Wednesday, April 08, 2009

Platitudes...Misty, Watercolor Platitudes...

The Assassin actually ate the chocolate that used to live inside these wrappers.



This was a tough decision guys. You really stepped up last week with the whole, "What If..." thingy. But I had a whole week to think about it so there's no more beating around the bush.


The winner is Refhater with "What if I really wasn't switched at birth and this really is my family?"


The whole thing smacks of the Bombay clan, doesn't it? So Refhater, e-mail me at leslie@leslielangtry.com and we'll talk about your future writing for the greeting card company we should be starting with the rest of you. Oh, and one rule with the galley, no photocopying...no matter how much Hellion threatens.


And now, for something completely different...


If you are like me, (and if you are, we should talk) you have an addiction to Dove dark chocolates. I've tried everything to cut back - cold turkey (unfortunately there's a Walgreens one block away), promises (how many iPods does one person need for christsake?) and threats (but for some reason, I don't scare me).


Reality is, a dish full of the candy sits on my desk in a place of honor most people would reserve only for the Queen of England. Although, why anyone would want the Queen of England sitting on their desk is beyond me - but hey, to each her own.


I have convinced myself that the dark chocolate is medicinal and should be taken every five minutes. And it works. I do feel better. That is, until I read the little sayings they put inside on the wrapper. The folks at Dove don't have the talent YOU GUYS have when it comes to writing this crap.


Here are a few examples:



  • "For once, just let your heart rule your head." Oh yeah. Cuz that always turns out good in real life.

  • "Put up your feet and unwind" I tried this. And then my boss walked in and gave me one of those looks that says, "What the hell are we paying you to do?" It wasn't a good look. I don't recommend it.

  • "Live life large." Um, due to the consumption of chocolate, I really am. If I live it any larger, I'm gonna need new pants.

  • "Dance to the beat of life." Unfortunately, due to my enlarged state (see above) dancing could cause a heart attack at the worst and shortness of breath at best.

  • "Strength comes from within." Well it better. Because I don't excercise anymore and just sit around on my ass eating bon bons, my arms have the strength of a T-Rex's.

  • "Remind yourself that it's okay not to be perfect." Actually, I do this a lot. And it would be great advice if my boss/husband/children/publisher and ME weren't expecting perfect.
With our new Greeting Card company (if you don't know what I'm talking about you haven't been reading my blog dammit) I think we should also score the Dove chocolate contract. I think we would do a lot better writing these things.

  • "Letting your heart rule your head only works in romance novels. Think before leaving your husband for that so-called 'hunk/millionaire' you met on Facebook. Trust me on this one."
  • "Skinny is an optical illusion created by a fascist, supermodel conspiracy. Eat another one."
  • "You work too hard. This wrapper entitles the bearer to enslave her spouse/significant other/children to get things done around the house for a week. If they refuse, we will send VITO."

What would your wrapper say?

The Assassin

24 comments:

Bookmobiler said...

"What would your wrapper say?"

This coupon is good for one free case of Dove Dark Chocolates.
No expiration date. Photocopies allowed.

LuAnn said...

The perfect food!

Leslie Langtry said...

You guys are good at this!

Tori Lennox said...

Life isn't like a box of chocolates. Life IS a box of chocolates. Enjoy life, eat another!

Dawn said...

Did you think that was merely chocolate. Oh, no. Those secret additives will keep you addicted, for life. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha.

Leslie Langtry said...

Dawn, love the maniacal laughter!

Terry S said...

I am so not good at the platitude thing, but I did read the other day that chocolate can replace an aspirin a day. And the good thing about that? A effects of a piece of chocolate doesn't last all day like the aspirin so you have to eat a piece periodically throughout the day. I take that as permission!

Leslie Langtry said...

If anything warrants a Nobel Peace Prize, Terry, that is it!

Dawn said...

Well, you know, the dove wrappers, the fortune cookie sayings, the Snapple covers, those were all written by some crazy guy who lives in my basement. That's the way he laughs. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. Ha ha ha ha. All day long. It's kind of hard to write sometimes. :)

Christie Craig said...

My wrapper would say, "The next one will taste twice as good as this one." Then I'd have to eat it to find out.

Funny blog!

CC

MsHellion said...

Eating chocolate helps you lose weight. Eat another...dozen.


And what's this crack to Refhater (whose question was kick ass and she totally deserved that galley) that I'd beg her for a photocopy? It's like you don't know me.

Naturally I'd just break into her house when she wasn't there and steal it. Duh. (That's something to put on the book, right? "This book is so awesome, it's worth the jailtime for when you're caught stealing it...though I recommend reading it before you're caught because they won't let you take stolen stuff with you to jail." Okay, that's a little long. Maybe that can be the back cover blurb thingie.)

Leslie Langtry said...

Dawn, How did you get a guy in the basement? Does he at least do the laundry?

Christie - nice way to add intrigue!

Hellion - I'll talk to Leah about that!

Refhater said...

My wrapper would say:

"Chocolate comes from a bean, so therefore it must be a vegetable!"

I can't wait to read the galley!

Refhater said...

You really can make your own Dove Chocolate wrapper!

http://www.dovechocolate.com/promises.html

Dawn said...

LOL! You CAN make your own wrapper. I guess crazy guy will write anything you tell him to.

I let him live in my basement because he pays the rent with Diet Iced Tea Snapple and chocolate. :)

Leslie Langtry said...

Refhater, you have earned your galley even more!

Dawn, what's the deal with diet iced tea? Are there really any calories in iced tea?

Dawn said...

100 calories for regular, O for diet. Anyone know the calories for a piece of Dove chocolate? :)

Leslie Langtry said...

THERE ARE CALORIES IN A PIECE OF DOVE CHOCOLATE???

Gemma Halliday said...

OMG, these are so funny!!

Jo said...

I don't have any great sayings myself, but couldn't resist sharing...

This is an actual line I came across in a Dove chocolate. "Forget the potholes in the road and celebrate the journey instead!"

My response, in turn, was something like, "Uh, yeah. And then I won't have a working car. Then what will I be celebrating? The bill to have it fixed?"

Refhater said...

Anyone else see a sponsorship oppertunity here? Free chocolates at least... Death by Chocolate!

Dove Chocolate's and Leslie Langtry combine for a "Killer" recipe for a good time.

Anonymous said...

台北搬家公司請找e時代,讓你搬家好輕鬆。

Leslie Langtry said...

Jo - you totally get how this works!

Refhater - hmmmmmm...sponsorship...

terrio said...

I missed all the fun yesterday, dang it. These are great!

There is something an author I've read puts at the back of her books and I can't remember who it is, but maybe someone here will know. It says something like, "There are no calories in anything eaten while standing up."

Seems like that could go in one of these wrappers. And I'm sure if we stood up everytime we swiped some chocolate from the bowl on our desks (yes, I have one too!) then we'd not only eliminate the calories, we'd be getting exercise.