Monday, June 02, 2008

Laughter, Friendship & Purple Penis Envy

I know, I know, I used the “P” word. I can see my grandma in Heaven looking down at me, doing her famous finger wave and saying, “Young lady, you take that back right now.”

First, I’d tell grandma, “I can’t take it back, because I was one of the envious ones and not the receiver of the purple penis.” Second, I’d tell her, and ya’ll too, “Bear with me, give me just a little lead way here.”


Because this is truly a wonderful and heart-felt story, but I couldn’t tell the story without using the “P” word, because well, the purple penis and the envy is part of the story.

Let me start at the beginning. (I know, some of you are probably wanting me to jump right to the purple penis, but nope, you gotta hear the whole story.)

I have these friends—there are four of us. We’re all writers, varying ages, all young at heart, but all of us have racked up enough years to remember Elvis. And one of us is old enough to have actually dated him.

We come together once a month for a revival of life. While we do some critiquing, we are mainly a support group. To protect the guilty, I won’t mention names, but Suzan, Jody and Nancy know who they are.

Anyway, we meet at Paneras, a happening restaurant with Wi-fi, good food, and staff and clientele who tolerate us when we get loud. And yeah, that happens more times than not.

We don’t have a lot of rules. Well except one, “What happens in Paneras stays in Paneras.” I apologize profusely for breaking that one rule, but the purple penis story is just too good not to share. Besides, this is just with you guys, right?

So, we came together a couple of weeks ago. And as it is in life, we all bring with us our celebrations, i.e.: a new contract, a new outfit, a husband who finally found the spot (I’m talking about the spot on the floor) anyway, we all love to celebrate the good stuff. And in case you are wondering, there’s no alcohol beverages served. But only because it’s too early.

With four of us, that means we have eight shoulders, and if anyone needs one to cry on, or whine on, there’s always one available. Of course, we won’t let anyone wallow too long, life’s too short.

Some weeks we spend our whining time commiserating about how a two-pound cheesecake can pack on five pounds. We whimper a bit about teenagers being teenagers and how we wish we were like other mammals and just ate our young when we had the chance. We may momentarily mutter bad things about deadlines biting us in the butt, and spend a few short seconds moaning about doggy diarrhea. (Hey, there’s nothing we can’t talk about.)

But sometimes life throws us the crappier problems, (yeah, crappier than doggy diarrhea) and this last month, there must have been some clearance sale on crap because there seems to have been a lot to go around.

Things such as a recent loss of a parent, family issues, dying pets, job transfers out of state, health problems, and health problems of a spouse. The kind of problems that if one isn’t careful, can rob you of your joy.

Thank goodness we’re careful. Thank goodness we have each other. And for that particular day, thank goodness for the purple penis.

So imagine us, arriving at the restaurant--hearts a little heavier than usual. Suzan starts pulling out these really nice Hallmark gift boxes—keepsake type of boxes—from a bag.

“These are for you guys. Just because I appreciate all you do.”

Now, we all love gifts, but surprise gifts are the best. She hands us each our specific box. And we start opening them. Inside my box is lots of tissue, beneath I find a Willow Tree statue of an angel that I collect, and a leather bookmark. I love it! I watch Nancy open hers; she has journal books, a nice pen, as well as a bookmark. Then Jody opens her box, unfolds the tissue, and she pulls out a purple object. She holds it up in the middle of the table as we all try to wrap our minds around what it is. I mean, I had an angel and she had . . .

My mouth drops open.

Nancy just gapes.

Jody continues to stare.

Suzan . . . Suzan waits. Yeah, she knows what will happen . . . eventually.

I see in Jody’s eyes the exact second when she realizes that she’s holding a purple vibrator up in the middle of a booth in a crowded restaurant.

Her eyes grow round as quarters; her mouth goes a little slack. She throws the penis back in her box. And slams the lid down.
And Nancy and I do what I’m sure all of you would have done.

We immediately start digging around in our boxes, removing tissue, searching to see if we’d missed our own penises.

Yup, Nancy and I have a serious case of purple penis envy. Jody continues to hold her hand on the top, it almost looks as if she’s afraid the thing might try to escape, but in reality, we all know what’s going on. She’s afraid we’ll take it from her.

Hey, we couldn’t help it. It was a really nice penis. I personally think a couple of men sitting at the next table had penis envy. Yeah, we were getting quite a few looks.

Then Suzan, managing to hold a straight face, says to Jody, “Remember the time we were looking at the erotica basket at conference and you whined that you’d never had a purple penis? Well, I’m sorry, but I couldn’t afford to buy you the 12-inch, but it has adjustable speeds.”

That’s when it happened.

We all lose it and start to laugh, not the snickering, or proper lady-like kind of laughs, but those deep laughs that come straight from your toes.

We laugh until several of us have tears in our eyes.

We laugh until all the heavy burdens in our lives seem less like insurmountable burdens and more like things we can and will overcome.

And we stayed at that restaurant for almost four hours reveling in each other’s company.

You know, in this life we’ll all stumble across tough times, but those times can be a lot easier to deal with if you have friendships, laughter, and sometimes even a purple penis.

Today, because June is my release month, I’m giving away . . . no, I’m not giving away a purple penis, I’m giving away another Sexy, Suspenseful and Seriously Funny Tee-shirt, and a pack of note cards to one lucky poster. So take the time to post, tell me about a funny time you shared with your girlfriends, or tell me if you’ve seen Weddings Can Be Murder in a book store.

Oh, pop over to to read another very funny post about my hubby. They are holding a contest too.
Crime Scene Christie


Anonymous said...

Christie, I'm sitting here at work laughing my butt off at your story. (I should be working on budgets) It made my day. I finished "Weddings can be Murder" this weekend. Love it!!!

Linda C

Christie Craig said...

Thank you, Thank you, Thank you!!

And girl, keep laughing.

Crime Scene Christie

Anonymous said...

Christie, honestly. I love you like a sister but you have got to lighten up some time and stop be so serious. *giggling*

Great post, girl.


Keri Ford said...

Oh, goodness. Nope, never such occasions for me. *feeling a little purple penis envy myself* I've always been one of those girls who got along with guys. And you know guys aren't into doing all that gift stuff. They show they care by farting.

Yep, feeling some big-time envy here cause I'm getting short-changed.

Christie Craig said...


I'll try to work on lightening up. I promise.

Thanks for posting.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...


"They show they care by farting." Gosh, I think we might have married the same man. :-)

Thanks for stopping by.

Crime Scene Christie

Anonymous said...

I can see all four of you, especially since I know all of you, how truly funny!

I'll be getting WCBM this week, we go to B&N once a week during the summer! Can't wait to read it.

Christie Craig said...

Hi Tess,

Thanks for posting.

I hope you enjoy Weddings.

Crime Scene Christie

CrystalGB said...

How funny. When I was in college my friends gave me a chocolate penis and a thong that said 'rough rider' on it for my birthday. Needless to say, I was speechless and red in the face.

Christie Craig said...


Great. Now I have chocolate penis envy! (smile)

Thanks for stopping by.

Crime Scene Christie

Anonymous said...

ROFL!!! I'm pretty sure I'd have been mortified. *g*

But I probably wouldn't have wanted to share either. LOL!

anne said...

Great story. Thanks for the laughs. I have noted locations where your new release is available. K-Mart has a great selection here in town. BTW, the cover is simply delightful and sweet.

ellie said...

Your stories are always unique and give my day a great start.
WCBM are in all the wonderful stories. I saw it at B&N. Best of luck and more laughs the better.

Unknown said...

my girlfriends and I were at were at Outback and one of girls told a story of how she had gone at lunchtime to get waxed.(yes that area) and upon returning to work to she was the only sales girl in the store. (she works at a specialty running shoe store) She was squating helping a customer and as she stood up she passed gas very loudly. there was nothing there to muffle the sound. She had to own up to it and said she just turned around and walked to the back room b/c she was laughing so hard and could hardly control herself, but in the end the guy bought new shoes and some running clothes from her.
We laughed so hard and long.
I truely love getting together with my girlfriends and laughing.

I have not seen your book out yet, however I am going to the book store at lunch to check it out!!!

diane said...

This one just was the best ever.
Thanks. Congratulations on this new release. Looks wonderful.
I found it in the local supermarket.

Christie Craig said...


I'm thrilled I gave you a chuckle. Thanks for stopping by.

I think I was more envious that mortified.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...


Thanks for popping in. And we can all use a few more laughes.

And thanks for letting me know where Weddings is being shelved.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...


Yup, unique is just another way to say crazy, but hey, I'm having fun, and plan to keep laughing.

Thanks for the info on Weddings.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...


Okay, I'm sure this says a lot about me, but I love your friend's story. I think I've been around my men too long.

I hope you enjoy Weddings.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...


Thanks for stopping in. I told my Suzan, Jody and Nancy that I seriously thought this was one of my best blogs.

Thanks for the update on Weddings.

Crime Scene Christie

Terri Osburn said...

Oh, that is priceless. And Christie, if I can arrange it, you won't have to have that chocolate envy after Nationals.

Right now, I'm having group of friends envy. All my friends like that are spread across the country.

Picked up the book at B&N Friday night!

Christie Craig said...


Now I have something to really look forward to for nationals.

Big smile.

Crime Scene Christie

Terri Molina said...

Even not being there I can still see the look on all your faces! Classic! Now you've really got me missing our bi-weekly meets. :-/

Can't wait to get your book CC. (I went to my local Borders last week, but they didn't have it. >:/)

Christie Craig said...


We miss you around here, girl.

And the face that was the funniest was Jody. She was so shocked. Of course, she had one of those very expressive faces, too.

Thanks for stopping in.


Fedora said...

OMG! Thank you and your dearest friends for sharing that! There's nothing like having some friends you can share life's moments with, whether they're the more serious variety, or ones involving purple penises :) I've got to get to a bookstore so I can find Weddings Can Be Murder!

Thanks again for putting a smile on my face today :)

Christie Craig said...


Thanks so much for stopping by. It's so true, friends and laughter are a big part of what keeps us sane.

Please let me know how you enjoy Weddings.

Crime Scene Christie

Anonymous said...

Before digital cameras, I was out shopping with a girlfriend and spotted a one-hour photo shop. I had film from a vacation I took with a guy I was dating at the time, and left it there.

When I came back, I saw "No Charge" on top and thought that meant the pictures hadn't come out. Then, I saw the pictures ---including two I'd forgotten of him nude --- and, yes he had a six pack --- and the girls behind the counter were duh...that's why it was "No Charge". My girlfriend and I just started laughing.

Mary M

Wendy said...

Christie, that's hilarious! Ohmygod, if that had happened to me, I would have died laughing, and it's even funnier that Suzan kept a straight face! :)

Christie Craig said...

Mary M.

Ohhh, a six-pack. I want say anything about the naked part, but you know I'm thinking it.

Funny story, girl.

Thanks for posting.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...


Until recently, Suzan praticed law. She has to be great at keeping a straight face.

Thanks for posting.

Crime Scene Christie

Francyne said...

Two things: 1) No one...NO ONE challenged me on my big lie--after I admitted being a bigger lier than you are--about your age. Ha! Now I'll never tell. 2) Picture my finger wave like your grandmother and me saying, "Young lady you can say purple penis all you want, but you take back that doggy diarrhea comment, right now! Right now!!!

Francyne said...

And I know how to spell liar.

Gemma Halliday said...

Dude, they come in purple? :O I am so sheltered...

Colleen Thompson said...

Since I know the ladies in question, I'm *really* howling. I can just picture Jody's face! :)

acdaisy95 said...

Hi Christie - I really enjoy reading your post here and at Novelthoughts. That is too funny. Thanks for the great laughs.

Christie Craig said...


That's because they are scared of you. :-)

And I know you know how to spell liar, you taught me to spell it. I would have called you and asked how to spell diarrhea. But I knew you wouldn't have told me.

Thanks for posting.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...


Let me hook you up with Suzan, she knows everything. Hey...she has too. She was a lawyer.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...


I would have given anything to have had a camera to catch Jody's expression. Priceless.

Thanks for stopping by.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...


Thanks for popping over. We do love to laugh around here.

Crime Scene Christie

Jenyfer Matthews said...

I'm a little late to contribute, but I've been out of town.

I was home one summer and a couple of friends and I went out to eat dinner. One friend and I arrived together and as we waited for friend #3 we plotted against her with the waiter - her birthday was coming up so we asked them to bring her a dessert and sing.

It was a Mexican restaurant so they also brought a HUGE sombrero.

She is very self conscious when it comes to taking pictures but I have a wonderful picture of the two of us under the brim of that sombrero drinking a mammoth marguerita!

Later we took her out for beignets and told the man behind the counter it was her birthday. He spelled out an age a decade younger than her real age in beignets and powdered sugar and we all got a picture of her with him. He still flirts with her when he sees her.

Good times with girlfriends can be the best.

Christie Craig said...


So true, laughing with our girlfriends is the best. I do wish I'd had my camera with me for the "P" day. It would have been sooo funny.

Thanks for stopping by.

Crime Scene Christie

RM Kahn said...

This is hilarious, and sounds just like something that would happen with the group of girlfriends I have. We call ourselves The Council (6 of us) and we would be there in a heartbeat for each other and would not hesitate to get such a "gift" for one of us should the need arise.

Christie Craig said...

rm Kahn,

The Council sounds like a great group. Tell them I said hello and here's to lots of laughing, and what ever gift it takes to make the most of our time with good friends.

Thanks for posting.

Crime Scene Christie

Rena said...

RM Kahn sent the link to me. I am a member of the Council of Six, and yep, I know how important those moments are with your Goils. Excellent story! Thank you for sharing. And I'm excited to discover a new blog.

Christie Craig said...


I'm so thrilled RM sent you over here. We're a crazy bunch of gals, but we all appreciate laughter.

Don't be a stranger or as we say in the south, "Ya'll come back, ya here."

Crime Scene Christie