The Cake That Ate My Youth, Part Deaux

So, because I know how absolutely desperate you are to know, here’s how the week really turned out.

Tuesday – We decided elementary school talent show will last approximately seven hours. Still haven’t killed creepy showbiz moms – which shows tremendous, nobel-peace-prize-potential self-control on my part. Managed to make cake only changing my shirt four times (and that was with an apron). THE cake (see photo) turned out great - I even had enough batter for an additional little cake. Had a little problem trying to figure out how to transport a rolling ball – wished I’d paid more attention in physics class in junior high (there really was a Mr. Skeevy). Glared at the mom who kept upping my bid and ended up bidding on daughter’s boyfriend’s cake once I saw how happy he was when she bid. Paid $75 for two cakes. Michelle joined me later for “liquid refreshment” not involving cake.

Wednesday – Girl Scout meeting went pretty well. The girls created their own planets and chose their number one export. Ellie’s planet made designer clothes and weapons. Kaitlyn’s planet manufactured heart-shaped beds (and I don’t think she’s ever been to the Poconos) and Margaret’s (my kid’s) planet had a population of mermaids and “everyone poops butterflies.” I’m not making this up. Actually, I don’t think I could.

Thursday – After dropping off three dozen neon frosted (with Super Staining Power!!!) cupcakes for Margaret’s birthday at school, I proceeded to clean the house. Tom wanted me to be sure to clean it to the standard by which his parents (who owned it last year) were accustomed. I asked him if they knew we had children. Spent whole day scouring house from top to bottom while my husband called every hour from the airport with “I’m bored. What are you doing?” After a second shower and the strategic locking of two doors (if you can’t see ‘em, they’re clean!) I hosted our families. Michelle made Margaret a skull cake which totally rocked! Not sure family was as amused. Didn’t really care. By the way, for those of you counting at home, we now had a total of FOUR cakes.


Friday – House slips into complete disarray while we sleep, which was interesting. By early evening we were an hour and a half away at the Amana colonies for Margaret & Hannah’s party, watching the kids play while our eyes bled from the overly chlorinated air. Bedtime took forever because the girls were keyed up on sugar. At about midnight I went into their room AGAIN to tell them to go to sleep and found two of them showing the others how to practice kissing using their pillows. I thought about adopting an indignant, moral stance but remembered that I, too, had done the same thing. Therefore I used my sage, un-hypocritical wisdom to say, “Well…just stop and go to bed!” I fell asleep listening to them mocking me.

Saturday – The Wince thing was fun, even in spite of the fact they put me on the fourth floor and the elevator was out due to the flooding of the Mississippi. Well, and the bar was on the first floor (again, not making this up). Reading stuff from other people’s diaries was hilarious. There was the entry that started with, “Thank God! It’s not mono!” to “I like Wesley but then there’s Brandon so I don’t know what to do…” to “I can’t believe we didn’t get caught tp-ing them! They live right next door!” And I not only was the first to write on the naked woman, I struck up a friendship and bought her beer. And I was right. She was young, thin and had porcelain skin. I wrote the word “beautiful” on her shoulder. Then I went home and ate a f@#!kload of cake.

Now I just have to get my cake-fed ass back to the Y and go on sugar detox and I’ll be just fine.

The (cake) Assassin