Furnace of the Damned

My furnace is out. Of course, this never happens except when my husband is out of town. I knew enough to tell that the pilot light wasn't lit. So, I did what any woman would do - I called the professionals.

Basically, the conversations I had with about 5 or 6 companies can be blended into this sample conversation:

Me: My pilot light is out. When can you come over and light it?

Him(it's always a him): Oh, honey, I'll bet it's more than that. Probably something's wrong with your thermocoupler or igniter. (Imagine him patting me on the head through the phone line)

Me: Maybe, but I need my pilot light lit.

Him: Well, we can take a look at it, then tell you what your problem is. But my guess is it's more than just the pilot being out.

Me: Okay, but I still need my pilot light lit. It's cold. I'm wearing a parka.

Him: I'd guess it's your thermocoupler. Or maybe your igniter. (apparently, he's convinced that throwing such big words around will impress me to do...what, exactly? Pay him now for a phone diagnosis?)

Me: When can you come out? That's what I need. Someone to come out. When? (hoping this will break his damned obsession with deducing the problem over the phone)

Him: Oh, it'll be a week or two. We're booked up.

Me: What? Your ad says 24-7, and full emergency services anytime!

Him: Yup. That's right. And it'll be a week or two until we can send someone out.

At this point I called my husband for other suggestions. Here's what he said - I kid you not:

Husband: Why don't I just talk you through it over the phone?

Me: You're joking. I've never done that before. The only thing I know about lighting a furnace's pilot light is that it is very dangerous and the house can blow up.

Husband: Only if the gas is on. Just shut off the gas and I'll talk you through it.

Me: I don't know how to shut off the gas.

Husband: We can figure that out.

Me: I don't want to "figure it out." It's dangerous and I'm not doing it.

Husband: Just put the kids outside if you're worried.

Me: And leave them motherless when I blow myself up? I don't think so.

Husband: I can talk you through it. Trust me.

Me: Have you ever lit the pilot on this particular furnace?

Husband: No.

Me: Do you know where I'm supposed to light it?

Husband: Not really - but they're all the same.

Me: So let me get this straight - you want to "talk" me through doing something you've never done before - and you don't know anything about this furnace. Is that right?

Husband: Sure.

My husband has now been home for three days and the pilot light is still out. He leaves tomorrow. So tonight I will hand him a box of matches and take the kids out for dinner. We'll see if the house is still standing when we get back.

The Assassin