Tuesday, July 29, 2008

Up, Up & Away: On My Way To a Writer's Conference





By the time you are reading this, I’m probably at the airport standing in line, trying to prove I am who I say I am, trying to figure out what keeps making the metal detector beep, (the underwire bra maybe?) And if that man passes that wand over my boob one more time, I’m going to have to call it “first base”, and he hasn’t even offered to buy me a drink. Then, when I finally get into my assigned seat, I just know I’m going to be sitting next to some guy who had onions with his breakfast, and who thinks because he’s male (owner of his own joy stick) and bigger than I am, he gets my arm rest and part of my leg room. (Gotta have room for his joy stick and his boys.) Then he’ll fall asleep on my shoulder and snore to the tune of Jingle Bells. And when I arrive, my luggage will be on a plane to Calcutta and I’ll have to borrow clothes from Nora Roberts or Jennifer Cruise. Hey, I hope they don’t mind if I have to get them hemmed.

I know, I know, I’m doing some negative visualization here, but can you tell I’ve flown before? And all of the above situations have happened to me. Well, with the exception to borrowing clothes from Nora or Jennifer. And it wasn’t because I didn’t try, but they got back to their room before I was able to pick the lock of their hotel door.

Oh yeah, I’ve done my share of flying and had my share of flying disasters. When I was doing travel articles regularly, I did two to three trips a month. In all fairness, I’ve had plenty of good flights and met plenty of really great people on flights. Ahh, but it’s the bad flights I remember the most. And the ones that are the funniest.

For example, there was the time I was flying in from Virginia. I’m in the plane and in the middle seat in the row in front of me is a nice-looking man in his late forties. Then comes a woman and says, “Excuse me,” and pushes past him, sliding her bottom across his lap as she scoots into the window seat. “Ohhh, so sorry,” she coos in a sexy voice. “Didn’t mean to brush up against sensitive parts.”

As a romance writer, always looking for a little motivation, my ears perk up. Then she pats him on his arm and says, “Good thing we know each other.”

I smile and think how sweet. Sweet gets a bit sexier as they whisper in each other’s ear, and I’m leaning forward to hear all the sexy tidbits. Hey, this is research. Unfortunately, sweet and sexy didn’t last too long. We ran into some really bad weather, and they started ordering scotch. I swear to you, they went from, “Do you know what I’m going to do you when we get to our hotel room,” (in a good way) to “You are such f&^king A-hole.” But the slurs weren’t the highlight.

Nope. The highlight came when she took the phone out of the seat in front of her and started beating her husband in the head with it. And what happened next was the real eye opener. The flight attendant came over and moved her to first class away from her man she’d just assaulted. I mean, I thought I already knew all the ways to get bumped to first class. I might try it next time the guy sitting next to me starts snoring.

Of course, like I said I shouldn’t be thinking negatively, so let me try to visualize a positive situation. Hmm, I know. I get past the metal detector without my boobs being wanded, I sit next to a woman (hey, I’m a married woman or it would be a hot male cover model) who is pleasant and then pulls out a novel titled, Weddings Can Be Murder and she starts to read. She’s enthralled, she’s giggling and sighing in all the right places. She loves it. Then she flips to the back to see the author’s picture and in total amazement she turns to me and says, “Oh my goodness, you look so much younger and thinner than your picture.” (Hey, this is my fantasy.) Of course, she gets me to sign it and promises to tell everyone she knows about this great author she met on the plane.

Okay…so that’s my flying fantasy…and that’s my blog. What about you guys? Any flying stories to tell? Come on, share a few. And remember, it might be later tonight before I get to the hotel room and am able to respond to your comments.

Crime Scene Christie



19 comments:

Jana DeLeon said...

Yep, that's definitely a fantasy, Christie. As someone who flew 120k miles in 14 months, I know the perils of travel of which you speak. And they are NOT pleasant.

Have a great time at conference...you and your molested boobs. :)

terrio said...

I think it would have been worth the price of the ticket to see that woman beat her husband with the phone. I've been lucky in flying though flying from Atlanta to San Fran tomorrow will be the first time I've ever flown cross country.

There was the time I flew into Canton, OH in a puddle jumper during a snowstorm. I've ridden city buses larger than that plane and I was very motion sick by the time we landed.

This time one of my roomies and I managed to accidentally (if you can believe that) book ourselves on the same flight. So I know I'll have at least one nice person beside me. Now to worry about the other side.

See you soon!

catslady said...

Hope you have a pleasant experience this time! Other than lost luggage in Paris (thank goodness my husband's and not mine), delayed flights, and the air sickness with sunburn - nothing unusual lol.

Gemma Halliday said...

OMG - I love it! She beat him with the phone??!! Lol!

My best flight experience was when I was traveling to give a talk at a library in Topeka. The older woman next to me on the plane said she was going to visit her daughter. We got to talking, and she got all excited that I was doing a talk at the library right near her daughter's house. She promised to come see me the following day... and she did! And she and her daughter both bought books!

~Gemma

Terri Molina said...

Ah, but Christie, you do look better in person! ;-)

My only horror story with flying was when I was 8 months pregnant with child 3 and had to fly from Alaska to Texas (because I was planning to have my daughter in Texas due to lack of medical care in Ak). We had a four hour layover in Washington. My son, who was 5 and my daughter who was 19 months were pretty wired and getting it out of their systems--much to the annoyance of the other people waiting. Man, you'd think they'd take pity on a blimp sized woman with two hyper children! We didn't even get help carting our luggage to the next terminal!
Anyway, my son made up for his wildness during the flight when he started singing The Banana Boat song (he'd been watching Beetlejuice none stop for days!)

Have a wonderful time at the signing!!

Tori Lennox said...

My flying fantasy? I have two words for you.

Private. Jet. *g*

Keri Ford said...

my last plane ride was to Dallas last year. The pilot literally looked over his shoulder to talk to us. Very small. Then we hovered over Dallas for about 45minutes because of all the rain. Remember the rain last year in Texas?? Another 10 minutes of waiting and we would have had to turn around. I was getting quite perturb to say the least.

Leigh Royals said...

My strangest flying tale, and those are limited for me, is when we went to Puerto Rico. Well, I was concerned that certain metals in my body in strategically located places would activate the sensors. beep beep beep beep. Ok. So I get a private wanding. Oh. The metal buttons on my overalls. No? beep beep beep. Near my hips/legs. Did I take everything out of my pocket that was metal? Yeah, mmhmm. beep beep. I'm getting nervous. They did tell me the jewelry was titanium. That should ring this thing...Check my pockets, ma'am?! Um. Just a tube of blistex. OY. that is made with flexible metal. thunk!

Christie Craig said...

Hey Jana,

Well, I'm in San Fran. No fantasies, not snoring men or fighting couples.

But yup, I know the perils of flying. And my boobs got through the metal detector without getting wanded.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...

Hi Terrio,

Can't wait to see you. I hope your flight is as low key as mine.

I've been a small plane, too. Those things scare me.

See ya soon.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...

Hi Catlady,
I arrived and all is well. I even got my luggage. But lost luggage is the pits. And hubands can do without luggage much better than we can.

Thanks for stopping in.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...

Hi Catlady,
I arrived and all is well. I even got my luggage. But lost luggage is the pits. And hubands can do without luggage much better than we can.

Thanks for stopping in.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...

Gemma,

I love those flights.

Can wait to see you in San Fran.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...

Terri,

Okay, that sounds like a bad trip.

You have my sympathies.

Thanks for posting. I will have a good signing. Will miss you.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...

Oh, Tori.

I love that fantasy!! I think I'm going to make that my own. Now who else is on that private jet?

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...

Keri,

Seriously, I hate those small planes. When I'm in the big plane I fool myself and pretend I'm not in the sky. But those small planes, you know you are up there and with little between you and the ground.

Wish you were here girl.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...

Leigh,

It's crazy what sets off those detectors. Sometimes my bra makes it go off, other times my necklace and then the same necklace makes it through.

Thanks for posting.

Crime Scene Christie

Christie Craig said...

Leigh,

It's crazy what sets off those detectors. Sometimes my bra makes it go off, other times my necklace and then the same necklace makes it through.

Thanks for posting.

Crime Scene Christie

Rene Moller said...

I was concerned that certain metals in my body in strategically located places would activate the sensors. beep beep beep beep. Ok. So I get a private wanding. Oh. The metal buttons on my overalls. No? beep beep beep. Near my hips/legs. Did I take everything out of my pocket that was metal? Yeah, mmhmm. beep beep. I'm getting nervous.