Wednesday, August 19, 2009

You Asked for a Photo of a Shaved Dog...

YOU have won a FABULOUS Prize!

No, you haven't won the dog. With as much blood (I cut myself a couple of times) sweat (did you know dog hair sticks to sweat?) and tears (I'm pretty sure the dog cried) as it cost, I'm not giving Muppet away.

No! Two of last week's participants have each won a copy of my friend, Ella March Chase's The Virgin Queen's Daughter and my other friend (yes, I have two), Susan Carroll's Twilight of a Queen TOTALLY personalized because I really do know them!

So who is it? Who came up with the most devious method of choosing a winner? And why am I dragging this out (besides the obvious reason that I'm completely out of ideas)?

Well, it was tough. On the one hand, I was very tempted to smother the guinea pigs in mayo, write names all over them and then coat my hands in K-Y. I thought it was a brilliant idea that Sarah had.

Have you ever tried to get mayo and K-Y out of a pet's hair? No? Well I have. And believe you, me, it can't be done without gallons of Dawn dish liquid and a bottle of grain alcohol.

So, I went with the one I knew I'd have fun with...guns. Now, the original concept called for bb guns. But wouldn't it be a LOT more fun with semi-automatics? And I am a card-carrying member of the local indoor shooting range. So I packed up my .45 and hit it.

Here's the problem. I'm a very, very, good shot. I know that doesn't sound like a problem. But whoever's name is in the middle is gonna get picked. Of course, I didn't realize this until half an hour into it and hitting Hellion's name over and over cuz it's in the middle and that's traditionally where I aim. I don't have it in me to aim blindly. And because I can see the target, there's no random. Ever.
So I came home and sulked. Not alone. I had a couple of bottles of Mad Housewife. And while I sulked, I channel surfed. Because nothing goes better with a morose attitude and liquor like coasting through bad tv.

How was I going to pick a winner? Technically, I'd already tried a somewhat mutated and more dangerous version of Robyn L.'s suggestion. So Robyn L - you win!

But I needed another winner. As I sat there, drinking and watching really old episodes of Charmed (it was on three stations in a row, if you can believe that), I noticed a strange pattern evolving. First, my friend, Sara, e-mailed me (because it's just not multi-tasking if I can't check e-mail while drinking, sulking and watching tv). As soon as I hit "send" in the reply, an ad for "Terminator" came on, talking about Sarah Connor. I changed the channel and found (and I am not making this up, folks) a Hall and Oates video (did I ever tell you I skipped my junior prom for a Hall and Oates concert in Cedar Rapids?) for the song "Sarah Smile" was airing. At that moment, my daughter came into the room (yes, I drink in front of my children all the time) and asked what my half-sister's name was again. It is, in fact, Sara.


Sarah wins the other book set. Which is cool because I really did love the greased guinea pig ploy and really weird because you need to get out of my head now. Please.

I liked that contest. If it wasn't for the headache that followed this strenuous and creepy decision-making process, I'd do it all the time.
So there you have it.

Robyn L. and Sarah, e-mail me at so I can send you your books.

Until next week when I'll come up with a new contest because this was WAY too much fun!
The Assassin


MsHellion said...

I can't decide if I'm disturbed by the fact my name was the one that kept being hit during GUN TARGET practice OR if I'm disturbed that I clearly got hit numerous times and didn't win a prize! *LOL*

However, congratulations to Robyn and Sara!

And I'm so glad to finally see a picture of the shaved dog... *LOL*

TerriOsburn said...

That poor pooch. I hope you gave her (him?) extra treats after this horrible humiliation. (I'm the alliteration queen today.)

Hellie - At least it was your name and not your picture.

I was doomed. No one ever sings love songs to a girl named Terri.

Congrats, ladies!

Leslie Langtry said...

Hellion, you know i love you! It's just your name was in the middle and that's what I kept hitting. It has nothing to do with anything!

Heather Webber said...

I've never greased a guinea pig or shaved a dog (thank goodness) but I have given antibiotics to a hamster via dropper. It's as hard as it sounds...'

Muppet is adorable, btw!

Mr. Assassin said...

I was hoping for a picture of something else shaved. Probably not appropriate for your shared blog.

TerriOsburn said...

I KNEW it was a euphemism.

Leslie Langtry said...

(Um, honey, that's personal.)
Mr. Assassin, everyone!

Sergeant Assassin said...

are you saying that you don't support the troops'(erections)?