Killer Fiction

This may be the best, or worst sandwhich ever. It's the Double Down by KFC and instead of bread, it has two chicken breasts. One has to wonder what was going on in their heads when they created this.

I always thought the bread gave you something to hold onto while keeping your fingers relatively clean. Apparently, bread is not needed at all to make this sandwhich. You just need meat between meat with some cheese thrown in as a vegetable substitute.

Don't get me wrong...I am the worst eater you know. Growing up in the Midwest on red meat, butter and gravy does not make for a healthy lifestyle. My great grandfather judged a restaurant based on it's hot beef sandwhich. That is, a piece of white bread on a plate. Dump on slabs of roast beef, scoops of mashed potatoes and gravy and you have the midwestern version of filet mignon. By the way, it's the first thing I order if I see it on the menu.

I usually love stuff like this. When KFC came out with its Famous Bowls, Mr. Assassin and I downed dozens of them. And we still laughed when Patton Oswaldt called the Famous Bowl a Sadness Pile in a Failure Bowl. In fact, when KFC came out with the boneless chicken breast you could hold and eat, I was the first in line.

One time, Mr. A and I were in San Francisco for a week. The food was so lean that we found ourselves crawling into the Hard Rock Cafe begging for the greasiest burger they make. Back home, fettuchine alfredo sauce is so thick you could stand a fork up in it. In San Francisco - you got the equivalent of wet noodles.

Anyway, even with my hedonistic food cravings, this Double Down looks a bit too outrageous for me. And that bothers me. Hell, for the last few months I've been centering my lunchtime errands around Wendy's Black and Bleu burger and Hardee's Grilled Cheese Thickburger.

But the Double Down goes too far. I have to cut my arteries a break. I simply have to realize that I'm not five years old anymore. And that really hurts.

Next week, I get bifocals...the end is near.

The Assassin