Friday, December 05, 2008

Hilarious High School Essays

I recently stumbled upon this list somewhere online (Amazing how one link leads to anther which lead to another and another and sudden your search for which caliber gun would leave the smallest hole in a victim turns into a tangent on the flooding streets of Venice!), and it was just too funny not to share. Also, I’m injured this week and typing with just three fingers, so I’m totally into the pre-written for me blogs. :) Rosie the Wonder Hamster got sick this week and, as I was trying to give her medicine, her feverish little rodent brain mistook two of my fingers for yummy carrots. And bit them. Hard. Ouch. Blood, purple swelling, bandages, many curses involving threats of feeding her to the neighbor’s cat. (No, don’t call the ASPCA on me, I didn’t really. But there may be a tiny fuzzy victim in my next book…) So… to spare me more awkward typing, here is a list of actual analogies and metaphors taken from high school essays. Enjoy! (And you may not want to take a mouthful of coffee before reading. Just sayin’.)


1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master.

2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

3. He spoke with the wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking at high schools about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.

4. She grew on him like she was a colony of E. Coli and he was room-temperature Canadian beef.

5. She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes just before it throws up.

6. Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

7. He was as tall as a six-foot-three-inch tree.

8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.

10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.

11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie,surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

12. Her hair glistened in the rain like a nose hair after a sneeze.

13. The hailstones leaped from the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.

14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 p.m. traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at4:19 p.m. at a speed of 35 mph.

15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.

16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.

17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.

18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.

19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.

20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,this plan just might work.

21. The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.

22. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame…maybe from stepping on a land mine or something.

23. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.

24. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools.

25. He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.

26. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.

27. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.

28. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.



~Trigger Happy Halliday

12 comments:

Christie Craig said...

What's sad is that I might have to steal one or two of these. (Big smile!)

Great post. Hope your finger heals quickly and keep the cat away. Now that you've threatened the poor rodent publically, if anything happens, you'll be a prime suspect. (Hey, I watch Law & Order.)


CC

Lucy said...

Those are too funny.

Wendy Roberts said...

My favorite is # 10 lol!

Our hamster was upset by your cat remark but I defended you ;)

Gemma Halliday said...

Now that you've threatened the poor rodent publically, if anything happens, you'll be a prime suspect. (Hey, I watch Law & Order.)

Great, and my fingerprints are all over her cage, too!

~Gemma

Gemma Halliday said...

Our hamster was upset by your cat remark but I defended you ;)

Normally, I am a very hamster loving person. Hey, I even ran all over town tracking down medicine for her. Even when the guy at the first pet store laughed at me and said, "Seriously?? They make medicine for those little things?"

~Gemma

catslady said...

It actually hurt to read some of those lol (like your bitten fingers throbbing like you know fingers do like a headache throbs you know) hahahahaha.

Keri Ford said...

I'm curious to know what a teenager was doing to come across #28

It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

Tori Lennox said...

I've seen these before but they're still funny! And they really make you wonder about the writers. *g*

Estella said...

Too funny!

Leslie Langtry said...

Oh my god. I love these! Especially the oval that looks like a ring gently pressed by a thighmaster!

Have you ever noticed that we never see Suzanne Sommers' thighs in the ads?

Gillian Layne said...

OMG--I laughed til I cried! These are priceless....:)

Sue A. said...

Very funny! But some hurt my brain. Is there such a thing as a brain twister?