There's nothing better than a contest to kick off the new year! Here at Killer Fiction we'd like to thank all our readers for a fabulous 2010 and kick off 2011 in fine fashion. And what better way to kick off the new year than with free stuff? All the rules for the contest are on the sidebar, so read up and make sure you're entered to win great prizes.
IMPORTANT NOTE: All contest winners will be drawn the weekend following the end of the contest. So, if you didn't hear about the contest right away, don't despair - you can still go back to previous blog posts and enter.
I'll be giving away a $25 Barnes and Noble certificate to one lucky poster at the end of the contest period!
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Monday was my first day as an 'empty nester'. For those of you new to the blog, I'm the mother of college-aged triplets. Up to this point, I've been an incremental empty nester. When the triplets graduated from high school, only Triplet Number One of them moved away to college. The other two opted to attend a community college. That left me two at home. Triplet Number Two transferred to a four-year college after the first year. That left me with Triplet Number Three at home. After her second year of college, the third and final chicky worked for a term and this past weekend she flew the coop. And now, for the first time, I'm experiencing what many parents commonly refer to as empty nest syndrome.
Since this was also my first time on my own for--oh--twenty four years or so, I was really looking forward to it. I could get up as early as I wanted and make as much noise as I liked. I could get my house ultra organized. I could write at all hours without bothering anybody. I could eat food that was bad for me and nobody would know.
But Sunday night when all the kids were gone, reality jumped up and bit me on the arse. As it has a habit of doing.
The house was quiet. Eerily quiet. I' found myself starting to make a comment or ask a question only to realize I was home alone. I roamed from room to room. Ate some cookie dough. Put in a DVD. Read for awhile. Surely it was time for bed. I looked at the clock. It was seven-thirty.
When bedtime mercifully arrived, I told myself the next day I'd really appreciate the 'me' time.
And so Monday rolled around. And my internet/email wouldn't work. I spent 45 minutes on hold waiting to speak with an ISP tech, another 45 minutes trying to figure out what the tech wanted me to do, was a miserable failure, and ultimately gave up. I did laundry, dishes, cleaning, and before bedtime I shoveled snow. I so know how to pamper myself, huh?
Then Tuesday, my second day as an empty nester, dawned bringing with it anoother crap load of snow. I went out three separate times to shovel and spent a total of five hours digging out-- after which I consumed more cookie dough.
Wednesday I worked a ten-plus hour shift with a lovely, snowy commute followed by some head-banging to try to figure out what to blog about during contest week. As you can see, I got nuthin'.
However, through trial and error I have come up with a few tips for empty nesters to-be that may help them get through those first tough days:
- Do NOT decide to give up your DISH satellite on the eve of 'Empty Nest' Day because now you might actually have time to watch it.
- Do NOT switch to high-speed internet access on the eve of 'Empty Nest' Day or you will be without internet for an undetermined period of time and you'll want to open a vein. Or two.
- Do NOT consider yourself weird or unnatural if you find yourself talking to yourself--and rather enjoying the conversation.
- Do NOT go through family albums, walk into empty bedrooms, or leave the outdoor light on 'just in case'.
- Stock up on cookie dough, Double Stuf Oreos, and a various assortment of chocolate.
- Have your cell phone with you at all times, even in the loo.
- Whenever you get 'emo', make yourself jump on the exercise bike or the treadmill.
- Keep a box of Kleenex tissues handy.
- And DO, remember that it was your job to raise responsible, independent, contributing adults.
Do share!
~Bullet Hole Bacus~
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96 comments:
You are enjoying something I guess I never got to appreciate. I had one daughter at the age of 19 and was forced to put her up for adoption as my health wasn't good. As a result I never experienced the joy of raising a child nor suffer the pangs of loneliness when the child finally leaves to spread their wings and develope independence. I will say, I felt that empty nest thing immediately and spend every day wondering how that beautiful baby girl is, where is she now? I don't know. All I can do is pray she was placed with loving wonderful parents, that she grew up happy, healthy and strong. She will be 32 years old this coming March.
Thanks for sharing your empty nest tips and angst. I truly enjoyed it. And Kudo's to you for raising triplets, no easy feat in itself.
I remember when my only child left home to join the Marines. It's hard but you learn to accept it and find new activities to fill your time. Enjoy your "me" time.
I feel your pain. Fear not if they are anything like my kids were they will be back. My advice... Turn thier bedroom into a library.
I have not been there, myself, but I know from friends and relatives that it can be difficult. I send good thoughts, and lots of cookie dough! :)
It's hard at first,especially the quiet, but then you get very used to doing what you want when you want. If you feel like wafffles for supper - you can indulge guilt free. Who's gonna know you didn't serve 2 veggies? I'm not squealing on you. Enjoy!
My eldest went to college in Chicago (we live in South Florida) but came back to the local community college after a year (school was too hard). She is finishing at a university about 45 min. away so is able to "come home" more often. I've had to "rescue" her numerous times - from the psych ward to keys locked in the car so a cell phone and internet are our lifeline.
thank you for the insight into that strange world. i've often wondered what that will be like (i'm not even close to getting there!). now, i know the grass may not be quite as green on that side!!
Thanks for the great post. My kids haven't left home yet. I am not looking forward it either. But luckly I have about 8 years before my younest is old enough to move out of the house.
Hugs to you. I have an empty nest every summer, and it's weird everytime. I go through the initial adjustment of getting used to not having her around. Then I settle in and start to really miss her like crazy. By the time I think I can cope, she comes home and I wonder what I did with all my freetime that is now gone.
Since she won't be leaving for good for at least another seven years, I look at these as trial runs. It gets a tiny bit better each year.
For two years I home schooled my ballerina and drove 3 hours round-trip to her ballet school so she could dance 40 hours a week. It was a real sacrifice for my two other children and husband but they were great about it.
A year ago this month, just after her 14th birthday, Twinkle Toes moved away from home so she could go back to "real school" and still dance. She lives with a lovely host mother and we get her back Saturday nights only to have to return her Sunday night.
I went from 8 hours a day of Twinkle Toes to her being home less than 24 hours--most of which is spent sleeping.
I went through withdrawal. I thought I'd double my productivity but couldn't write a thing. I don't know if it was the lack of my favorite Starbucks, or the lack of Twinkle Toes. In any case I missed her like someone might miss an appendage.
On our way home from dropping her off a few weeks ago, I was talking to my husband and said "You know, she's never coming back home for good, right? He just nodded. She is doing amazingly well, we're so proud of her, and yes, it does get easier. Still I miss her every day.
awww...{{hugs}}.
So many parents count the days when their kids move out but I don't think they really think it through. Thank you for the insight and list of 'dos'. I'll be sure to stock the Oreos (not that I need a reason to stock them) when the time comes. ;-)
I haven't got there yet; both mine aged 28 and 26 are still at home paying off university and college loans. I'm told when they are financially stable then they will leave the nest!
A major life change I experienced recently was the loss of an aunt. The way I dealt with it was to be supportive of her children and not focus on my own grief.
Irene sent me! Am checking out the blog now. I'm sure I will love it. It comes highly recommended!
Maria
I don't have kids so I've never experienced that. I do remember the first time I moved out of my parents home. I was happy (freedom) but I still cried a little later when I realized it was just me. If I had taken my cat it probably would have helped, but it was a no pet apt.
That was the last no pet apt. I ever took and was only there for about 6 months.
My parents talk about enjoying it, but they can't wait for one of us to visit. Probably because none of us live locally.
Great advise for empty nesters. I think one of the hardest adjustments for me was living in the dorm during college. No privacy and lots of strangers made life interesting.
I have yet to feel "the empty nest" syndrome, but know that when I am home alone, I grapple with the talking to myself, wandering around looking for people, etc. Wish I had some wisdom to dispense, but know that your life will get easier to manipulate alone.
joannereynolds@sbcglobal.net
Your life changes dramatically and you just have to adapt to this new stage.It is lonely and difficult at first but then you enjoy the newfound freedom and after awhile adjust. Try to be as active as possible and realize that they will return to visit and you have that to enjoy.
Kathy,
Love the post, girl. I sent one kid off several years back, cried, learned to accept that I'd done my job. Then it came time for the other kid to leave the nest. Dealt the with the complete empty nest syndrome, rebelled, cried, finally recovered and realized I could get used to it, and then he moved back home. Now I'm crying and trying to recovery from his return. I had plans for his room!
He's still young, still trying to find himself, so it's okay, but I think next time, I'll step into the empty nest thing a lot easier. LOL.
Good luck.
CC
My son has been in college two years now and that first semester was the worse. He didn't want you to call him, just contact by email, he is still that way. It doesn't matter what you tell yourself you will always miss them even after two years. My son's bedroom is still the same for when he comes home for holidays and weekends and summer months. I just deal with it the best I can.
I think that mothers have the hardest job in the world. Raise their children to be productive individuals and then they leave which is what should happen. But is it ever hard to take. I just carry on and try to live my life with as much fun, and enjoyment as possible. It does get easier. Such is life.
I haven't experienced it yet but I know it will be a big adjustment for me. Thanks for the advice.
Go out for coffee with friends if you've had the time to make any.
I know it's hard but over time things come along that you can do to fill up the time and will be able to say "that's not so bad with the kids gone". They will be coming back for visits.
I had my son when I was 20 and never really had any me time. When he sprouted his wings and moved out of his chidhood home it was emotional. But it was wonderful to see him suceced on his own and I finally had time to stretch my wings. Revel in the excellant job you did on your triplets and expand your own horizons.
So what y'all are saying is it's wrong for me to have enjoyed the last six weeks with GK in Ohio with his grandparents? *grin*
When my daughter left for college I thought she would move back home when she finished. She moved to an apartment with a friend. I missed her terribly.
Sorry, I'm unable to help you, my husband and I were never blessed with children but we do have spoiled pets. Enjoy your new "me" time!
I was never blessed with children, so I can not relate. All I can say is hope you enjoy your "me" time.
I turned to reading more and getting on the computer more. I had my oldest daughter for one year at a local college and then she was away full time and moved 6 hrs. away but thank my lucky stars, after coming back home for 3 months and getting married, they moved back to our area. My youngest was here for two years of local college and moved out full time but graduates this year. She has had a steady boyfriend so I am assuming she won't be coming home. I did start doing Sunday dinners for whoever can attend and really look forward to having everyone home if only for a while.
Your comments really resonate with me because my eldest son just graduated from college and will be off to the Army in a couple of months. I still have one at home, but I tend to break out in a cold sweat if I think about it to much. My mom said, "trust me, you'll come to enjoy it!"
Cynthia.Richardson@azbar.org
I have a couple of years before my oldest leaves home (Maybe.). And another seven years after that for her brother to reach the same age. I dread the time sure to come when they don't live here anymore.
As for recent changes? Had a few! *g* My biological dad contacted me after 30 years and had been searching for me for almost ten of those. Also, my Daughter had her first boy call her. Yikes! Good thing she's so good at karate or we'd be freaking out thinking about her possible dating in another year!
Enjoy! Eat chocolate, drink wine, and in 8 more years, I'll be there with you!
I don't have kids (only a 4 legged one) but wanted to cry for you. Hey, I'm Latin.
Hope each day gets easier.
Our little ones aren't old enough to leave the nest quite yet. So I can't give you any tips to help in that regard.
But as one who's left the nest, I can tell you not to worry. We do come back. We need do laundry, eat your food, and stuff that we can only do for free at your house.
It will get better. Eventually you'll get grand babies to love and spoil rotten before handing them back to their parents to deal with. Hang in there.
I don't have kids so can't appreciate the lonelness. In fact I'm a little the opposite with my partner. Love it if he happens to go away for a weekend.
Time to relax do what I want etc. He always comes home too quick lol
Both of mine are graduating this year, but I am unconcerned about becoming an empty nestor. My mother moved in over a year ago, so when the kids move out, she will still be here. Then one day I can move back in with my kids/grandkids :o) Is that love or revenge?
I gave up my DISH, but we have a 4 yr old, she was repeating commercials so I cut it off. More time for BOOKS :)
No advice from me, I'm afraid since I've never had kids.
I bet you do feel lost. I cannot imagine triplets!! I only had two children that I have raised, and I help with my grandchildren, since my children and there mates work. My husband retired last year so I have not been alone very much in my life. My children tell me this keeps me young:)
Get a webcam and download skype so you can talk to your kids on the computer rather than phone long distance.
I have three that have moved out of the nest. One is a 6 hour drive away, one is in England and the other lives about 20 minutes away. I actually hear more from the one in England who just got married.
That all sounds like great advise!
Thankfully I have a ways to go before my kids leave home. Thanks for the tips.
Hopefully you'll be enjoying the empty nest in no time.
I do agree with you about the quietness. I don't have kids, but after being with my family all day, I'm so grateful for the nothingness that surrounds me once I come back home. I like being able to have the thermostat on whatever temp I want and get up/go to bed on my schedule.
The only moderate drawback is that I do tend to talk to myself, but as long as I don't answer then I'm okay.
joderjo402 AT gmail DOT com
I can't say I feel your pain, Kathy, because my major life-changing event had me going in an opposite direction from your empty nest. After 20 years of living alone and doing what I wanted, when I wanted, I up and got married. He's a great guy, but we are both experiencing a lot of growing pains. It has been difficult getting used to asking for an opinion on what to fix for supper when you really want just a PB&J or someone else taking control of the remote, but we are slowly getting used to having another half. Plus the perks of marriage are VERY nice!
Its quite the change. When I ended up alone for the first time in years. First I slept a lot. Then I decided to play some online games. MSN has some pretty addictive ones. Then I watched a lot of movies and read a lot of books. Eventually I got used to it and it became normal to not have someone else around all the time. Until that point though I filled every minute.
I have 4 children and all of them have come back to live with me at some time or other. My oldest daughter moved back last summer and lived with us while looking for a house to buy. Took six months.
Really never had an empty nest for long. But I loved it as long as it lasted.
I can't imagine how an empty nester would feel. Things have been the same here with no new changes.
Rose,
Your story is touching. I can't even begin to think how difficult your choice to give up your child for adoption was and the amount of courage it took to do so. I can only say that you truly demonstrated a mother's love and, like you, I pray your daughter had a nurturing, loving home and is passing that on to her children.
Hugs,
Kathy
rrshe: I do have a long list of 'to-dos' that have been patiently waiting for me to get to them so I won't be idle. And I hope to find some time for fun activities, as well.
nedma1: I've already co-opted one of the rooms as an office but I have the feeling you're right and I'll have to relinguish it at some point down the road.
Thanks, Cricket! Chocolate chip, I hope!! ;)
Kaye: I think the quiet is what is the worst part. I know I'll eventually get used to it, but it's gonna take a while. The upside is I should have more solitary time to devote to writing.
Susan P.: My daughter who just transferred to a four-year college is trying it out, as well. We'll see how it goes. At least her brother is there, as well, to provide prompt 'rescue' services.
mine are still at home but I am not looking forward to them leaving. I will remember your tips for when they do. Thanks
krisgils33: Definitely a case of 'Be Careful What You Wish For' for sure...
Rebekah E: Trust me. Those eight years will fly by.
Terri: It's good to know that--over time--you learn to deal with the new reality--and hopefully thrive. Hang in there!
Oh my gosh, I don't know if I could do what you're doing, Robin. What an amazing story! It would so be like missing a part of your body and you'd feel that loss every day. I know your daughter appreciates the sacrifice and will do great things with the gift of dance you and your family have given her.
Terri M: I never really counted the days, but I admit I sometimes told myself, 'I can't wait until I get my house to myself!' Yeah. It's not what it's cracked up to be.
Diane: I suspect I'll have one or two 'drop-ins' post college graduation, too.
Margay: That sounds like a great way to honor your aunt and work through your own grief.
Welcome to Killer Fiction, Maria! And thanks to Irene for giving her directions!
Anne: You're not alone in your appreciation of a pet. If I didn't work such long hours, I'd be looking for a puppy. I'm very allergic to cats. Thanks for dropping by Killer Fiction!
Crystal GB: Dorm life. Ugh. One daughter lived in a dorm one year and after that lived in a house on campus. The other two chose apartment life. They love having a bedroom to themselves and only have to share a bathroom with one other person.
Joanne: Thanks for the good wishes and for dropping by Killer Fiction.
Petite: Lots of good advice there! And you're right. Things change but that doesn't mean for the worse.
Christie: Yeah. It's been easier dealing with the incremental exodus of the hatchlings than a mass exodus, that's for sure. ;)
Virginia: I'm fortunate that all the triplets like to gab on the phone and come home as much as possible. We also Skype, instant message, and email.
Traveler: Motherhood is definitely NOT for wimps!
Judy T: Thanks for stopping by Killer Fiction.
Robyn L: Fortunately, I have fabulous friends--some of who have been through this before--to hang with.
Mo: You're right. I've done my job. I can sit back and enjoy the wonderful individuals they've become.
LOL, Suzan. And no. Trust me. I very much enjoyed the weekends the kids spent with their dad and granparents. But I always knew when they were coming back home!
Hugs, Ingeborg!
Thanks for stopping by Killer Fiction, Danielle and Jean!
Catslady: I love the Sunday dinner idea!
Hofken: I hope your mum is right about growing to enjoy the alone time. And thank you for your son's upcoming service to our nation.
Luckily, empty nest syndrome is about a decade away for me. After having the two of them home all summer long, just their going back to school can be a difficult adjustment for me.
This year though, I am homeschooling one of them and wishing he was going to school! Time to myself sounds very lovely right about now.
awwwwww....I hope it gets better for you. I haven't been in that situation, but I would imagine it's a bit tough. I don't think that bond you have with your children will be broken...it just expands across miles now instead of feet.
Brandy: WOW! I'd say that you've had some pretty incredible changes lately. That had to blow you away when your biological father contacted you. And it sounds as if you've prepared your daughter well for dating.
Thanks Les and Yvonne!
Refhater: Ah. Love how you put in all in perspective.
emmad: We all need a little 'me' time and are the better for it.
All: It's a vicious cycle, isn't it?
mommyreview.com: More time for books! You're my kind of blog poster!
Judy: Keeps you young? Yay! A fringe benefit.
Susanann: We totally do the Skype thing. It's awesome.
Thanks, Chey!
Kathy - you just need to find a routine and you'll be blasting right along. I mean, well, as soon as everything's working again. :)
Thanks, Lauren!
Joder: There are perks to being on your own, that's for sure.
Kima: Thanks! I guess I never thought about it in reverse. It would be as hard to adjust to having someone share digs after you've been your own boss for an extended period of time.
when the last one left-I sat on the floor in his bedroom and cried-my mothering days were over. But they are all wonderful young men, that visit often!
tiramisu392 (at) yahoo.com
My son lived with me longer than most, but when he got married and decided to not only move out, but move out of the state, it was a little hard to get used to. I adopted another cat, got involved in an animal rescue organization, went to dinner with friends - I learned to get out and enjoy myself. Then I moved across the country to live near him and his wife, and about a year later he moved to another state again. Three years later, divorced and with a fiance, he's returned and they are living with me. I'm starting to think fondly of that empty nest, LOL.
Donna S: I think you're right. The key is to keep busy and do things you never had the opportunity to do before.
Estella: If I were a betting person, I'd say my experience would be a lot like yours.
Jane: Thanks for stopping by Killer Fiction!
Hi Sonya! Thanks for stopping by Killer Fiction!
Thanks, Oregon Sunshine! I was where you are not all that long ago. In fact, it seems like yesterday!
Thanks, Kammie! Glad you stopped by Killer Fiction!
And on the list of everything working again I'd have to include my brain, Jana. Seems like it's been hard to concentrate lately.
You did your job, Bison 61! Now enjoy the rewards!
Wow, Barbara E. Just goes to show, we better enjoy the solitude while it lasts.
Thanks for sharing!
I just tried to keep as busy as possible. I had a job to go to so that helped and surfing the internet helped too
I'm sorry. It will get better though. My oldest just moved from NY to Florida and it's been really hard for me. She's 24 and never lived more than 15 minutes from me.
Spend a lot of time catching up on your reading and writing.
I won't be of much help in this area. I'm at the other end of the spectrum where we're expecting our first child in the summer. So it will be a big change, and I expect things to be different, but won't know exactly all the changes until I experience it.
I lost my brother to cancer recently after a year long fight. An event like this marks you deeply and makes you re-evaluate your own life.
You're on the right track. It'll get better in about a year. Keep yourself sane until then and the silent house will become a pleasant sanctuary.
Kathy, sounds like you need a cat. They are great conversationalists (I have conversations with mine all the time), and good snugglers too! They also never judge you if you eat cookie dough or gorge on chocolate, as long as you let them eat the crumbs you drop on their heads when they're sitting in your lap :)
I am not a mother, so I can only imagine how tough it is to be an empty nester. I would think like most every other difficult thing in life, it will get better with each passing day. After all, a family is not defined by where they live, but by the love they have for one another. Where it really matters in your heart, your family is with you every moment.
I cav relate as I currently have 3 sons attending UF. It took a little while to get used to the freedom of not having to feed 3 hungry growing boys! I wish you well as you adjust to this huge change!
We have two kids in college, one lives away and one lives at home and I do miss hime when he's gone. I know that it won't be long before they're gone so I am already thinking about what I will do when that happens.
I have a 4 year old and 7 year old so it will be awhile before I am an empty nester. A friend of mine has though and she made sure to do some of the things you listed. She also rented some comedies to cheer herself up and she and her husband booked a cruise. She likened the changes sort of to a grieving process and that it takes time through it.
Awe! This was heartbreaking. I have two sets of kids (two older and two babies) from separate marriages. So I sort of understand what you're going through on one hand.
Yet I have the two newbies to keep my mind and heart full.
Thinking of you and know that you'll find your new groove soon.
--JC Waldo
castlewaldo@gmail.com
Hey, over here!
I know empty nest day will be here before I know it. My kids are 13-9-4.5 but it seems like yesterday that I brought the first one home. I know the next few years will go by at warp speed and then he'll be gone.
All I can imagine doing is eating out with friends...a lot...to try and fill some of the hours and the quiet when they go.
Thinking of you!
coolestmommy2000 at gmail dot com
I know empty nest day will be here before I know it. My kids are 13-9-4.5 but it seems like yesterday that I brought the first one home. I know the next few years will go by at warp speed and then he'll be gone.
All I can imagine doing is eating out with friends...a lot...to try and fill some of the hours and the quiet when they go.
Thinking of you!
coolestmommy2000 at gmail dot com
I don't have children so I won't experience the Empty Nest thing, but I must say a major life change for me is cancer. Since it's new and fresh, I'm not sure how I'm handling the new reality
All life is change. Some are just bigger changes. Find new things to do. Be thankful for what you have.
Thanks for the contest.
I've never had children, but my Husband is retired, and home all the time. When he is going to be gone for a while, it gives me a chance to work on my knitting, or get things done that normally I would have been distracted by him if I got started on. I would suggest that you take up a hobby like knitting where you would meet some wonderful people or think of some big projects you'd like to do that would take your mind off of your lonliness. Music in the background boosts your mood as well.
Interesting question - There was no instant access to home when I left the nest. A call home to 'talk' was significant as Long Distance was expensive. Today we have unlimited calling plans and everyone assumes instant access. So when my kids went off to school, they had the luxury of immediate contact via phone or web.
We entered a new phase of life where the parents gained time to refocus on each other. Regardless what I found to immerse myself in, life went on. With unemployment issues we have a grown child back home while searching for jobs.
Fabulous post. As the mother of twin boys it all sounded so familiar! Currently twin #1 is still living at home, twin #2 just moved out in December. And boy do I have plans for that spare room, lol.
My hubby and I are hoping to have a life change this year as we are trying to have a baby and have been for awhile. So, maybe one day I will get to be an empty nester and get you use the tips you gave.
I would like to Thank the poster Rose who did the Loving and Unselfish thing of giving her wonderful daughter up for adoption. I admire you for doing what was right for your daughter and yourself. I am sure your daughter was placed with a wonderful parents who wanted a child to make their family complete and that she is well cared for and loved! I hope someday she and you can be reunited so she can meet her Loving and Unselfish Mother who loved her enough to do what was best for her! Take Care, Janean
I don't have any children but when my nieces and nephew are not here, it just get very quiet. They usually stay here alot. This week has been a quiet one and I've been able to catch up on reading and watching tv.
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