Friday, April 11, 2008

Gemma's Mom seeks Mr. Right

My mom and I are super close. Not only do we look like sisters (Yep, that's her. Seriously, do we look alike or what?), but we share everything. Every date I go on, bad or good, I promptly tell her all about it, every gory detail. Which is why I was shocked when my sometimes… ahem, interesting… dating experiences prompted my mom to start dating again. (Did she not hear me say “Pirate”?!) But, I was actually a little bit proud of her. A few years ago she decided the world was populated with beautiful women and troll men and gave up on the whole dating scene. She’s been happily single ever since. But, recently she saw how much fun I was having and decided she was going to give it one more go at finding Mr. Right. (Or, at least as she put it, Mr. Has a Large Inheritance to Give Away and a Heart Condition. Mom is ever the practical one.) Only, this time around, Mom decided she was going to date on her terms. One reason I love her. She refuses to take any poo-poo from anyone. So, here is a coy of the profile Mom posted on one online dating site:

***

Hi! I'd like to meet someone strong and intelligent. It would be really nice if he's not in therapy, not a graduate of any twelve-step program or rehab facility, and lives in a dwelling attached to a foundation. We should start as friends first, and we shouldn't even meet if we have no intention of being friends. I don't kiss at a first meeting and won't be having sex on the second date. If that's what you're looking for, well now you know.

I'd like to meet someone who actually saw the Beatles live on Ed Sullivan, someone who remembers where he was when he first heard the news that Kennedy was shot. (Youngin's, I'm flattered, but it won't work!) Please don't be a member of an angry political group, or any other angry group, for that matter. Please be someone who thinks for himself and lives by no dogma.

Most of the older men expect to find a woman with no life who will just slip into their lives unnoticed. Is that possible? I don’t know. I probably won’t move to a cattle ranch and take up horseback riding. Also probably won’t move to someone’s wine vineyard, no matter how tempting. Nor will I be likely to leave home to roam the oceans in search of the Almighty “Adventure.” I have a life! I like my life. I don’t want to give it up. How about you give up yours and move into mine?

I don't camp, fish, hunt, ski, sail, scuba, watch football, ride on motorcycles, travel to “exotic places,” go on cruise ships, hang out in casinos, listen to jazz, or ever, ever sit through an opera. You are certainly free to do so, while I pursue my own interests. Or, you can join me! I'll be growing flowers and herbs, painting, shopping for bargains, cooking, reading, going to lectures or museums, playing tennis, working out, or out for a walk in the sun. I don't wear sunscreen. Or hats. An occasional light rock concert, movie or show can be fun.

My diet is primarily organic. It's colorful, full of veggies and truly whole foods, low on dairy, no sugar. Jack LaLanne is my hero. I shop at Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, the Farmers' Market. I'd rather eat in than out. I drink wine daily because I love it. I have a girlish figure, with a waistline, probably from a fair dedication to life-long exercise.

I like being outdoors when it involves getting a tan. Did I mention, I don't wear sunscreen? I also don't take medications or line up for my yearly battery of invasive and risky medical tests. I think it's better to focus on building health and happiness.

I have my own business, own a nice home, drive a luxury car, and have a wonderful, expanding family. My children are mostly grown, the youngest graduating Stanford in June. My kids are great, and I'm sure yours are, too, but let's not talk each other's heads off about them.

Did I mention I drive a 2006 luxury car? I don't do "vintage." If I'm not wearing my Asics, I'm in heels and designer jeans. I style my own hair, do my own nails, shop with coupons. My home mortgage is my only debt, credit rating is excellent, and I have money in several banks as well as in stocks. (I don't need yours, but you should have some of your own.)

All that said, what’s really important is chemistry and character. Everything here is truthful, because if we’re hoping for an intimate relationship, full honesty is a must. My photos are recent. I think I look and feel hot for almost 59, and I want to stay active forever.

I'm looking for one special guy who's willing to take the time to make it real. I probably sound a little fed up. But, really, I’m almost always in a really good mood.

**

Can anyone guess where Gemma gets her snarky sense of humor? ;) I laughed so hard when she showed this to me. But – the best part! – she has gotten tons of responses from this profile! Who knew men loved sassy that much? After this, I’m thinking of changing my own online profile now: “Romance writer seeks Alpha Hero – pirates need not apply. No hairy guys or bicycle thieves either.” Okay, maybe not that specific. Anyone want to help me? What should I say when trying to make that first cyber impression on Mr. Right?

~Trigger Happy Halliday

15 comments:

Tori Lennox said...

I love your mom! I think she may be my new idol. :)

Keri Ford said...

Your mother is beautiful! And a what a sense of humor! We must have updates from her dating life, too.

Not that you need any help writing anything whatsoever, but any excuse to aviod my WIP is a great idea! here's you a couple of paragraphs:

If you’re in forensics or investigation or anything related, you get bonus points so long as you’ll share all the details. Ideal date would be an all-access pass to a crime scene where I can take all the pictures and ask all the questions I want. Please, no looking at me funny when asked if the decamping body smells more like possum or rabbit road kill to you. Date would continue at the morgue where I can stand over the body with my own personal tape recorder, notepad, and permission to ask any questions that come to mind. Again, odd looks are not welcome here.

If in the past couple of decades you uttered the words, ‘Vast ye matties, batton down tha hatch’, you are probably not the fella for me. While I would enjoy hearing of your every life experiences, don’t pack them in all in one night. It would be nice if you asked about me on occasion, too. That doesn’t mean I want to talk all night while you do nothing but watch, listen, and hope you get to score with me later.

terrio said...

Man, your mom is intimidating. LOL! To me that is! There's nothing healthy about my lifestyle and I feel seriously inadequate right now. And I'm only 36!

I wrote a snarky profile earlier this year but don't know what I did with it. Got no responses but I only did it on a dare so it didn't matter. I'm thinking about jumping back in soon as it seems to be my pre-summer ritual.

I think Keri has you all fixed up there. You might just want to add a note that if the person knows you from the past not to expect you to remember. Reminders up front are appreciated. :)

catslady said...

roflmao I agreed with everything except no cruise ships or casinos lol. And you both have a great sense of humor.

Dru said...

I love your mom. She knows exactly what she wants.

Gemma Halliday said...

Lol! I love it, Keri! OMG, I'm so using some of that. Ha!

~Gemma

Gemma Halliday said...

Terrio - You're right, I should totally have a "Warning: short attention span" clause in my profile!

Yes, jump back into dating with us! It's fun, I swear. Okay, mostly fun. But, even the bad ones are good for a laugh!

~Gemma

terrio said...

I might just do it, Gemma. I'm getting a hair cut tomorrow so I'll have the kiddo take some pics and see if there's anything I'm willing to use. LOL!

But I do hope you'll keep us posted how your mom's adventures go. I'm keeping my fingers crossed she gets her man!

Gemma Halliday said...

Thanks, Terrio! I'll definitely post any note-worthy dates she goes on.

Good luck with the hair cut! And, hey, if you need help choosing a photo, just let us know!

~Gemma

Shelley Munro said...

Gemma - your Mum is a star. She sounds awesome. I've finally managed to get my hands on your Maddie books BTW. NZ might only be a 12 hour plane ride from the US but books take ages to come out over here! At present I'm on book 2and in Las Vegas. Fun times ;)

PBW said...

Your mom is awesome! I love how she lets a potential Mr. Right know she's not watching football and happily does her own thing.

What a lady!

Gemma Halliday said...

I'm so glad they finally got to you, Shelley! You'll have to let me know what you think once you finish them. I've been told book #2 is funniest, book #3 has the best mystery, and #4 is the most romantic. :)

~Gemma

Gemma Halliday said...

pbw - She is such a great lady! When people tell me I'm sounding like my mother, I always take it as a compliment.

~Gemma

Christie Craig said...

Love your mom Gemma!!!

And yup, she reminds me of someone. Now who would that be?

Crime Scene Christie

TechChick said...

Your mom looks *fabulous* for 59! She's my inspiration because I also choose organic where possible and eschew sunscreen most of the time.

And with that profile, she's got a fighting chance of finding someone. Most of the profiles are garbage.