Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Rock of Reality 2




Last Friday I was watching tv and stumbled across a reality show on VH1 - Rock of Love 2. It was like watching Godzilla eat power lines - I couldn't look away even though I knew I should.

Some of you might be familiar with this show. It's kind of a The Bachelor for Poison lead singer Bret Michaels. Only instead of looking for marriage, he's looking for a "hot rocker chick to hang with and be his rock of love." I know. I threw up a little in my mouth just then too.

I think I might have actually had a Poison cassette tape 20 years ago. That would make BM what, 80? I can't even remember his music. Obviously he had a profound effect on my teenage years.

So, poor little BM needs a girlfriend. They fill his mansion with twenty strippers and Playmate rejects all in their 20's, of course. These girls out bimbo the Landers Sisters of the '80's. Remember them? No? Damn, I was trying to keep an '80's vibe happening.

These um, girls, have names like Daisee, Destiney, and Ambre (all misspelled - which makes me want to destroy Tokyo) and have careers like stripper, actress and model. Right.

Then there's BM - who is short, balding, paunchy, and 45. And they talk about his "lifestyle" on the road as a "rock star." I think the last time I heard Poison was performing nearby they played at Clinton Riverboat Days in Iowa. So I checked out his tour dates. He's playing restaurants, taverns, county fairs, and small casinos. Oh yeah. His life as a relevant superstar.

Okay, so I'd like to imagine a show called Rock of Reality, where instead of getting idiot 20-somethings to make out for him, ride the stripper pole in his living room, mudwrestle, etc. BM had to face a roomful of women his own age and choose one to be his Rock of Love. I think it might go a little like this;

BM: For today's challenge...

Samantha: Are you going to wear that bandana all the time? And those clothes...how old are you again?

BM: This is part of my rockin' lifestyle, babes. Now for that challenge...

Carrie: Probably covering up a major bald spot.

BM: Um, I...

Charlotte: And what's with all the beer? Don't you have any wine or bottled water?

BM: Look! You are here to compete over who gets to be my hot rocker chick! Why are you all wearing expensive dresses? They don't show off your rack and we're going to be jello wrestling today.

Samantha: And ruin this manicure? Jello stains. And I'm serious, how old are you?

BM: You'll have to strip down to your underwear then. Now this will be a fight for who gets to share a brewski with me tonight.

Carrie: I don't think so. I paid $60 for my lingerie and you gross me out.

Charlotte: I don't want to fight them! I love these women! Why would I want to do that?

BM: Listen! You chicks are here to do whatever I ask you to do in order to become my off and on girlfriend while I tour the country as a rock star!

Samantha: About that, I checked Pollstar yesterday. You haven't been a rockstar in two decades. Now, I can help you out since I happen to be a publicist, but I'm not going to fight my friends in a pit of jello over you and you will pay my full fee.

Carrie: Listen Wannabe, you are not a catch. You don't have a lifestyle.

Charlotte: You obviously have issues.

Samantha: Not to mention (looking at his paunch) delusions of grandeur.

Carrie: Let's go, ladies. There are some adult men somewhere in this city.



Well, that's what I think it would really be like. What do you think?

The Assassin

17 comments:

bookmobiler said...

I think your version would put him between a Rock and a Hard place!

MsHellion said...

*LOL* Too hysterical...and perfect.

Granted, he did rock my world as a teen, but I was 12-14...I also liked Tom Cruise. 'Nuff said.

Beth said...

Ha! You hit the nail of the head. The only show worse than that one is 'Flavor of Love'. It's got this one-hit-wonder rapper from the 80's (he wears a HUGE clock around his neck all the time and has mostly gold teeth) and these women who were obviously rejects from the Rock of Love show because they are even skankier and more ho-ish (are those words?) than the R of L chicks. Last season, one of the "ladies" had a little uh... release of her bowels as she was decending a staircase in a formal gown in full view of the cameras. They even showed the um... pile on the carpet. I hope no one from outside the US watches these shows, can you imagine what they must be thinking about us? ::shudder::

Lucy said...

Oh how funny! I think I could watch THAT show. LOL

terrio said...

Oh how I hate these shows. I remember Poison clearly though they were one of the least talented bands of the Hair Band days. And that's saying something.

I'm pretty sure one of those two chicks in that picture got drunk and threw up on a boat or something. And I found out that isn't even his house. Some dude let them use it and now he's sueing because they trashed it. Duh!

Flava of Love is even worse. Who in the world would want to be in the same room with Flava Flave nevermind in bed with that creton?!?

This reminds me, did you see that reality show where they brought in the Cougars? Those are the chicks that should be on Bret's show.

Keri Ford said...

I haven't seen this show, but it sounds like a train wreck. I believe I have been blessed in missing the Poison era.

Maybe I can catch a casino showing?

Leslie Langtry said...

We SO need to make this happen! I bet it would get more viewers. And yes, I believe it was Daisee who vomited on the boat. She also got mad when Ambre called her a stripper. Ambre responded with "That's your occupation!" I haven't seen the Flava show but now I'm going to look it up!

Now all we need is a hollywood producer...

Les

terrio said...

I'm actually surprised either of those girls even know the word "occupation" nevermind what it means. LOL!

Jana DeLeon said...

LOL Leslie - I was pretty sure BM was 82 at least. I think we listened to him around the same time. :)

Teri said...

Les, I have to tell you this was probably funnier to me than anyone else...remember I have that nurse thinking process...BM=bowel movement. Which I guess is pretty appropriate because that is what I want to do when I have watched this show

Leslie Langtry said...

Jana - I think we did! And Teri - of course that's what I meant - and I knew you'd get it.

And I love what bookmobiler wrote! So true!

Les

Amanda Stevens said...

This show makes me itch and not in a good way.

Christie Craig said...

Oh goodess, Leslie.

Too funny. Love it.

Crime Scene Christie

Gemma Halliday said...

Ahahahaha! OMG, that was so funny! Um, mostly because I’ve totally watched every episode of that show. I know, it’s a habit almost as bad as chewing fingernails, but I HAVE to know which stripper goes home crying and which one takes her top off that week. Oh – the best scenes – in the morning, before make-up goes on. Did you know some of those girls have no eyebrows? Like, none! Fascinating stuff.

~Gemma

Bob said...

Oh my, you've just made my day. So sick of these shows that make older men out to be all that.
Maybe we should have a Romance Writer finding her Alpha Hero show? Well it'd be good going through the auditions, lots of firemen and airforce pilots.... hmmmmm nice thoughts.

Bob said...

Oh my, you've just made my day. So sick of these shows that make older men out to be all that.
Maybe we should have a Romance Writer finding her Alpha Hero show? Well it'd be good going through the auditions, lots of firemen and airforce pilots.... hmmmmm nice thoughts.

Lois said...

I totally agree. Couldn't be more sickened by Rock of Love whatever. I can't believe with all the great writers out there that there isn't better material for the sitcoms, movies, whatever. We really need the relief out here in TV land.