Friday, April 18, 2008

I am not a mystery novel heroine

People ask me a lot whether or not the dates I talk about on this blog are actually real. I guess some people have a hard time believing there are really that many off-the-wall guys out there. Let me assure you, there are, and I have dated them. Every single guy I have blogged about is totally real. I’m stating this for the record now because I had the weirdest experience of my life last weekend and, after telling Suze all about it, she said, “There’s no way you can post this date on your blog.”
“Why not?” I asked.
“Because no one would ever believe it really happened to you.”
Sadly, it did.

So, I’ve been seeing this guy for the past few weeks. At first, I wasn’t all that gung ho about it because, as I’ve mentioned here, I’m trying to find Mr. Forever. This guy had Mr. Right Now written all over him. He’s an ultimate fighter, for one thing. Yeah, as in he beats people up in those cage matches on TV for a living. Kinda scary. But, sucker for muscles that I am, once I met him, I started to dig him a little more. And, he was actually incredibly sweet. Way more than you’d think a guy that knocks people senseless all day would be.

Anyway, we went out a few times, had a good time. Then, last weekend I was supposed to meet him at his house to go to dinner. I was psyched ‘cause I just bought this really cute new outfit at the mall and was dying to show it off somewhere. So, even though I knew I’d be a little overdressed, I threw it on and added a pair of sparkly rhinestone studded silver heels to cap it off.

I get to his place exactly on time and knock on the door. Nothing. I spy the bell and ring that. I wait. And wait. Finally his roommate answers and lets me in. I go down the hall to his bedroom and see that the door is open. I kinda knock and push my way in with a, “Hello?” The TV is on, but Fight Boy’s not there. So, I make myself at home, sit down, pick up one of his books to read, figuring he's in the shower or bathroom or something. I wait a few minutes. No sign of him. I’m feeling a little odd hanging out in his bedroom like this. I mean, I don’t know him that well. So, I get up, kinda peek around the rest of the house. He's not in the kitchen, living room, bathroom, or backyard. K, weird.

I go back to his bedroom and wait a few more minutes, grab the remote and change the channel (from Terminator to America's Next Top Model – hey , if I gotta wait around, I might as well be entertained doing it, right?). I watch TV for a few minutes. He still doesn't show. It's getting late now. Like, he's 20 minutes late. So that’s when I really start checking out his stuff. His keys are on the nightstand, so is his cell phone. He wouldn't leave the house without those, right?

I try texting him, thinking maybe he has a different cell he uses. Nope. My text shows up on that phone. K, so where the heck is he?

And that’s when things went from weird to freaky.

I hear a noise. From the closet. I look up and, I swear to heaven, a body part falls out.

A. Body. Part.

It looks like someone's knee. Or elbow. Definitely flesh-like. I freeze. Has someone been in the closet watching me this whole time? I get up and walk out of the room, totally casual like, pretending I didn't see anything. I'm thinking either a) he's been sitting here watching me from his closet (creepy!), b) he was doing something totally embarrassing when I walked in and hid in the closet (double creepy!) or c) there's a dead
body in there (beyond creepy.) I wait in the kitchen, letting my pulse return to normal (and giving anyone hiding in there a chance to get out and slink away), then slowly go back in his room.

Yup, the knee is still there. Sticking out of the closet. Not moving at all.

This is where I proved that I am no mystery novel heroine. A mystery novel heroine would have investigated. She would have peeked in the closet, found out who the knee was attached to, why they were there, if they were, in fact, alive.

Me? I grab my purse and bolt. Hit the front door, run to my car, lock the doors, peel out of there so fast I burn rubber, and drive straight home.

I know. I’m a chicken. But, as anyone who has read my books knows, when my heroines investigate, someone always gets hurt. Usually them.

Needless to say, that’s the end of me and Fight Boy. Honestly, there is no explanation that will ever make me go back there. The best I can think of is that he somehow passed out in his own closet. That's best case scenario. Worst case… my fingerprints are now all over a
crime scene.

Just when I think I've been on the worst date ever (bicycle thieves, hairy wookie men, pirates…) one more shows up to top them all off.

Anyone know a nice, safe convent I could go join?

~Trigger Happy Halliday

46 comments:

Kendra said...

Have you talked to him? Is he still alive?

My first thought was...what do you call it where they cut off the blood supply to the brain to increase the pleasure when they get off?

A knee? And it didn't move? This is too weird. I would be running in the opposite direction. (After I peeked in the closet!)

Dru said...

So, where was he? Did he call you to ask where you were? How come roommate let you in if he wasn't there? Or was he there but hiding.

I would have peeked and then ran out.

Leah said...

See, this is where being a novelist comes in handy - you could make up some kind of ending where there's a perfectly reasonable explanation. Or any explanation, even! Now we're just left hanging. So not fair.

Gemma Halliday said...

That was unfair to leave you hanging, wasn’t it. But, I’m kind of hanging myself. He did leave me a message later and apologize for "being late", so I know he's is alive. But his explanation of where he was totally didn’t make sense, so still not sure what really happened. And when I mentioned the closet, he totally clammed up. No explanation from him. Just a, "Huh. weird." Uh huh. Weird. But, I didn't press it. Hey, I don't wanna be a witness to anything that could result in a) angry fighters or b) court appearances. Better just to slowly back away...

~Gemma

terrio said...

OMG!! What dating god did you tick off?! Seriously! I'm having a very hard time practically choking on my tongue so my co-workers don't hear me cackling out of my office. LMAO!!

What did the roommate say when he let you in? And I didn't even think about your fingerprints being all over the place until you mentioned it.

I don't consider myself a mystery novel herione but I think the curiosity would have gotten the better of me. I think I would have looked.

But at the same time I'm cringing imagining what I might have found. You have got to be the unluckiest single woman I know of. *shakes head in wonder*

MsHellion said...

My ass would have bolted too. Too hysterical. And I totally believe it. Actually I think the pirate story scared me a bit more than this, but it's a close call. *LOL*

You're a Glutton. That's all I have to say. I'm becoming more and more convinced if you don't find someone by the time you're 20 or 22, you're done--WHY? Because the ones who are left are single for a reason. As you keep encountering with pirates, mommas' boys, and Coming Out of the Closet guy....

I know that contradicts my belief in HEAs...but seriously what are we single girls supposed to think?

Lucy said...

OMG! I would have totally freaked out, probably screamed before I ran from the building.

Jana DeLeon said...

I have to say, I probably would have run you over on the way out the door. I'm with you - there's really NO explanation that's going to bring him back from that one. But still, you gotta wonder.......

Gemma Halliday said...

Because the ones who are left are single for a reason.

I’m starting to think this might be true. Maybe I just go for divorced guys from now on. At least then someone has tested the merchandise first and found it free of major deal-breaker defects.

~Gemma

Tori Lennox said...

OMG!!! I'm with Jana. I'd have beat you out of the joint. *g* Provided, of course, I wasn't frozen with horror. LOL!

Beth said...

Yow Gemma, you do know how to pick 'em. My sister lived in SF for 7 single years and had some similar experiences. Maybe it's just the guys in your area, they're either gay, married or have 'irregular' stamped somewhere on their body. But guess what? She moved back down south and met a guy. Must be something in the bay water.

Gemma Halliday said...

Hmm... I might enjoy the south....

~Gemma

catslady said...

I think I'm speechless!!!!!!!!!

MsHellion said...

Yes, Divorced is usually free of the major deal-breakers. Unless they're divorced because he was cheating on her--and then that's a little hard to pick up on. Unless you catch him staring at your waitress hard while you're trying to tell him something. That could be the giveaway.

I might consider moving south too. I love the bay. *LOL*

Jennifer Lewis said...

That is so totally a scene from one of your books. I think that makes the outfit tax-deductible....

::::hugs:::::

Jen

R.G. ALEXANDER said...

Where do you meet these people?! LOL
I am now of course dying to know, no matter how perverse or horrible, why he/dead body/boogey man was in the closet.

Crystal Jordan said...

LMAO. See, it just proves your heroines are fiction...and some things really are stranger than fiction.

Gwen Hayes said...

geez, I thought the pirate was weird!

Gemma Halliday said...

Jen - I LOVE the way you think!

~Gemma

Gemma Halliday said...

Me too, RG! Which is why I even answered his message in the first place. But he seemed quite adamant about not telling. A friend suggested today maybe he was with another girl and tossed her in the closet when I showed up? Or maybe it was him doing some weird voyeuristic thing, hoping Gemma got freaky all alone in his bedroom? *shudder*

~Gemma

Lanie Fuller said...

I'm with RG. I totally want to know what's going on. But then, I'm nosy by nature.

Glad you're safe, though!

Keri Ford said...

this will be keeping me awake at night! I'm mad with curiosity!

Can't say I would have investigated, but I do believe I would have tracked down his roomate then watched from a safe distance. Like the doorway with one foot in the hall in case I needed to make a run for it!

I have to say, my first thought was he was hidding in there with another girl. guess I'll never know...ARGGHHHHH!!!!!

Gwen Hayes said...

Maybe it was a blow up doll?

Mel said...

Stories like this is why I refrain from dating. But hilarious to hear.

Jenna Bayley-Burke said...

I would have ran too!

Robin L. Rotham said...

ROFLMAO!!! Girl, where's your curiosity?! No way in hell could I have left without knowing what was happening.

Jennifer Bianco said...

OMG!! I can't breathe. I started laughing at the body part and went into straight hysterics for the rest.

I admire your restraint by bolting. I would've had to know who the knee belonged to. When you searched the apartment, the roommate wasn't around? He didn't say a word?

LOL! I can't stop laughing.

Georgia Woods said...

See, I'd totally be opening that closet door to see if he was in there with someone else... Or maybe he had some embarrassing medical condition and passed out, or it was some drunk girl from the night before, and I'd totally have to know that, or or or... I could NOT have run out of there without looking...

But OMG, what a position to be in, and what's up with the roommate... totally weird.

Hugs!!
Georgia

Elisabeth Naughton said...

OMG. This is why I'm glad I'm not single.

I'd have run too. I think you were pretty amazing to hang out in the kitchen then go back in his room. Though I, too, am dying to know the real story...

Gemma Halliday said...

I know, the not knowing is killing me too. K, if you all come with me to protect me, we'll go over there and interrogate him till he breaks.

But, at the time the fact that he outweighed me by almost 100 pounds and beats people up for a living... whimper... I ran like lightening.

~Gemma

Morgan St. John said...

oh man, i needed that. :D thank you. I've been in revision hell for a week! *snort* In his closet?! LOL very weird.

Shelli Stevens said...

That's just a trip. I would have been one who had to check.

Or I would have yelled something like 'Dude, you'd better not be in there watching me through the cracks in the closet." Just to see if he pushed open the door. No reply, I'd go check.

Or I'd have gone for the roommate and brought him back in the room, then been like WTF is that?

Jenyfer Matthews said...

Wouldn't it have been fun to slam the door on the body part???

Okay, seriously, you need to change your dating service!!!

Sara Thacker said...

Dang girl, that is freaky.

Sara Thacker said...

My hubby thinks the guy was doing something nasty in the closet while watching you. He is not date material.

Anonymous said...

O.M.G!Gemma! I so totally would have looked. But I can completely understand why you bolted.

Although, thinking about it, would you not feel just the teensiest bit guilty if there were a body in there and the coroner put the time of death at say, five minutes after you rabbitted out of there?

Glad you've decided to ditch Fight Boy, though. You need to change your phone #, email addy, and just to be safe, MOVE.

Jenyfer Matthews said...

My hubby thinks the guy was doing something nasty in the closet while watching you. He is not date material.

I was thinking this as well, though it wouldn't explain why the knee didn't move once you'd left the room and come back.

You are right though - no explanation would be good enough!!

bria said...

OMGosh! Seriously, that's nuts - thank goodness you're ok.

And yet, I laughed my butt off :)

Gemma Halliday said...

Although, thinking about it, would you not feel just the teensiest bit guilty if there were a body in there and the coroner put the time of death at say, five minutes after you rabbitted out of there?

You know, I thought of that as I was racing home. And did feel a little guilty. I was actually really relieved when he left me that first message.
The next six were just annoying though.

~Gemma

Faye Hughes said...

Gemma,

I swear, girl, your dating disaser blogs are the absolute best. LOL.

Faye, writing from RT

catslady said...

6 more messages!! He doesn't know where YOU live right???

Leigh Royals said...

I worried about your fingerprints too! That you wrote the same thing made me giggle. That is so weird! Hope it was just a bad joke. Man. Good luck to ya.

Gemma Halliday said...

He doesn't know where YOU live right???

He does!! I've been totally locking my doors day and night since this happened. Probably my overactive imagination at work that I'd need to. Probably. Hopefully.

~Gemma

Gemma Halliday said...

Faye - I am so jealous! I hope you're LOVING RT. I wanna be at the Dorchester shoe party tonight! Waaaaa! (Be a little extra fab for me too, k?)

~Gemma

Jennah said...

Oh. My. God.

Eden Bradley said...

I have to say, you really do end up on the oddest dates EVER! It's a gift. Or perhaps a curse.