Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Spring Time Lessons













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There is no denying it. It’s spring in Houston, Texas. Yup, Certain things happen at this time of year. The most noticeable sign is that I, the little woman, the wife, with my chin tucked to my chest, my eyes held downward, automatically start walking six steps behind my much respected and adored husband.

Oh, I’m not being subservient; there really isn’t a submissive bone in my body. Don’t get me wrong, I respect my husband, and love him, but my six-steps-behind spring march isn’t due to any of that. It stems from pure shameless self-preservation.

You see, I live in the very wooded area of Houston. And this time of year brings out an onslaught of critters—some nice, and some not so nice. The arrival of the clay-colored Robins is a sure sign that old man winter has given up the good fight and gone into hiding. Last weekend, I sat at my desk and watched a possum and her two babies march across my backyard patio. Included in this onslaught of critters are the mosquitoes, aka the hungry little bastards. Oh, then there are the snakes, who never fail to sneak into the house and get the cats all riled up. But honestly, this blog isn’t about Robins, possums, mosquitoes, or snakes.

It’s about one of biggest fears. And I’m not talking about the fear that George Clooney will show up on a bad hair day, when the girl’s aren’t supported and I’m still wearing my soon-to-retire “Hot Stuff” nightshirt. Nope, I’m talking about the creepy, crawly eight-legged beasts. I’m talking my all-time feared enemy: the spider.

And because we live in a wooded area, with lots of trees, and lots of bushes, these Texas-size arachnids just love to build their webs, stretched across the walking paths of my front yard. So, whenever we arrive home, I wait until hubby starts through the paths, his much respected and loved six-foot-two frame clearing away any spider . . . or web. Nevertheless, these eight-legged spring-time beasts aren’t limited to just the paths in my front yard.

It happened four nights ago. It was late, and I was checking email in my office one more time before I hit the sack. When I went to leave the room, I saw it. It was huge, freaking huge. It was ugly. The thing had hair growing on his butt! And it had built itself a honking hotel-size web right outside my French doors. Obviously, the light in my study attracted enough insects that the blood-sucking twerp thought it was the perfect place to call home.

With chills running down my spine I hotfooted it upstairs. In a screechy voice I told hubby, “You gotta job to do! There’s a spider, the size of a baseball (Yes, I exaggerated a bit, it was only the size of a golf ball on steroids) taking up residence right outside my French doors. You gotta evict the sucker.”

He promised me that he would take care of the situation first thing in the morning. Having faith in my man, and believing him when he promised the spider wouldn’t find its way in the house, up the stairs, and down the hall to crawl in bed with me, I agreed to let the eviction notice wait till morning.

Now, let’s fast forward to the morning. “It’s not here,” hubby said when I had dragged his butt downstairs to do his job. “You must have imagined it.”

“Please,” I told him. “I’m a romance writer and I have much more important things to use my imagination on than a freaking hairy-assed spider.”

“Well, maybe he heard you scream about eviction notices and packed up his web and left.”

I couldn’t deny that the spider was gone. But the next night when I went to cut off my computer, I saw it again. Same place, same ugly spider. Hair still growing on its butt. Running for help, I got the same song and dance from hubby. “Tomorrow. I’ll do it tomorrow. I’m in bed. Let the guy live another night.”

Much to my dismay, the next morning was a repeat of the morning before. I knew I wasn’t crazy, but the fact remained the spider wasn’t there. Obviously, the thing was nocturnal and he took his web with him when he left. Hubby didn’t seem to buy it.

Now, let’s fast forward to the next night. Oh, yes, this is where it gets fun. Hubby was taking out the garbage, via my office door, and I was putting away some groceries. Do you see where I’m going with this?

Now according to hubby, he swung the door open and was mid-step, too late to stop, when he saw the thing.

I heard a knock coming from the office and I thought hubby was playing with the cats. But then I heard him yell for me. Of course, I went to the rescue. He stood right inside my office, running his hands through his hair, and the look on his face--panic. Now let me stop here and explain. Hubby isn’t normally afraid of spiders, but remember this thing was huge, ugly, and had hair on its butt!

Hubby looked at me and said, “Do you see it?” At that point, I didn’t have a clue what he meant.

“See what?” And then I did see it. Not the hairy-butted spider, but the spider web hanging from his ear. I looked outside and spotted the garbage strewn all over the back patio, then I looked back at my much panicked hubby. “You believe me now, don’t you?”

He barely nodded, because he was way too busy dusting off his jacket with one hand, while trying to get the web off his ear with the other, all the while shaking his head like wet dog. “Do you see it?” he asked turning in circles.

Being the wife I am, loving the man like I do, I only backed up five or six feet.

“Crap,” he said. “That thing was huge.” Now he thinks it’s huge, huh? “Do you see it,” he turned around again. “Crap, where would it go?” He stepped closer to me, still shaking his head as if to dislodge the spider from his hair. I of course took a step back. “What’s a spider’s instinct? What will he do?” he asked.

“Bite,” I said. Hey, he asked and I was only being honest.

My words led to him yanking off his jacket and slinging it to the floor. Then he started dusting himself off and shaking his head again. When he did his next turn, I saw it.

“There! On your leg.” Of course, I took a few steps back. Don’t judge me until you see one of these things.

Hubby grabbed the bag I held in my hand and knocked the freaking huge thing to the floor and stepped on its hairy butt. Then he looked up at me and said, “See, nothing to it.”

I crossed my arms over my chest and stared. I knew he was trying to collect his machismo by acting cool. I decided not to remind that he was almost acting as bad as me, but neither was I gonna stay completely silent. “Maybe next time you’ll believe me.”

He grins, and in his sarcastic voice said, “Probably not.”

I stood there for a few seconds. Then I smiled.

“What?” he asked.

“Nothing,” I turned to leave, but he must have seen it in my eyes.

“Oh, crap,” I heard him say. “You’re gonna blog about this, aren’t you?”

Now where would this man get an idea like that? So there you have it. Spring time lessons from the Craig Household. How is your spring going? Are you feeling spring fever? Have you ever seen a hairy-butted spider?

28 comments:

jbrayweber said...

LOL, Christie.
Since I live in the same wooded area of SE Texas, I think I know exactly what hairy-butted spider you are referring to. And I have TWO of them.

They ARE nocturnal and they DO get freakin' huge! So do their webs, which are beautiful when laden with dew.

They are brazen, too. They'll drop down on you as you walk past. The bigger the prey, the better. It's hilarious to hear a man squeal like a girl.

Jenn!

Edie Ramer said...

LOL I'm normally not afraid of spiders, but that one would have me screaming for my husband too. What makes me scream is wasps who get in the house. I've had to close my office door and stay away from my computer for hours until my husband could come home and look for the wasp. Hate them.

TerriOsburn said...

This just made my day. LOL!

Christie Craig said...

Jenn,

Yowzy, you have two of them. Remind me to never come to your house!!! And yes, I've seen spider webs laden with morning dew, glistening in the first sprays of morning sun, and there's nothing beautiful about it!!!

I really, really don't like spiders.

Thanks for stopping by.

CC

Christie Craig said...

Edie,

I don't like wasps, but they don't make me squeal like a spider. I can even take a fly swatter to one. I'm alergic to bees and while I will move away from a bee, they don't scare me as much as a spider.

Thanks for posting.

CC

Christie Craig said...

Terri,

I'm glad I gave you smile today. Keep on smiling.

CC

MsHellion said...

I found a small spider in the bathroom the other day, but I let him remain. He doesn't look like one of the dangerous ones (recluse). I think it was one of the wolf ones.

But if he jumps out at me again, he will find himself dead. You get one warning and then you're done.

Snakes bother me more. MUCH, MUCH more.

I am enjoying the sounds of spring though. I heard frogs chorusing the other night and it was beautiful!

Marian Pearson Stevens said...

I laughed on that one, Christie!

Um, it's the scorpions I really don't like. Probably because one time I got stung in bed. Aren't any places sacred anymore?!

Good luck with those critters!

Christie Craig said...

MsHellion,

One warning, huh? I have the no warning rule when it comes to spiders. Now snakes, last year I found one in my kitchen. My cats thought it was their new chase toy. I caught it with a broom and dustpan--closest I've come to those cleaning suppies in a while--and let it go outside.

And I agree, the sounds of spring are very nice. It's the birds I hear mostly.

Thanks for posting, girl!

CC

Christie Craig said...

Marian,

In bed? Oh lordie. That's almost as bad as my granddaddy. He was about to get a bath and was cleaning out the bathroom drain when he found his scorpion. It was also the first and only time I saw my granddaddy running naked out of the bathroom.

Thanks for posting.

CC

Sandy said...

ROFLMAO Men, they're so funny. I don't like spiders either.

Katherine said...

Oh Christie, you are a woman after my own heart!!! I am terrified of spiders! This was a classic and just too funny!!! I'll be laughing all day!
“You believe me now, don’t you?”

Hugs!
Katherine

Gail Dayton said...

I don't have so much of a problem with spiders, as I do with their webs (and with cockaroaches)--but yeah, I've seen those hairy butt spiders. When we lived in the Panhandle, there were huge spiders that were striped, with a diamondy pattern on the back. (Diamond-back spiders!)

In our first rent house on Galveston Island, there were big old spiders that looked kinda like crabs. (Appropriate for an island) They came in all sizes, from pinky-fingernail size to a couple inches across. I thought they were actually cool looking.

As long as the spiders aren't Inside, and don't put their webs where I walk, I actually like having them around, because they EAT all those Other bugs.

I think I was critter-proofed by my brother, growing up. He's just a year & a half younger than me, and brought all kinds of frogs, snakes, bugs--you name it. And it would annoy him hugely if I didn't react. So I didn't. ;)

However, cockroaches & water bugs will totally freak me out. Those are my freakout bugs.

Christie Craig said...

Hi Sandy,

Men are funny, but darn if they aren't so lovable!

Thanks for stopping by.

CC

Christie Craig said...

Katherine,

I don't what it is about a spider, but when they move and their eight legs wiggle, it's send pure fear right to my heart.

I think the fear of spiders is passed down from my mother. And hey, if you think I'm bad, my mom can't even see a spider on television without screaming. And my daughter has the same fear. I guess we learn to be afraid of the same things our parents are fightened of.

Thanks for visiting today.

Tori Lennox said...

Yikes! I hate spiders!!! Well, I hate bugs in general but spiders are at the very tip top of my hate list.

Suzan Harden said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Suzan Harden said...

ROFLMAO!! Poor Steve will never get his man card back at this rate.

(Sorry, I laughing so hard I multiple typos in that last post.)

Christie Craig said...

Gail,

Diamond or not, crab like or not, if they have eight legs, I don't like 'em! And I with you about the web. Feeling a spider web against my skin is bad. Yes, it's probably because I always imagine the spider attached to the web, but nevertheless, it's terrible.

Critter-proofed? I like that. I had two brothers and they were into frogs and snakes. Oddly, I'm not frightened of either, so maybe I was semi critter-proofed.

Thanks for stopping by.

CC

Christie Craig said...

Tori,

Yup, spiders at the top of my hate list, too.

Thanks for coming by.

CC

Christie Craig said...

Hey Suzan,

Yup, it was funny to watch. Ahh, but I swear, lost man card or not, that man still has enough charm to warm my heart.

CC

misskallie2000 said...

LO)L..We have them here in GA. I keep most of the pest out of house with the RidX electronic zapper?? But outside they lay in wait for me. Yeek...

At least your have your hubby to assist where I only have 3 cats. Of course they do love to chase them if they can. LOL

Christie Craig said...

MissKallie,

That Zapper sounds like a good thing!

My cats love to give chase to anything that gets in the house. The problem is one of the cats loves to catch whatever it is and bring it to me and drop it in my lap. Not good! So not good!

CC

Donna Marie Rogers said...

Literally LMFAO, Christie! I have a HUGE fear of spiders, and thankfully *knock on wood* I've never seen a spider that big up here is Wisconsin. But it wouldn't matter, even the small ones send me running from the room in a fit of hysteria. LOL

Donna Marie Rogers said...

Ooh, almost forgot my mutant spider story!

I was babysitting for my good friend Stacey's kids, and they found a spider in one of my shoes. Freaked out, I ran the shoe into the bathroom, smacked the spider into the toilet and flushed. That @#$% spider raced around the inside of the toilet bowl till the flush was done. Panicked, but trying to save face in front of the kids (who love spiders, by the way, and didn't want me to kill it *g*), I hit flush again. And again that spider raced around the toilet bowl until the flushing was done. Heart racing, I tried one last time, and this time, the little bastard went down...LOL Man, just thinking about it still creeps me out.

Christie Craig said...

Donna,

Don't come down south. The spiders here are mega sized. And girl, you did good. Just keep hitting flush until the darn thing is down. Though I have to admit, I'd freaked out if the spider was quicker than the flush

Thanks for stopping in.

CC

Jenyfer Matthews said...

Ha! You made me remember the time that my sister found a wolf spider inside the sleeve of the jacket she was wearing - talk about hysterical, I'm surprised she didn't have a heart attack on the spot!

Hate big spiders...

Christie Craig said...

Jenyfer,

I'll just bet if I found a wolf spider inside my jacket that I would have out-done your sister. We're talking stripping, screaming, and pretty much acting like a fool. LOL.

Thanks for stopping by.

CC