Tales from the dressing room

This week, fed up with wearing yoga pants and sweats all the time, I finally broke down and went maternity shopping. Let me tell you, shopping for clothes that make you look like you’re smuggling an alien under your shirt while being on a hormonal cocktail is not something any woman should have to go through and be expected to keep her cool.

The first bit of horror that came my way was hen my best friend informed me, “You know, you can’t wear heels when pregnant,” Um… what?! No one told me that! But, I googled it, and she’s right. It’s a total no-no. With the changing weight, your balance is constantly just slightly off, so stilts are forbidden. Crap. I look in my closet. All the summer shoes I have are heels. And I do mean all. I do not own one single pair of flats. Sigh.

So, off to the mall I go – in search of maternity tents and flats. Yay.

The first problem I encounter is that I have no idea what size to even try on. Normally, I’m a small/medium. But, considering I’m only in month 4 of alien growing, it turns out I’m an extra small in pregnancy clothes. Okay, I admit, buying an extra small anything was kinda fun. But then I tried the clothes on and they fit perfectly. Just enough give all around to be comfortable. Which means they’re probably going to continue fitting for all of two weeks. So, I went up a size. I pulled the pants up. They promptly fell around my knees. Whimper. I ended up buying both sizes, figuring I’m gonna grow into the bigger ones and can wear the smaller ones now.

Then I look at he price tags. Holy maxed out credit cards! I had no idea that those few inches of extra fabric would make maternity clothes so expensive. Which, I think, is really unfair, because it’s not like we have a choice weather to buy them or not. Seriously, I’ll be spending my savings on truckloads of diapers, you’d think they could give me a little break in the clothing department.

No such luck.

So, with my credit card wincing, I take both pairs of pants up to the gal at the counter. Who, incidentally is about 20 and a stick figure. I hate her already. She starts ringing up my clothes and tells me that I’ve made a mistake and bought two different sizes. I tell her one is for now, one is for when I grow later. She shakes her perky little head. “No,” she tells me. “These clothes are made so the belly panel grows with you. You’re supposed to get the same size you normally are in regular clothes and it wilt fit the whole time.”

Clearly, she never grown an alien inside her.

I calmly tell her, “That might work if I only grew in the belly. But that doesn’t happen. Everything from about your knees up to your neck expands both front to back and side to side when you’re pregnant.”
(Or, as I had to explain to my son the other day, “Mommy’s butt grow in order to balance out her growing tummy so she doesn’t fall forward.”)

So, Stick Figure wrinkles her nose in an “eww, gross” gesture. Then the wise little twit informs me, “Well, your butt isn’t supposed to grow.”

I’m amazed that no big butted, hormonal pregnant woman has strangled the life out of this thing yet.

I hand her my credit card, tell her to shut up if she values her life and ring up the pants, then make a bee-lie for the nearest Mrs. Fields and calm my self down with a white chocolate macadamia nut cookie. Then wish ten children on stick figure girl. Preferably all twins. Bwahahahaha!

On the upside, I did manage to buy a bunch of cute outfits. As expensive as they were, I found it’s actually not a myth that pregnancy fashions have gotten better in the last few years. So, here are my buys that managed to be cute, comfortable, go with flats, and still expand with the alien growth:




These pants with this top, perfect for summer! Plus, the pants can go either full length or capri, so they work even on those breezy evenings.







Adorable top and a maternity min skirt. Yes, I may be pregnant, and I may have to give up my heels - but I'm still wearing a mini-skirt!






And the shoes. Oddly enough, there are some really pretty flats out there. Who knew?





~Trigger (and flats!) Happy Halliday