Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Things You Shouldn't Come Home To...


For those of you who don’t know, I have recently taken a day job. It is a long story that I’ll go into another time. Anyway, it’s an awesome job and I’m really enjoying it. And yes, I’m still writing my books, so don’t worry. By the way, did you know that sleep could never, ever be overrated? Yeah, I was surprised too.

The cool part is that I get to wear all those abfab clothes and shoes, and carry all those handbags I haven’t used in years. Somehow, a pair of Carlos by Carlos Santana platform sandals doesn’t work with a t-shirt and sweatpants.

The weird part is coming home to my kids, who seemed like “just kids” before but now resemble little people who were visited by the Responsibility Fairy. They do their chores and homework. Why didn't anyone tell me I just had to go back to work to get that???

The first day I came home, I flung open the door, awaiting my hero’s welcome. Both kids looked at me and mumbled, “hey,” before going back to whatever they were doing. That was somewhat anti-climactic. I went straight to the phone and called my mom to apologize for doing that to her all those years.

Mr. Assassin must have threatened them with the Bore Worms (“NO! Not the Bore Worms!) because since that day, they have leaped into my arms as Stepford Children.

Mr. Assassin had to go back to work after Cmas break, so we revisited the nostalgia of our youth and turned our children into latchkey kids. And they’ve done very well. Miss Margaret texts me when she and Jack get home. And then proceeds to text me every five minutes regarding Jack’s personal hygiene, his general mood and how many bowel movements he has. She goes on to rat him out on everything even remotely bad he might be doing.

I am working on resolving this issue.

So imagine my surprise when I arrived home last night to find both kids just inside the door, shifting nervously as if they were running a heroin ring using the basset as a drug mule. It went a little something like this:

Me: What did you do?

Margaret: Mom, don’t be mad at us!

Uh oh.

Jack: Can we have another dog?

Margaret: There’s a surprise in the basement!

Not only did I breathe a sigh of relief, but I decided I had to work with them on their surprise-there’s-a-dog/Joe-the-plumber/dead hooker-in-the-basement routine.

So, I follow them downstairs while Margaret tells me they found a stray Pug and brought him in.

Jack: We saved his life!

Margaret: Yeah! She could’ve frozen to death out there and there’s no collar, so can we keep her?

Me: That’s a Shih tzu.

Margaret: It is? I thought it was a Pug.

Me: That doesn’t look anything like Lucy. That dog is thin and has lots of hair.

Margaret: So can we keep it?

Me: (Picking up the dog) No. Sara and Doug across the street would miss Herkey. (Continue carrying dog upstairs and dialing cell phone.)

Jack: What? What do you mean? (He says that a lot. It’s really annoying.)

That’s right. My kids stole the neighbor’s dog. And she happens to be the PTA president. I am so screwed.

The Assassin

15 comments:

Laurel Bradley said...

Do your kids steal cats too? My husband would appreciate our "beloved feline" (notice the quotes) finding a loving new home.

The kids would miss the cat, but they'd get over it if they knew for certain said cat found a loving new home and they could then get a dog.

I'd honestly miss the cat. Most days.

The cat's name is Tucker, but he would ignore a new name with equal enthusiasm. :-)

(Don't get all growly on me. This is a very pampered kitty--his bed is even heated.)

Laurel Bradley
A Wish in Time
Creme Brulee Upset
www.laurelbradley.com

Leslie Langtry said...

Laurel! That's pretty funny. No cats so far. The photo is of one of our cats who managed to get into the guinea pig cage and hang out with them one afternoon.

Love "Creme Brulee Upset!" What a great title!

terrio said...

See, that picture totally threw me off. LOL! Industrious kiddos you have there. Almost as if they were in training for some kind of future criminal activity. Hmmm....

Keri Ford said...

What about toddlers? Will they steal a toddler for a few hours? He comes with a puppy!

You know, sad part is, your PTA lady probably let the dog out to go potty and that's when your kids swiped him!

Christie Craig said...

Too Funny Leslie!

You're lucky the dog belonged to the neighbor, at my house, we end up keeping every stray. Well, except the chicken.

Great post.

CC

Leslie Langtry said...

While I'd go ga-ga over the toddler, my kids would go crazy over a puppy. Not sure if you live across the street though...that seems to be part of the equation.

A chicken, Christie? Really?

Gemma Halliday said...

I love your kids. You know, in a wow-I'm-glad-they-live-half-a-country-away kind of way. Then again... I do have an old incontinent hamster that could use a good home...

~Gemma

Jenyfer Matthews said...

LOL - my kids are kind of animal phobic so I think I'm safe on that front anyway!!

Leslie Langtry said...

Incontinent hamster? That can't be good. BTW, how do you know he's incontinent? Don't they just "go" whenever and wherever they want to anyway?

Wendy Roberts said...

Thanks for the laugh! I swear there's a book somewhere in the 'tattling by text message' thing kids kids have going on these days! Hope the kids continue being responsible humans and leave the neighborhood pets alone he he.

Sandy said...

What a cute story, Christie. Great kids, too.

Sandy

The Catalyst and Addiction at
http://www.forbiddenpublications.com

catslady said...

LOL I thought the cat was in a large bird cage and had eaten said bird.

You got out lucky. I just found a poor stray kitten but even after a trip (and tons of money) to the vet it didn't make it - I'm really heart broken.

Leslie Langtry said...

Oh! I hate it when that happens! That's so sad!

Donna Marie Rogers said...

This is the funniest thing I've read in weeks, thank you. LOL

MsHellion said...

OMG, I'm so sorry I missed this yesterday...what a riot. *LOL* You can't make this stuff up... *LOL* You ARE Ginny Bombay!