Tuesday, December 18, 2007

Lap Dancing and Sexy Santa Underwear

The winner of the T-shirt, the book, the chocolate, and the DD&D T-shirt is Lucy. Contact me Lucy.

Okay, I will confess. Every year about this time—during the naughty and nice season—I throw caution to the December winds and become a bit of a lap dancer. Give me a lap and I’m on it. I even have pictures to prove it. Heck, I’ve even written about my lap dancing events and sold them to national magazines, pictures included!

Just last weekend, on my way to my autographing, I spotted a real animal of a man—you could even say he was prime stock—he was literally begging for a lap dance and well, I couldn’t resist. My husband was with me and when he saw me light up, he simply rolled his eyes.

I’m so passionate about my seasonally-enhanced obsession, that I’ve encouraged many people to try it themselves. My favorite follower into the world of December lap dancing was my eighty-year-old grandma.

That’s right, in all her years on earth, she had never done it before, but I encouraged her and well, she practically glowed with joy afterward. And so did the man whose lap she sat on.

Santa actually gave her an extra wink and a candy cane as I recall.

You see, I believe in Santa, or at least I believe in the magic of the season. And from the year I married my hubby, we’ve sought Santa out and warmed his lap and got pictures taken with the jolly old soul. In the photo selection on my mantle every year, there are 22 images. There is one of my son’s first Christmas, one where he is still warm and snug in the womb and I’m about as round as I am tall. There are the years that my daughter calls her awkward, had-pimple years. There are my fat and thin years. Oh, then there’s the bad perm year. My hair was almost as big as I was. Ugg. (Don’t worry, I’m sparing you that one.)

Included in the pictures are the family members who came to visit during the holiday season. Our numerous visitors included my mom, one with my dad accompanied by one of my uncles, who passed away only a week after his visit.

One of my favorite lap-dancing memories and photos is when I took my grandma to the mall and Santa’s lap-placer positioned my grandma on Santa’s lap for the shot. When we walked away, Grandma looked at me with a merry twinkle in her eye and said, “You know, that’s the first time in my life I’ve ever sat on Santa’s lap.” Who knew, I’d get the opportunity to witness one of my grandma’s firsts?

Every year, the photos are part of my seasonal decorations. You would be amazed at how many people take the time to check out our yearly tradition, too. Sure, I know what they are thinking…gosh…look how old Christie’s gotten, or even worse…look at that perm, but hey, I’m proud of each image, because each Polaroid tells a story—fat, thin, bad hair-dos and all—they tell a story of a family.

Anyway, seasonal lap dancing and getting photos to commemorate the occasion are one of my family traditions. Another thing we do is write clues on the gifts under the tree. The receiver has to read the clue and try to guess what’s in the package. We sometimes spends hours coming up with clues that no one can guess. i.e. To my loving husband, who inspired this gift by being jolly but yet hole-y.

Can you guess what it is?

I have a gift under the tree right now from my husband with the note that says… “Because shit happens.”

So help me out here. What do you think it could be? I swear, if it’s another toilet brush I’m returning his sexy Santa underwear (a gift inspired by him being both jolly and hole-y—you know how hard men are on their underwear) that I anticipate he’s gonna love.

So…what are some of your family’s holiday traditions? Come on, share.

Happy Holidays

Crime Scene Christie


Anonymous said...

If your husband reads your blog your going to have to come up with a different present.

'I have a gift under the tree right now from my husband with the note that says… “Because shit happens.” '

Could be a shovel.

If I weren't so disorganized I could show you a picture I have around here some where.
In it Santa's sitting on my lap. :)

Christie Craig said...


Thanks for posting.

Hmmm...a shovel, huh? Hey...we do have a dog so you might be on to something!

Crime Scene Christie

And I would love to see the image of your doing a little holiday lap dancing.

Jenyfer Matthews said...

You should have some rules about not being so vague in hints. You may never get to open that present!!

Traditions? I keep trying to get something going but few things seem to stick from year to year. The one thing the kids really do seem to like though is a countdown tree I made. It's a quilted wall hanging of a tree and they get to hang a little bell ornament on the tree every day from the first to Christmas day.

Christie Craig said...


That's a great tradition. You children will probably carry it on into their adulthood.

And about that gift. Shh...I'm not sure I want to open it. I mean...what kind of hint is that? Actually, I'm sure it's something pretty neat. The toliet brush had a coupon tied around it that said...One Free Writer's Conference. Hey...I loved it.
However, we do eventually allow the person to open the gift whether they guess the gift or not.

Jenyfer Matthews said...

Christie - Actually, the way things are at present, I imagine that they'll FIGHT over the tree if I don't make another one. And then they'll either fight over who gets the original or who gets the new one!!

Unlike the Christmas quilts I made them this year which they seem to care less about, LOL.

Christie Craig said...


Have faith, they will grow up and maybe do less fighting. And hey, those Christmas quilts sound wonderful.

Have a great holiday.

Crime Scene Christie

Gemma Halliday said...

Shit happens... hmm... New carpet? ;)

~ Gemma

Tori Lennox said...

What fun traditions! No clue what your gift could be, though. *g*

Christie Craig said...


Okay...I hadn't thought about that. Hmm....

Thanks for posting girl.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...


Thanks for stopping by. Hmmm...I'll have to let everyone know what the gift is next week.

Hope your Holidays are great.

Crime Scene Christie

Estella said...

Clues on presents would drive me crazy guessing!

Christie Craig said...


Thanks for stopping by.

The clues are fun, but yep, they can drive you a little crazy.

Have a happy holiday.

Crime Scene Christie

Lucy said...

I won??? How cool is that.

Anyway, could it be a pooper scooper? And maybe a coupon for a day of pampering. That'd be my guess. :-)

Christie Craig said...


Congrats girl. Send me your mailing address at my email addy from my website.

Oh...I like your guesses. Hmmm....

A day of pampering would be good. The pooper scooper...well, I try to avoid all poop.

Ms Terry in Gadsden said...

My family's Christmas Tradition is going out for a ride and looking at Christmas lights around town. My brother is 12years younger than me and when he was very young when we would come upon a house that had lights he would announce there's one.
Seeing the amazment on a Childs face at Christmas it doesn't get much better than that.
A couple of weeks ago my 3 year old great nephew had been noticing Christmas lights in the neighborhood he told his mom "We dont have any Christmas in our yard"
the next day Grandfather went out and bought a big lighted Santa for the boys for their yard. A day or two passed and Cameron said "momma but we dont have lights in our yard. The next day grandfather made sure Cameron , Chris and Caden do have Christmas in Their Yard.
Their mom thought a Christmas tree inside was decoration enough. Cameron , really knows how to get his way.
I bet he knows that if Santa won't grandfather will.

Christie thanks for the photos.

Christie Craig said...


Great story, girl.
Nothing beats a child's enthusiasm for Christmas. Your dad is a great guy.

Can I send you my list for him?

Merry Christmas.

Crime Scene Christie

Kathy Bacus said...

Loved the pics, Christie. I am somewhat surpised to find you're not wearing a Santa hat in any of them, though. :)

My family's Christmas Eve tradition includes a candlelight service followed by a finger food buffet and an evening of game playing.

Mystery gift guess? Toilet paper that says, 'Ho, Ho, Ho, I gotta go?' maybe? Be sure to let us know what your dh came up with.

~Bullet Hole Bacus~

Christie Craig said...

Hi Kathy,

The toilet paper might be a good guess. Hmm....

And I do have my Santa hats, but I didn't want to outshine Santa. I'm hoping he'll leave me a couple New York Times Best-selling plots under my tree this year.

Crime Scene Christie

Anonymous said...

I'm voting for the pooper scooper. Just imagine the blog that would generate. LOL.

Great post, CC.