Tuesday, October 14, 2008

My new worst enemy.

She hates me. I know it. But hey, I’m not crazy about her, either.

Okay, that’s a tad of an understatement. I pretty much loath her as much as she does me. However, she always seems to get my blood pressure up, while I don’t faze her. It almost appears as if she chuckles at my attempts to rile her, and I swear I hear her taunting me, “Ha, you don’t have what it takes.”

It would be easy if I could just walk away, but she’s taken up residence in my study.

Yup, as I write, she peers over my shoulder. If I dare go grab a snack (You know, the good snacks, like those little Halloween candy bars, that shouldn’t have calories in them, but do) she stands as a reminder to how hard it is to get the calorie-results to go away.

Yup, my new worst enemy is a Pro-form 320 Elliptical machine.

I swear, guys, I didn’t know what I was doing when I paid to bring her home. I mean, I thought we could become instant friends. People at the store swore I’d love her. Love her?

Would somebody please tell me how that is possible? She’s a torture machine. And I didn’t come by this opinion hastily. I fully intended for our relationship to be one that I would cherish. The day after I brought her home, I got all suited up, like going on a date. I put on my new workout clothes, an extra swipe of deodorant, and with my head held high and determined to win the battle of the bulge, I crawled on top of her.

I want you to know that I lasted a whole . . . two minutes.


Hey, I knew I wasn’t in the best condition, but . . . two minutes? Come on!!! I can almost hold my breath for that long. But after a measly 120 seconds, I was a goner, toast, a bundle of spasming muscles and nerve endings. (And please do not compare this to an orgasm, because it’s not the good kind of reduced-to-a-puddle type of feeling. Ahh, but being the fighter that I am . . . I got my breath under control, sopped the sweat off my brow, and crawled back on top of my new worse enemy to give her another taste of me.

And you will be so proud to know that I SHOWED her. I made it to two and half minutes!


And when I got off – okay, when I fell off— my heart was taking laps around my ribcage, and I’m pretty sure my lungs were chasing my heart around the chest cavity, because I sure as heck couldn’t find the ability to draw any oxygen into my air-receiving organs. And it had to be because the lungs were missing and not because two and half minutes on an exercising machine had restricted my ability to breathe.

So I sat there, a sweating heap of toast, gasping, on my office floor. And like most of us when we are at rock bottom, our brains start flashing bits and pieces of memories at us. (Sort of like a near death experience.) Anyway, the memory my brain chose to toss at me at this totally inappropriate moment was one that happened the day before. The memory involved me, standing before my enemy (before she was my enemy) wide-eyed with enthusiasm, and my dear-sweet, totally-frugal husband at my side. Then I heard the words he’d spoken to me, “Are you sure you’re going to use this?”

“Of course, I’m going to use this.” I looked at his disbelieving smirk and said, “I promise.” Then I handed over “HIS” credit card to pay for my new worse enemy.

With the memory and my promise floating around my oxygen deprived brain, that’s when it happened. That’s when I found the strength within myself. I would not be outdone. I would, at all cost, prove my husband wrong.

And believe me when I say I fully intend to keep that promise: “Of course, I’m going to use this.”

Which is why I need your help.

You see, I need to come up with a really good use for this piece of crap that I brought home. A use that involves anything other than what it was intended to do.

I’ve considered using it as a book shelf.

I offered my feline the top of the line Fancy Feast
to use it as a cat climber.

I’ve toyed with the idea of making
it a clothes hanger.

However, I’m still not sure if that’s good enough, so until I can find that perfect use, I’m obligated to continue to climb on top of this beast. By the way, I’m up to four minutes.


So please, guys. Help a girl out. What can I use this torture machine for?

Crime Scene Christie


Lucy said...

Target practice.

Conversation topic (oh wait, you did that with your blog, didn't you? :) ).

Tax deduction (when you donate it to a women's shelter).

Hmmm, that's all I have for now. I'll think about it some more and get back with you if anything else comes to mind.

Christie Craig said...


Target practice? Hmmm... Girl, I like how your mind works!

Since my hubby is so "frugile" he might fall for the tex deduction!!

Thanks so much for posting.


Jenyfer Matthews said...

That's one reason that gym memberships are a better bet - you can slip out of the house "to go to the gym" (eg, get a donut, go shopping) and there's no enormous piece of evidence to the contrary sitting there staring at you!!

I like the tax deduction idea myself :)

Christie Craig said...


Shopping and eating donuts. Now that's sinful.

Thanks for posting.


Keri Ford said...

well, since I got a stationary bike about 3 weeks ago that I LOVE, I'm going to say keep using it for what it's meant for (ducking those tomatos).

It looks like you've got a good machine, can you turn down the resistance so it's easier to run? What about starting at a slower pace? Don't forget to stretch before hand!

Jo Anne said...

I'm in deep doo-doo now, Christie - because I've been seriously considering the purchase of one of these 'girls' for myself. Your recommendation is NOT what I was looking for. :-)

I like Lucy's target practice suggestion. You can pose with your foot on her butt and your biceps flexed, or have the hussy stuffed and mounted.

But alas, I know your hubby, he won't let you shoot her. And I know you - you'll use the thing and whip her into shape.

You go, girl!

Terri Osburn said...

I'm afraid I'm with Keri on this one. I say conquer her! You can do it. Look, you've already doubled your time. You're winning!

The fact that my jeans are tight today and I'm considering joining the fitness center in my new apt complex has in no way influenced this comment. Pinky swear.

Christie Craig said...


You sound as if you are in kahoots with my enemy. You'd better duck. :-)

My torture machine does have resistance setting, but even the lowest is a killer. I tried a machine out at a gym and it wasn't near as ugly.

This is an older model. In my defense, my eighteen year old is only up to seven minutes. I'm up to 5:20. And every second is hell.

Thanks for posting.


Christie Craig said...

Jo Anne,

I'm not sure who is gonna whip who into shape.

Steve might resist me shooting the gal, but I think I can pull the trigger faster than he stop me. Hey, I'm even moving faster now that I've been working out. :-)

Thanks for stopping by.


Christie Craig said...


Pinky Swear, huh? :-)

The problem is after five minutes on the torture machine, I can't move my pinky.

But I'm still working on conquering her.


Hellie Sinclair said...

I love elliptical machines! I can't go fast--only about 3 miles an hour, maybe 4, but I can endure for at least 30 minutes on most days. If there's a good movie on (say Pirates of the Caribbean) I can last the full hour.

I'm not sure what to use it for besides as an exercise machine. A child babysitter? As soon as a child says he's bored, have him workout on it for at least an hour before agreeing to take him anywhere else. Maybe he'll be so exhausted, you won't have to bother. In the meantime, he's getting all that great exercise that we as a country are apparently not getting enough of. (I'm so sick of reading those reports...while I'm laying on the couch eating my twinkies...)

Christie Craig said...


Are you sure you don't work at the store where I bought the dang machine?

Seriously, this thing is a killer, but I refuse to be outdone. I will win!!

As a matter of fact, I've got to get on it this morning. I try to beat my time everyday. So far, I've managed to do it.

My goal is to get the twenty minutes. Pray for me. Pray hard.


Gemma Halliday said...

You can do it, girl! GO, go, go!

Yeah, that was my inner cheerleader coming out. What can I say? I'm another elliptical lover. Come join the dark side, Christie...


Christie Craig said...


Hmm? Do elliptical trainers exist on the dark side?

Tell me they don't, and I'm packing and coming over right now. :-)

Seriously, I will master this beast.


Anonymous said...

"What can I use this torture machine for?"

A plot device.

From what you've already written you should be able to figure out a way to kill somebody with that thing.

After you sell the novel snd serial rights to the story you can pay somebody to use it for you. :)

Christie Craig said...


Wow! You got my brain going. I think that might work. Now the only problem is if I can figure out to kill someone with it, before it kills me.



Anonymous said...

Hey, I say you're doing what you said you were going to do. You're using it. As long as you made no promises on how much you were going to use it and you're on it every day, it sounds to me you're okay whether it be 2 minutes or 20 minutes or whatever. To me, it's the every day part that is the most difficult because I am a great procrastinator. Conquer it in baby steps!


Christie Craig said...


You're right. As long as I'm using even a few minutes, I'm keeping my promise. But that means, I have to keep using it. Ugg!!

Okay, I'm breathing hard right now, because I just did six minutes.


Thanks for stopping in, Terry.


Anonymous said...

I say use it as installation art! First, deck it out Halloween style, then autumn/Thanksgiving style, then Christmas style! You can change it up all year long!

Anonymous said...

My treadmill makes a great place to stack laundry baskets. And all I do is look at that machine--not to mention laundry stacked up on it--and I am totally motivated to WRITE a hundred pages RIGHT NOW!!!

BTW, the bar across the front of my treadmill (aka handles?) is super for hang drying clothes--I strategically had the torture machine set up under the airconditioning vent. I'm so smart, eh???

And beware. These contraptions lead to other contraption purchases--like the tall standing, circulating tower fan we bought to send cool across our sweaty legs while we tread...

Enjoyed the blog, Christie! Now use that machine (for what you bought it for, ha ha!!!)


Christie Craig said...


Installation art! I love that idea. I can see buying a set of twinkling black and orange lights to string around it, a few pumpkins dangling from the handles and wow, instand holiday showcase.

Hmmm...I wonder if my hubby will buy it?

Thanks Lisa!


Christie Craig said...


There's not a lot of flat service, so the clothes basket won't work, but now the arms might work to hand clothes to dry.

And you know, this torture machine comes with it's own fan. But what I need when I get off is an oxygen mask.

Seriously, I made six minutes today, and those last 30 seconds were very, very long.

Thanks for posting.


Estella said...

My daughter uses hers as a dust catcher.

Christie Craig said...


LOL! Thanks! I mean, if the dust didn't fall on it, I might have to sweep it up.

Thanks for posting.


Suzan Harden said...

Hmmm...Considering your last attempt at exercise was stair climbing at last year's PASIC conference, you're doing good, girl. I expect you to up to ten minutes next time we have lunch.

Christie Craig said...


Are we meeting for lunch in about . . . two months? LOL!

Thanks for posting girl.

And those stairs were nothing compared to this machine.


Marie-Nicole Ryan said...

I have two similar instruments of torture and hatred. One is a treadmill which I admit about fifteen years ago, we had a real love fest, but no longer. It's now a dust catcher.

The second is a recumbent bike (easy on the butt) and it's used for holding folded fringed throws and the bar hold my purse quite nicely.

Christie Craig said...


A purse holder. Hmmm... I like that idea. I'm always losing my purse in the house.

I was even thinking about using to hold some potted plants. Poison Ivy, perhaps. LOL.

Thanks for posting.



catslady said...

Congrats on your 4 minutes. Mine has held my husband's shirts for years and years and years... Usually once a year he says he'd use it if I didn't have all his shirts on it so I dutifully empty it for months and months and months...it never gets used and it's back to being a shirt holder.

Christie Craig said...


Sounds like a good use to me!

Thanks for stopping in.

Hmm...How can I get my hubby to toss his shirts that way?


Liz Fielding said...

Hanging your clothes on. Try a wii -- it's a lot more fun and it's done wonders for my waist and legs.

Christie Craig said...


My closet is getting full. So maybe that would work. LOL.

Thanks for stopping in.


RM Kahn said...

For the cheap and easy solution. Try hanging a white sheet over it for Halloween. You can even put black spots on it, ala, Charlie Brown's ghost costume in the Great Pumpkin.

Then each season/holiday, just put a different color sheet over it. Green for Christmas with some ornaments pinned on etc.. Easter with some fake bunny ears pinned on?

Christie Craig said...

rm Kahn,

Love it. Maybe I could set it outside to greet all the tricker treaters.

Thanks for posting.