Platitudes...Misty, Watercolor Platitudes...

The Assassin actually ate the chocolate that used to live inside these wrappers.

This was a tough decision guys. You really stepped up last week with the whole, "What If..." thingy. But I had a whole week to think about it so there's no more beating around the bush.

The winner is Refhater with "What if I really wasn't switched at birth and this really is my family?"

The whole thing smacks of the Bombay clan, doesn't it? So Refhater, e-mail me at leslie@leslielangtry.com and we'll talk about your future writing for the greeting card company we should be starting with the rest of you. Oh, and one rule with the galley, no photocopying...no matter how much Hellion threatens.

And now, for something completely different...

If you are like me, (and if you are, we should talk) you have an addiction to Dove dark chocolates. I've tried everything to cut back - cold turkey (unfortunately there's a Walgreens one block away), promises (how many iPods does one person need for christsake?) and threats (but for some reason, I don't scare me).

Reality is, a dish full of the candy sits on my desk in a place of honor most people would reserve only for the Queen of England. Although, why anyone would want the Queen of England sitting on their desk is beyond me - but hey, to each her own.

I have convinced myself that the dark chocolate is medicinal and should be taken every five minutes. And it works. I do feel better. That is, until I read the little sayings they put inside on the wrapper. The folks at Dove don't have the talent YOU GUYS have when it comes to writing this crap.

Here are a few examples:

• "For once, just let your heart rule your head." Oh yeah. Cuz that always turns out good in real life.


• "Put up your feet and unwind" I tried this. And then my boss walked in and gave me one of those looks that says, "What the hell are we paying you to do?" It wasn't a good look. I don't recommend it.


• "Live life large." Um, due to the consumption of chocolate, I really am. If I live it any larger, I'm gonna need new pants.


• "Dance to the beat of life." Unfortunately, due to my enlarged state (see above) dancing could cause a heart attack at the worst and shortness of breath at best.


• "Strength comes from within." Well it better. Because I don't excercise anymore and just sit around on my ass eating bon bons, my arms have the strength of a T-Rex's.


• "Remind yourself that it's okay not to be perfect." Actually, I do this a lot. And it would be great advice if my boss/husband/children/publisher and ME weren't expecting perfect.

With our new Greeting Card company (if you don't know what I'm talking about you haven't been reading my blog dammit) I think we should also score the Dove chocolate contract. I think we would do a lot better writing these things.

• "Letting your heart rule your head only works in romance novels. Think before leaving your husband for that so-called 'hunk/millionaire' you met on Facebook. Trust me on this one."
• "Skinny is an optical illusion created by a fascist, supermodel conspiracy. Eat another one."
• "You work too hard. This wrapper entitles the bearer to enslave her spouse/significant other/children to get things done around the house for a week. If they refuse, we will send VITO."

What would your wrapper say?

The Assassin