How to Spell M-I-D-O-L

I'm on a rant today, folks. Sorry about that in advance.

So the British have decided to drop the rule, "I before E, except after C" eh? Mighty big of them, considering they foisted that stupid rule on us in the first place. Not that I ever paid attention to it, mind you. There were so many exceptions it was absurd. Rote memory is the only way to learn that crap.

And what is more bizarre than anything I can make up, people are rioting over this. Thin, middle-aged men with bad haircuts and tweed jackets are coming to fisticuffs over this. There was a guy on the radio yesterday who was screaming about how cataclysmic changing this rule would be. Bring on the apocalypse...if you can spell it, that is.

Personally, I think the British have every right to change English. It is the King's English and they did #@!% it up to begin with. Why don't they take the "u" out of "colour" and "flavour" while they are at it? And what about those stupid "k's" on "knowledge" and silent "p's" on "pneumatic?"

Perhaps I shouldn't complain, because I have a knack for spelling. I've always been pretty good at it. There's a trick to it, like doing math in your head - which is, by the way, something I can't do. But give me a word and throw in a French double twist and I've got it. I'd rather have another talent, like the ability to fly or a knack for not killing every plant in my yard. But no, spelling it is.

So with my love/knack/curse for spelling, you'd probably think I'd be a big fan of the National Spelling Bee, right? You couldn't be more wrong.

Here's an idea; let's take some little kids, make them spend twelve hours a day outside of school studying the dictionary to the point where they pass out on stage from stress to learn words that 1) rocket scientists don't even need to know how to spell and 2) every kindergartner can spell like a champion with spell-check.

Seriously. How is this going to help these kids later in life? It always comes down to medical and latin terms. Okay, so maybe if the kid becomes a doctor, and has no secretary, computer or dictionary, it might come in useful. Oh wait, that's impossible. Who will schedule their tee time?

I've seen documentaries on these spelling bee kids. They sadly watch their friends go play while they are quizzed by stage moms who think that spelling blah-blah-blah will take them somewhere in life. The big Bee is for eighth graders. Then it is over. The kid goes onto high school and can spell, but doesn't know who Beyonce is or how to use Facebook - a mortal sin in teenage wasteland.

Spelling is a useful talent...especially if you are an illiterate Amish newspaper editor. But these days, I just need to know how to spell the important medications...like Midol. Which I'm going off to shoot up now, if I can find a vein.

The Assassin