neurons.

Leslie Langtry said...

Nah, it's chocolate poisoning...

mariska said...

I deserve to be happy :)

i love chocolate too, and dove is one of my favorite chocolates !

Anonymous said...

Good day, sun shines!
There have were times of hardship when I didn't know about opportunities of getting high yields on investments. I was a dump and downright pessimistic person.
I have never thought that there weren't any need in big initial investment.
Nowadays, I'm happy and lucky , I started take up real income.
It's all about how to choose a correct companion who uses your money in a right way - that is incorporate it in real deals, parts and divides the income with me.

You can get interested, if there are such firms? I'm obliged to tell the truth, YES, there are. Please get to know about one of them:
[url=] Online investment blog[/url]