Wednesday, May 28, 2008

IN-Frequently Asked Questions of the Damned

So, this morning, as I'm getting the kids ready, Margaret asks me, "Mom?" (Because that is my actual name anymore) "What state is Washington DC in?" I immediately answer, "DC or District of Columbia, is it's own city-state because the founding fathers didn't want any state government to have jurisdiction over the nation's capital." Yes, I was showing off. Mainly because last week's question, "Mom?" (There's that damn name again) "What's the difference between Cummulonimbus Clouds and Nimbus Clouds?" went rather badly when I replied, "Um, well, Cummulonimbus is a cloud that has accumulated Nimbus..."

It's funny how a fourth-grader can make you feel like an idiot. I would never be stupid enough to go on that "Are You Smarter Than A Fifth-Grader" show. Never. I'd rather have to perform the Chicken Dance (shudder) in my grandmother's underwear on American Idol.

Anyway, the question made me think of AC/DC, which made me wonder if Pepe the Prawn resembles Steve Buscemi, which made me think about Ding Dongs (and I LOVE Ding Dongs) which made me think of my website, which made me think of my upcoming premier of my FAQ page. Don't ask how my mind works. I'm not sure but I believe on some days the hamster inside runs faster on his wheel than other days.

So, I'll give you a few of questions that didn't make the cut;

"I'm actually thinking of becoming a hitman. Are you aware of any training available?"

My response; "Yes. You should definitely contact the FBI. They are looking for people like you."

"Have you ever thought of giving Tanqueray Gin shots away at your booksignings? I think that would be great!"

My response; "Oh sure. There's nothing funnier than watching kids shopping for books totally loaded."

"What's Louis' middle name?"

My response; "Um, that's a good question. I'm sure he has one. It's just that I'm too lazy to give any of my characters middle names."

"Can you really garrote a man with circular knitting needles?"

My response; "Sure. You just have to get your knee in the back of the couch for leverage and make sure you hold on for a while after they pass out." (Note - this is not, I repeat, NOT, from personal experience. It is totally hypothetical.

"I've got a great book on my grandmother's life as a housewife in the 1950's in Bettendorf. I'm sure it's a bestseller. Will you send it to your publisher?"

My response; "Hell no. Unless she was a serial killer or prostitute, no one...even me...cares." And if she was both a serial killer AND a prostitute, I want to read that.

And my favorite:

"How many licks does it take you to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?"

My response; "Thirty-two. And it has to be chocolate." My children have never had a chocolate one because I raid them from their Halloween stash each year and keep them hidden away to work on when I'd rather eat an entire chocolate cake.

Well, there you have it. What about you? What's the weirdest question you've been asked?

The Assassin


LindaC said...

My youngest twin step-son once asked my husband if all birds fly south for the winter. He replied "No some of them stop over at the Holiday Inn in Atlanta". We still tease him about it to this day.


Wendy Roberts said...

I have 4 kids so weird questions come with the territory. Yesterday I was asked why people get lint between their toes on some days and not others LOL. Yes, we're a bunch of deep thinkers.

Kim Castillo said...

Okay, if Grandma was a prostitute AND a serial killer, I'm sooo buying that book ;)

My husband is the king of weird questions. I get "what's for supper?" a lot. My answer; here's a twenty and Pizza Huts phone number.

One time this little old lady asked me what size I wore because she wanted to buy something for her sister's birthday and we looked the same size. Two reasons this was weird; I'm a big gal and you just don't ask fat people what size they wear. Ever. And we were in Goodwill. LOL.

Anonymous said...

I swear I'm not making this up.

Customer: Excuse me are you a K-Mart employee?

Me: (Stunned silence.)

Customer: (Spoken more loudly, and more slowly - I'm obviously mentally impaired,) Are you a K-Mart employee?

Me: (Fingering my work vest and slowly edging away.) Uh, no ma'am, this is Wal-Mart.

Customer: Oh!

Terri Osburn said...

I gave a presentation in one of my college classes and at the end opened it up to questions. At which point one of my classmates asked if he could shower with me. To which I replied "No" and moved on to the next question. And no, I'm not hot enough (or at all) to give anyone a reason to ask that question.

My daughter is really good about asking questions while we're watching something. As if I somehow got there before her and have super secret knowledge of the script. My usual answer is, "How should I know?!" And no, I won't be winning any mom of the year awards anytime soon.

Yasmine Galenorn said...

At a book signing once, I had a reader come up and ask me if my urban fantasy was 'real'...and I don't think she was talking about the physical book, but the story.


Hellie Sinclair said...

Weirdest question:

What's your name?

This was at the end of a date which, up to that point, I thought had been going VERY well. Clearly not.

Runner up:

We've met?

Response I was given when a guy introduced himself and I said we'd already met. He didn't believe and proceeded to grill me about it. (That dating experience didn't end well either.)

Leslie Langtry said...

ROLFL!!! Wow! You guys get some bizarre questions! I love the answers. Terrio - the question isn't whether or not you are hot - it's whether or not the student was! Or am I alone in thinking that?

Terri Osburn said...

Leslie - annoying little dude who had been harrassing me for some time. I'm not sure why. He got kind of stalkerish until I basically unloaded on him one day in the hall. I think that's when he figured out I didn't find him funny anymore.

Yasmine - I hope you didn't make any sudden moves. That reader sounds frightening. LOL!

Keri Ford said...

So I’ve been trying to think of a dumb question I’ve been asked. I know I’ve had them asked before and frequently. And what do you know, phone rings, I answer, and am soon greeted with a stupid question.

I reach for phone. The blasted ring jerked me out of the sex scene I was forehead deep in writing. “Hello?”

“Yeah, is Rebecca there?”

I try not to grumble in the phone. Southern manners and all. “I’m sorry, you have the wrong number.”

“Huh. Well, do you know how I can get a hold of Rebecca?”