Monday, July 07, 2008

Adults Say The Darndest Things

For some reason, over the weekend, I starting remembering times when adults said funny things - or sometimes not funny things and I was mulling over how humor is very subjective and situational humor seems to be funnier than just telling jokes. Take these examples:

In high school, I had a friend whose dad had remarried to a MUCH younger woman. The woman got pregnant and my grandma heard about it at church. So I was at grandma's house and the conversation went something like this:

Grandma: Myrtle told me today at church that new wife of John Brown's is pregnant.
Me: Yep.
Grandma: What in the world is John Brown thinking, having another kid at his age? Why I was shocked when I heard it.
Me: So was John. He had a vasectomy years ago.

See - that's funny. Well, maybe not for John, but the expression on grandma's face was priceless.

Then take this one:

At one of my former jobs, I worked for fundamentalist christians - and huge hypocrites. These people most likely thought I was going to hell for having a tattoo and riding a motorcycle, but immediately after forwarding Bible versus to me, they'd ask me to do something like pirate software. Well, one day we were having staff lunch and the subject of the then newly released BROKEBACK MOUNTAIN came up. Of course, the Christians were appalled. So the secretary (who was from up north) decides she's going to try and be funny and says "You know John Wayne was gay too."

Uh, no. Not funny. This is Texas and even the Christians are pretty sure John Wayne is sitting at the right-hand side of God.

My comeback: "You know, saying John Wayne was gay is like saying Billy Graham isn't a Christian."

That's funny. Work at it people.

Then there's those times that are just priceless, like when I worked with this woman who was mega-petite, but nine months pregnant and alllllllllllll stomach. So a new girl started at work and we were standing in the breakroom talking and she asked pregnant girl when she was due. Pregnant girl stared at her with this dirty look and said "what are you talking about?"


Or if all of you want to try one, and can keep a straight face, use this one on someone today.

Fix your hair up different and as soon as someone says "Your hair looks really good today." Shoot back with "What was wrong with it yesterday?" Then watch them stutter.

Anyone else have a great one-liner or joke they like to play on people?

Deadly DeLeon


Terri Osburn said...

I'm usually the queen of the one-liner comeback. The only one I can think of right now was when some ditzy girl said something to a group of people of which I was one. Whatever she said, it was so out there it shocked people into silence after she walked away.

At which point I said, "Someone needs to blow in that girl's ear and give her a refill."

Last week in Stats class our Prof wsa talking about trick questions and said one time he was asked would he rather make love to a beautiful woman or work out a complicated equation.

Before I could stop myself I asked, "Aren't those the same thing?"

Anonymous said...

I can NEVER come up with a quick comeback on the spur of the moment. I dearly wish I had the knack.

Gemma Halliday said...

I can never come up with those quick comebacks, either. Of course, after the fact, all kinds of clever things come to me. But never on the spot. Probably why I'm a writer and not a stand-up comic.


Christie Craig said...



I always remember my grandma in Santa Monica when a street performer came up to her and held out his coin cup. When she didn't start searching for money, he rattled it at her.

She smiled. Looked into his cup and said, "That's so kind of you to offer, but I don't need any."

The crowd started laughing.

Crime Scene Christie

Keri Ford said...

Depending on my mood and the amount of caffinee intake, I can pretty well think on my toes.

Just last week Jennifer Jackson posted on her blog that she rejected a manuscript, author wrote back, attached the manuscript and asked Ms. Jackson to just read and let her (the author) know where she stopped.

A commenter suggested Ms. Jackson should have responded with, "I read to the end of your email."

Beth said...

Shortly after my youngest son was born, I was oohing and ahhing over him "You are the cutest baby. Aren't you? How'd you get so cute?"
DH said, "Just look at his father."
"You know his father?" I replied.
It's been a running joke ever since.

Jana DeLeon said...

LOL terrio - sounds like you suffer from the same disease I do. I rarely walk away thinking "I should have said that." No, I usually walk away thinking "I probably shouldn't have said that." But then, hell, you only live once, right? :)

Jana DeLeon said...

Tori - I truly think it's in the bones. Well, and the mouth. :)

Jana DeLeon said...

Gemma - I couldn't do standup either. I have witty comebacks, but they're situational. Writing a funny monologue is just not in my skill set. I wish it was though. I have the presentation skills, just not the content. :)

Jana DeLeon said...

LOL Christie!!!! I love your grandmother!

Jana DeLeon said...

OMG, Keri! That is too funny! And what are people thinking??????

News flash: An editor is not your CP. Get CP's!!!!! Do not look foolish in front of the person you're trying to impress.

The comeback was classic, though!

Jana DeLeon said...

ROFLMAO, Beth!!!!! You wicked, wicked woman. I am SO sharing that one with all my pregnant friends! Absolutely too funny.