I Can Do Anything You Can Do Better...

It figures. The week I’ve been under the gun with family commitments, college crap, work issues, as well as playing hide and seek with a stubborn muse would be the week everyone on the Killer Fiction Writers Blog is so freaking entertaining and clever I feel an inordinate amount of pressure to perform. Now I know how guys with performance anxiety feel.

Normally I thrive on competition. My family will tell you that I give a whole new meaning to the word ‘sore’ loser. I’m told I’m even worse when I win--which, of course, isn’t often enough for me. I have this competitive streak that borders on OCD sometimes.

For example, last week my daughter bought a 500 piece puzzle and we began to put it together on the cocktail table in the living room. When she left for work at five, I laughingly told her I’d have the puzzle together by the time she got back home. When she responded, “No way!” I took that as a personal challenge--and remained glued to the damn thing for hours until I had it completed. My victory was short-lived. Katie wasn’t a happy camper when she discovered the puzzle all finished when she returned home and I was crabby I’d frittered away my writing time. My daughter, being a chip off the ol’ ‘game on’ block, responded by informing me it wasn't a big deal, that the puzzle had been an easy one anyway. So, what did the victor do? I went out and bought a 1,000 piece puzzle (this one of a seaside terrace over-looking a white sand beach) and now I find myself poring over it when I should be writing. Do you know how hard it is to connect puzzle pieces consisting of sand???

My, uh, spirited compulsion has its roots--as most things do--in childhood. It didn’t matter what the game: Heigh Ho Cherry O, Chutes and Ladders, Old Maid (hey, be nice!), chess--I hated to lose. The trend continued into adolescence. My older sister was a star athlete and I always wanted to be, if not better than her, then just as good. I failed big-time. She’ll say that’s because I was a skinny, bony weakling. I say it’s because she was built like a brick @#!*house. If I was really catty--and had a serious death wish (my big sister is a captain in the State Patrol--with all those lovely accoutrements like the 44 Auto, chemical spray, handcuffs, etc. that come with said occupation) I’d say she’s still built that way. Ah, sisterhood.

That same urge to out-last and out-do (I sound like Survivor here) reared its Rambo head off and on throughout my life. During the Public Safety Academy where I suspected a number of the male recruits were secretly hoping their female counterparts would wash out, I kept on pluggin’ during those long runs, puking my guts out, yet somehow managing to remain in formation. (What’s a few soiled Nikes between fellow recruits?) While other women were content to marry and have one child at a time, I had three.

Even in writing I fight this passive-aggressive impulse. When someone kicks my butt in a page count competition, I experience this desperate drive to crush them to a fine powder the next time out.

This week my fifth book, Calamity Jayne Heads West, hit bookstores and I find myself fighting the urge to constantly check on-line sales rankings. I’ve done my job, I tell myself. I’ve written a solid addition to the series. I’ve promoted it to the best of my ability. Now it’s up to the booksellers--and, most importantly, to the readers. So, I promised myself this time I would try to avoid obsessing over numbers or rankings. It’s all speculative data anyway. My only job now is to write the next book.

It’s liberating--letting go of that craving for a contest--foregoing the competitive fix that has been my companion all these long years. (Uh, did you really think I was going to tell you just how many years? Get real.)

What? My book was ranked 511 on Barnes and Noble.com yesterday? No! What? It went up to 1,424 today? Oh, crap. Where’s it at now?

Now, remember I said I was fighting the urge, folks. I never claimed I was cured. Besides, I’m blaming it all on my maniacal muse. :) Are there things you are over-the-top competitive over? How do you handle losing? Or winning? Has an out-of-control competitive spirit gotten you into trouble? Do tell.

That’s it for this week. I’m off to RWA’s Kiss of Death Mystery Suspense Chapter Writers’ Retreat in Omaha this weekend. Next week I’ll try to include photos and a wrap up of the retreat! For now it's back to those white, sand beaches. And I've got the feeling by the time I get home, that puzzle will be all put together. Oh, well, here's to keeping that competitive edge!

Oh, and don't forget every time you post a comment on our Killer Fiction Writers Blog at http://www.killerfictionwriters.blogspot.com you're automatically entered in the contest that is currently running. If you send someone over to the blog and they post a comment and mention you sent them, your name is entered in the drawing ten times! I'll be giving away the first prize package of signed books and other goodies.

~Bullet Hole Bacus~