Tuesday, September 25, 2012

Let's Talk Crap

Do you hear it?  The whispers?  It’s coming.  Whispers at Moonrise, my forth book in the Shadow Falls series releases next week.  That’s right next week!!!  And just as a teaser for the book, before I get to the real blog, here’s a video done by the amazing Rosa Brand.

And…I have some other wonderful news.  Today, my boxed set of three books goes on sale for $1.99.  Three books: Murder, Mayhem and Mama, Gotcha! and Weddings Can Be Murder.  All three for less than two bucks!  As an added bonus, you can read the first eight chapters of Born at Midnight, the first book in the Shadow Falls series.   And, if you’d like to read more, St. Martin’s has reduced the price of Born at Midnight in e-book to $2.99.

Now for the blog:

 Let’s Talk Crap

Just in case you didn’t get it from the title… Warning:  The following blog contains some G-rated potty humor. 

SAYING OF THE WEEK: (Chosen for its appropriateness) Shit Happens.

Okay…now that you’re onboard with our subject, let’s talk.  ‘Let’s get real.’  Does that line sound familiar?  If so, you’ve probably seen that commercial about toilet paper where a woman says, “It’s time to get real--to say what you really expect from your toilet paper.”  I always laugh at that commercial.  And like most things that get a giggle out of me, the reason I find it funny is because there is an element of truth in it. Truth that we normally don’t discuss.  Potty truth.  Taboo truth.  Anything that happens in the bathroom is basically taboo, unless you are a two or three year old, or as it commonly happens, a male who never outgrew that stage.  (Yes, unfortunately there are a lot of those.) Or, you’re a comedy writer who happens to write romance, who knows good material.  Plain and simple, potty humor is funny.  You don’t agree?  Well, tell me you didn’t laugh at the movie Bridesmaids!

 But let’s get back to toilet paper.  How many of you have gone into a restaurant bathroom and frowned when you went to grab a few squares and the paper is that thin, nonabsorbent stuff that just doesn’t get the job done?  My hubby (yes, one of those males who didn’t completely grow out of that stage) calls it John Wayne toilet paper.  Rough and tough and won’t take shit off anybody. 

Now, I’ll bet you guys are probably wondering what bought on this odd blog.  Well, two things.  The other day my granddaughter was over playing with Play Dough.    She was pressing the play dough through one of those shape making toys, and giggled.  “It looks like poo.”

She was right.  And it got a big laugh in the room.  And then my daughter, who had her smart phone in her hands, leaned in and said…, “You know, I’m a big Pinterest fan, right?  Well, you can find anything on Pinterest.  And the other day, I accidentally ran across some images of . . . poo.  Not just to show poo, but talking about what a healthy poo should look like.  And sort of giving you health tips according to your poo’s appearance.  As in, what a poo looks like if you don’t drink enough water sort of advice.  It was kind of gross, but kind of interesting.”

I was totally intrigued.  “So what does a healthy poo look like?” I asked.

She started to explain and I said, “Show me?” 

She rolled her eyes.  “I don’t know if could find it again.  I mean, I wasn’t going to pin it.  Because people
following me would know I pinned poo.”

We all laughed again.  And you know what I did, don’t you?  If you think I went and pinned poo, you are wrong.  What I did was ask my daughter, “Can I blog about this?” She gave me her blessing.

So, now on to other potty matters, the second thing that inspired this blog.   Months ago, my son came home from work looking like a kid at Christmas.  “I got you a present.”

He didn’t have his hands behind his back like he did when he was three, bringing me a dandelion flower he’d pulled from the weeds.  But he had the same look. 

“A gift?” I asked.

“Yes, but you’ll have to go to the bathroom to find it.” 

I was leery.  When he was younger I’d been lured in the bathroom to see what thought was longest turd ever.  But, trusting he’d outgrown that stage, I went into the bathroom and on the back of the toilet I found it.  POO-POURRI.  Yup, you heard that right.  Here’s what’s printed on the back:

There was a Young lad from Rhone
Who’s odor he’d rather disown
now he’s taming his poo
by anointing the loo
and now happily sits on his throne!

And, hey…I must confess it really works.  All you do is spray the toilet water before doing your business.  It works so well that they have since come out with little portable packages of this stuff in little dissolvable tabs that you carry in your purse and use in public bathrooms.  Hey…how many of you have been in the position that you either gave someone a courtesy flush or wished the person in the stall beside you would return the favor?  So I must say…this is really a brilliant idea.

I hope whoever invented it gets rich. 

 I like it so much that I have given it away as gifts.  Frankly, this is the perfect gift for someone who has everything, who has a sense of humor, and who would like the world to think their shit doesn’t stink.
And today, I’m going to be giving away a bottle of POO- POURRI to one lucky commenter along with a copy of Whispers at Moonrise.  So make sure you leave a comment.  And for those of you would like to double your chances, this blog is posted both here and at Laugh, Love, Read : 

So here are the questions of the day:

What kind of toilet paper do you use? And what qualities do you require in your toilet paper?

Would you pin poo?   

Here’s to a good laugh and hopefully to an entertaining blog that really isn’t crap. (Sorry, I had to go for one more pun!) Thanks and don’t forget to pick up a copy of Whispers at Moonrise.



Terri Osburn said...

You don't see blogs on this topic every day. ;) First off, Kiddo LOVED Whispers at Moonrise. And demands you write them faster. You'd think living with a writer she'd know that's not always possible.

My TP needs to basically be the anti-John Wayne, based on this blog. And no, I would not pin poo. I love Pinterest but am not hoping to come across the healthy poo images. :)

That Poo-Pouri sounds like the perfect gift for my mother. Where can I find that??

krisgils33 said...

Funniest blog ever. I'm a faithful Charmin unscented girl. Can't stand thin/rough TP. I have heard of the Poo-pourri, but have never used it. I'm thinking it would make a good gift for my book group as it's been decided we can't give book gift cards (dammit!!).

petite said...

Fantastic post. Loved the humor and the giveaway too. rather unique and special. TP has to be top quality.

traveler said...

Every post that you create is better than the last. Your humor, approach and writing makes it memorable and this one reaches the heights with the prize which is a riot. Charmin all the way and only the best.

catslady said...

lol I could use that for the men in my life - my husband and my daughter's boyfriend (the worst offender is now an ex of my other daughter). As to toilet paper - I learned my lesson on buying the inexpensive stuff - it melts in your hands if you know what I mean. It's probably good for the environment but a person can only go so far to save the world!!

Na said...

This is one of hte most unique topics I've read. When I think of public washrooms I tend to shudder and try to avoid, but sometiems nature calls and you can't. I wouldn't even know to look for a product like POO- POURRI. Now that I know they exist I'm likely to look for them in stores for interest sake.

I like Royale and Charmin but I'm not too picky about brand. As .long as it's thick and soft it's good enough for me. We tend to stock up so buying several packages of toilet paper will last out at least a couple of months :)

Reneec23 said...

I buy whatever is on sale, as far as toilet paper goes. And no, I would never ever ever pin poo. LOL! And now I'm off to Amazon or Google to find Poo-Pourri because I know a few people who would get a kick out of this as a Christmas present!

Quilt Lady said...

I would not pin poo!!! I am picky over my toilet paper and its Charmin extra soft all the way in the blue package. Yep you pay more but it worth every penny. Loved the blog post today and the gift is awesome, know just the person to give it to.

Jane said...

Congrats on the upcoming release. I love Cottonelle, but I buy whatever is on sale, usually Marcal.

Unknown said...

your blogs are as entertaining as your books.

TP Charmin (I am a TP snob) Don't mind paying extra for it. Because of it's thickness I think you actually use less, so maybe it's not more expensive

Pin Poo--hmmm, maybe if I'm really, really bored (bored- that would mean I'm out of things to read)

Poo-pouri I have to look this up, maybe will have to get it for work & hopefully people would use it

Unknown said...

charmin the basic because it works very well and cost less then the others. I have IBS so a soft toilet paper that cleans very well is a must. I also have on the back of the toilet those flush able wet wipes. Like I said I have IBS.

PIN POO! no, Thats okay. Look at it to see what a healthy poo looks like, yes. Just to check and make sure I don't need to call the doctor.

I love poo pouri!! I wonder how much do you need to pour in a port-a-potty