Tuesday, October 16, 2007

My Face Was Red




Okay…I promised you guys another embarrassing story. This one, mind you, was actually published by Redbook Magazine. Yeah, I’m so good at putting my foot in my mouth and finding myself in those awkward situations that the big magazines help humiliate me.

Anyway . . . on to the story—after the birth of my son, and especially after the embarrassing pop-my-water in the drive-thru while Burger King employees watched, I had decided my birthing days were way past over. Now, unlike some people, I really did know what caused the birthing condition.

Don’t get me wrong, I still wanted to practice making babies, but it was the pills and gadgets where gadgets didn’t belong that I minded. So, I sat my husband down for what I had expected to be a very long talk. But nope, when I casually slipped in the word vasectomy, he casually remembered that the oil in my car needed changing. Changed, right then, like it might blow up if the dirty oil stayed in that engine one more minute.

When I approached him after the oil job was done, he suddenly remembered the backyard fence needed painting. And God forbid someone see it was peeling. The next couple of days, he retouched up all the in trim in the living room, stopped a toilet from needing a constant jiggle, and re-bleached the grout in my kitchen. That’s when; I pretty much realized he was doing chores just to get out of our discussion. So, I did what most women would do in that kind of situation.

I took full advantage of it until I had every household chore I needed completed.

However, when he had started working on getting better television reception, which I knew had nothing to do with our wiring, and everything to do with our neighbor’s interest in CB radioing and his sky-high antenna, I put an end to my husband’s charade.

I cornered the man. Fully armed with ammunition, I let him have it. I gave him all the info about how it was just a tiny little snip for men, and I would have to have a major surgery. Hey, I could die. I threw in about how I’d already suffered through the pain and agony of giving him a son to carry on the Craig legacy. When reason, guilt, and family legacy didn’t flip him, I pulled out my big guns, sent him my sexy smile, and tossed in the fact that we could have much more spontaneous sex. Face it, we all know how men love spontaneous sex. (Basically, they think it means they get out of foreplay.)

I tell you, I never dreamed that spontaneous sex would lose out to a little snip-snip. Even if it did involve what he referred to as, “The Boys.”
But not to be deterred, I did what I had to do. I attacked his male ego. Did he know that our neighbor, the CB loving guy, who messed up all our phones, all our electronic equipment, including our television, was man enough and loved his wife enough to sign up for a vasectomy?

After my hubby spoke to my neighbor, he came back in, ego hanging around his knees, and relented. So, the next day, I signed him and his Boys up for a snip-snip appointment for the following month.

A couple weeks later, we were grilling burgers. As I cut the corner in our backyard, I hear my husband and the neighbor talking. I spot the neighbor, 50 feet in the air, putting up a new, larger antenna, sure to destroy reception for any electrical equipment I have in my house, especially in my bedroom because it backed up to the giant antenna.

“It works,” my neighbor called down to my husband.

Never one to keep my two cents to myself, I added, “For goodness sakes, it should work, it’s big enough. If it gets any bigger, I’m afraid it’s going to end up in my bedroom.”

The neighbor nearly fell off his pole. My husband burst out laughing.

When my husband finished his laughing jag, he explained, “We weren’t talking about his antenna, Christie. We were discussing his recovery from his . . . vasectomy.”

I promptly took myself and my two cents back inside.

So there you have it. My foot in my mouth vasectomy story. Now it’s your turn. And don’t you guys be shy. We've told you guys our dirty little secrets. And come November 1st, we’ll be picking another lucky person who posts on our site. So come on … let us hear from you.

Crime Scene Christie

30 comments:

Jana DeLeon said...

LOL Christie! A good example of why we should always keep out .02 to ourselves unless we were in on the converstion from the beginning. Guess your neighbor won't be landing anything in your bedroom, huh? :)

Christie Craig said...

Jana,

You know, I'm always slow at learning lessons and fast at inserting foot in mouth.

And the neighbor appearing in my bedroom just ain't gonna happen.

Thanks for posting!!

Crime Scene Christie

Jenyfer Matthews said...

That was too funny! I'm pretty good at putting my foot in my mouth as well, but nothing to compare to that story.

Strangely though, nothing comes to mind. I think that I've done it so many times that I've just blocked them all out...

Christie Craig said...

Jenyfer,

You know the thing about mental blocks, they work fine and then one day your brain get this great idea that you can handle it now and bam you are suddenly ownership of memories that your really didn't care to have.

Personally, I think my brain could keep a little more items hidden in the trunk.

Thanks for posting girl!

Crime Scene Christie

Jenyfer Matthews said...

Actually, some of those memories have resurfaced as a result of reading this blog, but nothing that's particularly relevant to today's post!

Yet...

Faye Hughes said...

Okay, so is it just me, or am I the only one imagining the neighbor explaining that to his wife?

Too funny.

Faye

Lucy said...

One of my old bosses was having a problem with his laptop. I'd asked a co-worker to come help us figure out how to make it work. Then later my boss asked me something and I responded giving him the play by play and said something like "And that's when *insert co-worker's name* was in your office playing with your thing."

He teased me about that (did I mention we were good friends as well as being boss and secretary?) and told anyone who would listen. Kind of embarrassing. LOL

Christie Craig said...

Faye,

I've spent the last ten years praying that he didn't tell her!

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...

Lucy...

LOL. Love it. Thanks for the laugh girl.

Who would have guessed that a little word like "thing" could get you in trouble.

Too funny.

Crime Scene Christie

Tori Lennox said...

ROFL!!! I can see myself doing that, too. *giggle*

catslady said...

Isn't selective memory great. I'm sure I've put my foot in my mouth hundreds of times but for the life of me, I can't think of any right now.

Christie Craig said...

Tori,

My motto seems to be...Speak first and think later. I think I really need to work on a new motto.

Thanks for posting!

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...

Catslady,

Thanks for posting. My size 5 1/2s have passed these lips so many times that I have foot prints on the roof of my mouth.

It's not easy being me.

Crime Scene Christie

Estella said...

I'm really fast at putting my foot in my mouth, but really slow at learning not to.

Christie Craig said...

Estella,

LOL! I love that saying. Can I borrow it?

Sometimes I find when the foot goes it, I get in more trouble trying to get out than if I'd just shut up. My husband sometimes tells me..."Hon' your foot is so far down your throat, don't try to spit it out. Just swallow it."

Leslie Langtry said...

That's a great story! I was lucky, my husband was so eager to get a vasectomy after our second, he would've done it himself if I'd let him. Of course, he thought we were even - his little snip-snip in comparison to my giving birth twice. Silly, silly man.

Christie Craig said...

Leslie,

Funny stuff.

So you didn't hand him a pair of clippers and say go for it?

Crime Scene Christie

Gemma Halliday said...

Please tell me this is going in a book sometime! Too funny!

~Gemma

Christie Craig said...

Well, I haven't put this in book yet, Gemma, but my whole foot in mouth problem is inherited by all characters.

Thanks for posting.

Crime Scene Christie

ms terry in gadsden said...

this is even funnier when you know the real characters.

Christie Craig said...

Terry,

You know how red my face can really get!!!

Thanks for stopping in.

Crime Scene Christie

Jenyfer Matthews said...

Oh! I thought of one :)

Way back when I was working as a librarian at a law firm, the library started putting out a monthly newsletter. Different members of the library staff contributed different parts of it, but one person in particular was a very poor writer. I felt like that reflected badly on the newsletter (and the library) so I went to my boss to talk to her about it.

I told her what I thought and suggested that if she liked, I could edit the articles from that person. I thought she would be pleased by my offer and initiative. Instead she looked at me and said, "I edited the articles myself."

OMG - I practically choked on my foot as I backed out of her office...

(you know, I could have lived without recalling that particular moment!! LOL)

Christie Craig said...

Jenyfer,

Hmm...So you too know the taste of your foot occasionally.

Crime Scene Christie

Jenyfer Matthews said...

Oh yes - and it isn't a flavor I relish!

BTW, I have added a link to your blog from my blog if that counts for anything :)

Christie Craig said...

Jenyfer,

Flavor? Hmm...good expensive leather, at least a two inch heel, always tastes a bit better.

And as for linking us? Yeah! Thank you, thank you, Jenyfer!!!

Crime Scene Christie

JOYE said...

I enjoyed the story. I am always doing things like that-I recently saw a schoolmate of mine that I hadn't seen in about 20 years. I said Hi, and the usual stuff and then said, "How are you Carolyn?" (which was his wife's name) but this was not the original wife. Boy was I embarrased. But hey, they really looked alike.

Christie Craig said...

Joye,

Oh my God. I hate it when that happens.

I once had one of my husbands old buddies call and talk to me on the phone for a long time before he realized I wasn't the wife that he'd actually been the best man at the wedding.

Boy did I have a good laugh.

Crime Scene Christie

Nathalie said...

Very funny... but I don't remember an embarassing story (or maybe I don't want it)

Christie Craig said...

Nathalie,

It all goes back to selective memory. Thanks for posting.

Crime Scene Christie

Kathy Bacus said...

I really needed a good laugh this morning, Christie, and you gave it to me! This is so funny!!!

~Bullet Hole~