Gemma's Mom seeks Mr. Right

My mom and I are super close. Not only do we look like sisters (Yep, that's her. Seriously, do we look alike or what?), but we share everything. Every date I go on, bad or good, I promptly tell her all about it, every gory detail. Which is why I was shocked when my sometimes… ahem, interesting… dating experiences prompted my mom to start dating again. (Did she not hear me say “Pirate”?!) But, I was actually a little bit proud of her. A few years ago she decided the world was populated with beautiful women and troll men and gave up on the whole dating scene. She’s been happily single ever since. But, recently she saw how much fun I was having and decided she was going to give it one more go at finding Mr. Right. (Or, at least as she put it, Mr. Has a Large Inheritance to Give Away and a Heart Condition. Mom is ever the practical one.) Only, this time around, Mom decided she was going to date on her terms. One reason I love her. She refuses to take any poo-poo from anyone. So, here is a coy of the profile Mom posted on one online dating site:

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Hi! I'd like to meet someone strong and intelligent. It would be really nice if he's not in therapy, not a graduate of any twelve-step program or rehab facility, and lives in a dwelling attached to a foundation. We should start as friends first, and we shouldn't even meet if we have no intention of being friends. I don't kiss at a first meeting and won't be having sex on the second date. If that's what you're looking for, well now you know.

I'd like to meet someone who actually saw the Beatles live on Ed Sullivan, someone who remembers where he was when he first heard the news that Kennedy was shot. (Youngin's, I'm flattered, but it won't work!) Please don't be a member of an angry political group, or any other angry group, for that matter. Please be someone who thinks for himself and lives by no dogma.

Most of the older men expect to find a woman with no life who will just slip into their lives unnoticed. Is that possible? I don’t know. I probably won’t move to a cattle ranch and take up horseback riding. Also probably won’t move to someone’s wine vineyard, no matter how tempting. Nor will I be likely to leave home to roam the oceans in search of the Almighty “Adventure.” I have a life! I like my life. I don’t want to give it up. How about you give up yours and move into mine?

I don't camp, fish, hunt, ski, sail, scuba, watch football, ride on motorcycles, travel to “exotic places,” go on cruise ships, hang out in casinos, listen to jazz, or ever, ever sit through an opera. You are certainly free to do so, while I pursue my own interests. Or, you can join me! I'll be growing flowers and herbs, painting, shopping for bargains, cooking, reading, going to lectures or museums, playing tennis, working out, or out for a walk in the sun. I don't wear sunscreen. Or hats. An occasional light rock concert, movie or show can be fun.

My diet is primarily organic. It's colorful, full of veggies and truly whole foods, low on dairy, no sugar. Jack LaLanne is my hero. I shop at Whole Foods, Trader Joe's, the Farmers' Market. I'd rather eat in than out. I drink wine daily because I love it. I have a girlish figure, with a waistline, probably from a fair dedication to life-long exercise.

I like being outdoors when it involves getting a tan. Did I mention, I don't wear sunscreen? I also don't take medications or line up for my yearly battery of invasive and risky medical tests. I think it's better to focus on building health and happiness.

I have my own business, own a nice home, drive a luxury car, and have a wonderful, expanding family. My children are mostly grown, the youngest graduating Stanford in June. My kids are great, and I'm sure yours are, too, but let's not talk each other's heads off about them.

Did I mention I drive a 2006 luxury car? I don't do "vintage." If I'm not wearing my Asics, I'm in heels and designer jeans. I style my own hair, do my own nails, shop with coupons. My home mortgage is my only debt, credit rating is excellent, and I have money in several banks as well as in stocks. (I don't need yours, but you should have some of your own.)

All that said, what’s really important is chemistry and character. Everything here is truthful, because if we’re hoping for an intimate relationship, full honesty is a must. My photos are recent. I think I look and feel hot for almost 59, and I want to stay active forever.

I'm looking for one special guy who's willing to take the time to make it real. I probably sound a little fed up. But, really, I’m almost always in a really good mood.

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Can anyone guess where Gemma gets her snarky sense of humor? ;) I laughed so hard when she showed this to me. But – the best part! – she has gotten tons of responses from this profile! Who knew men loved sassy that much? After this, I’m thinking of changing my own online profile now: “Romance writer seeks Alpha Hero – pirates need not apply. No hairy guys or bicycle thieves either.” Okay, maybe not that specific. Anyone want to help me? What should I say when trying to make that first cyber impression on Mr. Right?

~Trigger Happy Halliday