Lap Dancing and Sexy Santa Underwear

WINNERS, WINNERS.
The winner of the T-shirt, the book, the chocolate, and the DD&D T-shirt is Lucy. Contact me Lucy.

Okay, I will confess. Every year about this time—during the naughty and nice season—I throw caution to the December winds and become a bit of a lap dancer. Give me a lap and I’m on it. I even have pictures to prove it. Heck, I’ve even written about my lap dancing events and sold them to national magazines, pictures included!


Just last weekend, on my way to my autographing, I spotted a real animal of a man—you could even say he was prime stock—he was literally begging for a lap dance and well, I couldn’t resist. My husband was with me and when he saw me light up, he simply rolled his eyes.

I’m so passionate about my seasonally-enhanced obsession, that I’ve encouraged many people to try it themselves. My favorite follower into the world of December lap dancing was my eighty-year-old grandma.

That’s right, in all her years on earth, she had never done it before, but I encouraged her and well, she practically glowed with joy afterward. And so did the man whose lap she sat on.

Santa actually gave her an extra wink and a candy cane as I recall.

You see, I believe in Santa, or at least I believe in the magic of the season. And from the year I married my hubby, we’ve sought Santa out and warmed his lap and got pictures taken with the jolly old soul. In the photo selection on my mantle every year, there are 22 images. There is one of my son’s first Christmas, one where he is still warm and snug in the womb and I’m about as round as I am tall. There are the years that my daughter calls her awkward, had-pimple years. There are my fat and thin years. Oh, then there’s the bad perm year. My hair was almost as big as I was. Ugg. (Don’t worry, I’m sparing you that one.)

Included in the pictures are the family members who came to visit during the holiday season. Our numerous visitors included my mom, one with my dad accompanied by one of my uncles, who passed away only a week after his visit.

One of my favorite lap-dancing memories and photos is when I took my grandma to the mall and Santa’s lap-placer positioned my grandma on Santa’s lap for the shot. When we walked away, Grandma looked at me with a merry twinkle in her eye and said, “You know, that’s the first time in my life I’ve ever sat on Santa’s lap.” Who knew, I’d get the opportunity to witness one of my grandma’s firsts?

Every year, the photos are part of my seasonal decorations. You would be amazed at how many people take the time to check out our yearly tradition, too. Sure, I know what they are thinking…gosh…look how old Christie’s gotten, or even worse…look at that perm, but hey, I’m proud of each image, because each Polaroid tells a story—fat, thin, bad hair-dos and all—they tell a story of a family.

Anyway, seasonal lap dancing and getting photos to commemorate the occasion are one of my family traditions. Another thing we do is write clues on the gifts under the tree. The receiver has to read the clue and try to guess what’s in the package. We sometimes spends hours coming up with clues that no one can guess. i.e. To my loving husband, who inspired this gift by being jolly but yet hole-y.

Can you guess what it is?

I have a gift under the tree right now from my husband with the note that says… “Because shit happens.”

So help me out here. What do you think it could be? I swear, if it’s another toilet brush I’m returning his sexy Santa underwear (a gift inspired by him being both jolly and hole-y—you know how hard men are on their underwear) that I anticipate he’s gonna love.

So…what are some of your family’s holiday traditions? Come on, share.

Happy Holidays

Crime Scene Christie