Thursday, April 14, 2011

Leather Pants

As a general rule, I won't repost ebay product descriptions on this blog. Particularly not for items that have already been auctioned off. But this post on ebay was brought to my attention by a friend some time back and I copied it because....well, when you read it you'll understand. Enjoy the saga of the Leather Pants:

You are bidding on a mistake.
We all make mistakes. We date the wrong people for too long. We chew gum with our mouths open. We say inappropriate things in front of grandma.
And we buy leather pants.
I can explain these pants and why they are in my possession. I bought them many, many years ago under the spell of a woman whom I believed to have taste. She suggested I try them on. I did. She said they looked good. I wanted to have a relationship of sorts with her. I’m stupid and prone to impulsive decisions. I bought the pants.
The relationship, probably for better, never materialized. The girl, whose name I can’t even recall, is a distant memory. I think she was short.
Ultimately the pants were placed in the closet where they have remained, unworn, for nearly a decade. I would like to emphasize that: Aside from trying these pants on, they have never, ever been worn. In public or private.
I have not worn these leather pants for the following reasons:
I am not a member of Queen.
I do not like motorcycles.
I am not Rod Stewart.
I am not French.
I do not cruise for transvestites in an expensive sports car.
These were not cheap leather pants. They are Donna Karan leather pants. They’re for men. Brave men, I would think. Perhaps tattooed, pierced men. In fact, I’ll go so far as to say you either have to be very tough, very gay, or very famous to wear these pants and get away with it.
Again, they’re men’s pants, but they’d probably look great on the right lady. Ladies can get away with leather pants much more often than men can. It’s a sad fact that men who own leather pants will have to come to terms with.
They are size 34x34. I am no longer size 34x34, so even were I to suddenly decide I was a famous gay biker I would not be able to wear these pants. These pants are destined for someone else. For reasons unknown - perhaps to keep my options open, in case I wanted to become a pirate - I have shuffled these unworn pants from house to house, closet to closet. Alas, it is now time to part ways so that I may use the extra room for any rhinestone-studded jeans I may purchase in the future.
These pants are in excellent condition. They were never taken on pirate expeditions. They weren’t worn onstage. They didn’t straddle a Harley, or a guy named Harley. They just hung there, sad and ignored, for a few presidencies.
Someone, somewhere, will look great in these pants. I’m hoping that someone is you, or that you can be suckered into buying them by a girl you’re trying to bed.
Please buy these leather pants.

I sort of wish I had bid on them just so I could find a tattooed, pierced man (or Rod Stewart) to give them to.

--Kyra "Fashionista" Davis


krisgils33 said...

that's really funny. i have never had the desire to own leather pants. but i do hope they found a good home.

Suzan Harden said...

LOL Thanks, Kyra. Now I've got the episode of Friends where Ross had issues with a pair of leather pants running through my head.

Terri Osburn said...

It was halfway through the description before I realized this was a man talking and not a woman. LOL! That was DEFINITELY worth keeping. And I'm sure some pirate was very happy to have these pants.

Hellie Sinclair said...

OMG, that's hilarious. I want to know how much the pants went for. The story alone is worth a good amount of money!

kyradavis said...

@ Ms Hellion, EXACTLY! If nothing else he should have made money from the entertainment value of the post!

debbie said...

I too didnt realize it was a man posting until half way through. quite a description, the story of the pants is worth the embrassement of owning them! I hope they found a good home, maybe with a gay pirate?!

Diane Kelly said...

Too funny! The things we do for love. Or lust in his case. I still have a secondhand blue jean jacket my boyfriend gave me when I was a freshman in college. (If you're out there, David Schloz, I still got it!) The jacket reminds me of fun times before I had a zillion responsibilities, so I just can't bring myself to ditch the thing.

Anonymous said...

LOLOLOL! That was hilarious. Thanks for the laugh!

kyradavis said...

@Diane-I know what you mean, sentimental clothing is always good to hold onto. But this guy can't even remember this girl's name so I'm thinking he made the right decision by ditching the pants ;-)

Brandy said...

OMgosh, that cracked me up! I'm glad you kept the description and shared it with us. Thank you!

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