Friday, January 23, 2009

Resolution Check In

So, it’s almost the end of January… how are those New Year’s resolutions coming along? (Come on, fess up.) For my part, I think I’ve done the opposite of everything I resolved to do so far this year. Yikes! In my defense, I’ve been in the middle of both book-release-chaos-ness and deadline-ville, so chocolate has been a necessity. Hopefully things will die down soon and I can get serious about my resolutions. Maybe February will be the new January for me.

Though, I am pretty darned happy with how my resolution from last year turned out. Anyone remember what it was? I had resolved to find Mr. Right. In hindsight, my mistake was in wording it “I will find Mr. Right even if I have to date every man on the west coast to do it.” I counted the other day. Last year I met 43 different men. :O Yeah, and that doesn’t even count the ones I blew off after talking on the phone to them. No wonder I didn’t get much writing done! Granted many of those were quick coffee dates to nowhere, but I had a few repeat daters as well. And, one winner. :) Okay, so I’m not picking out china patterns yet, but… I’m pretty smitten with Mr. Big. So, I call that mission accomplished.

And, after watching my year of dating ups and downs, guess who made a resolution of her own this year to find a new man? Mom! Yep, my lovely mother has re-entered the dating scene, and has agreed to let me blog about her adventures in the land of baby boomer dating. She’s already been on a couple so far, but the one she went on last week is by far my favorite.

Mom had been corresponding with this guy that she found on an online dating site for a couple weeks. He seemed nice, decent enough job, kids grown, looking for someone to spend his retirement with. Finally, they decided to meet for a glass of wine. Mom wears a miniskirt, tights, high heeled books, and a black leather jacket. She looks hot. The guy shows up in jeans and a goofy windbreaker. He does not. But, she sits down and starts talking to him anyway. He begins right away by telling her how his wife left him recently because she said “something was missing” with him. Not the best first date form to mention the ex, but Mom lets it slide.

Now, Mom’s an avid tennis player. The perfect guy would be someone who could play doubles with her. So, she asks Mr. Something’s Missing if he plays. He says he used to, but can’t anymore. “Oh, because of your arthritis?” she asks.

“No. I have no depth perception, because I only have one eye.”

Mom pauses. Blinks. Tries to look at ANYTHING else in the restaurant other than the guy’s eye. Which, she realizes now is glass. Or plastic. Or something other than human because it doesn’t really move. Not that she’s looking at it. Nope.

Even though at this point it’s pretty clear she’s not interested (windbreaker, ex-talk, fake body parts – three strikes, pal.), Mom politely finishes her glass of wine anyway and thanks him for a lovely evening.

The next morning, Mom gets an email from One Eyed Jack. He tells her it’s not going to work out between them. He feels that there’s just no connection. Yep, rejected by a one eyed man. (I told her not to take it too personally – he probably just couldn't see how hot she was!)

In response, Mom wrote this little poem:

Ode To Guy With One Eye

I met a guy,
He had one eye,
I said, “Oh my!”

“I didn’t even notice.”

He said you’ll see
If you get close enough.
But he’ll never get that close to me.

He said his depth perception was poor.
I turned him toward the door.
He wasn’t sure how far to go,
So I said, “Just keep walking.” So.

The next day he writes,
Says we had “no connection.”
I said, “Well that bites,
Dumped by the guy with no direction.”

“Yes, I reply, there’ll be no kissing,
Because there’s something missing.”

Your eyeball.

All I can say is boomer men everywhere better look out this year. ;)

~Trigger Happy Halliday

P.S. Don't forget to check out the charity auction to benefit a homeless teen. It's going on now through the 26th!


Keri Ford said...

Yeah for your mom! Well, not yeah for the date, but yeah for getting out there. and she 'ought to write her own fiction books! You've got yourself one funny mommma.

Terri Osburn said...

Is it bad that I'm excited we'll still get bad/awkward/funny date stories? LOL!

Yay for your mom! Here's hoping by this time next year she's as happy with her own Mr. Big as you are with yours. :)

Gemma Halliday said...

OMG, she is a crack up! Sadly, there are no shortage of bad/awkward/funny guys out there. What's scarier - they seem even worse after 50! What was that great line Candance Bergan had on Sex & the City... "my dating pool is very small. It's a wading pool."


Anonymous said...

Your mom sounds so cute and funny. I feel for her though. It was hard enough finding someone at 36, I don't think I'd want to do it again.

Terri Osburn said...

I forgot to say kudos to your mom for rocking that outfit. I couldn't pull off a mini-skirt in a million years. LOL! Well, I could pull it off, pulling it on would be the problem...

Anonymous said...

I love your mom!!! She is so cool!!!

Estella said...

Your mom sounds like a very interesting lady!

Anonymous said...

You said "windbreaker" and I totally thought of something else...

Jenyfer Matthews said...

Love the poem - and obviously the ability to find humor in bad dates is a family trait :)

Anonymous said...

LOL, after all that, I can't believe he sent the email. Like he had to let her know because she surely went home and started scribbling his last name in her diary. At least in his mind. Your Mom sounds fantastic and I think that even if the pool seems shallow at times, she can find her own Mr. Big.

Mary M

Gemma Halliday said...

Berh - OMG - that would have just been the icing on the cake!