Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Not For The Timid...What We REALLY Want For Mother's Day.

Ah, the rotten smelling Corpse Plant...rarely given on Mother's Day



Okay, so it's been an insanely rough couple of weeks. And now I find out I'll be teaching canoeing to girl scouts for TEN HOURS on Saturday. And what comes after Saturday? Well, duh, Sunday. Not just any Sunday, but Mother's Day.

Ah, the big MD. A day where I have to get up early, dress up and run like a madwoman to please all the mothers in my life, go broke getting presents, drag tired and cranky kids to places of torture called "museums" and "brunches" and return home exhausted to a hovel that seems to have been sacked by filthy Visigoths.

So I've decided that we are going to play a little game called "My Fantasy Mother's Day!" For this game, you and I will come up with what we REALLY want to do on that special day. No saying the "right" or PC thing. I want to know what how you, my evil minions, truly want to celebrate that day.

And the winner gets a signed copy of I SHOT YOU BABE (as soon as I get my author's copies, that is).

What does it take to win, you may ask? Two things in your answer: 1) Creativity and 2) Guts.

I'll even start you off. Ahem.

My PERFECT Mother's Day is all about me. First, I would sleep in. And I don't mean until 9 or 10. I'm talking P.M. Breakfast would consist of Lucky Charms, little chocolate donuts and mimosas (the orange juice evens the whole thing out - of course). Super Nanny and a legion of obsessive/compulsive maids would arrive around 2 or 3. They would insist on cleaning the house (even getting those weird, unexplained stains off the walls), the kids and pets.



At this point, since Mr. A is now government property, sigh, Stephen Colbert and Alec Baldwin would step in to take me to see a double-feature of "Wolverine - Origins" and "Star Trek." They would have bought out the entire theatre for my viewing pleasure and it would be all the Milk Duds I could eat.



After the movies, Stevie and Al would drop me off at my newly cleaned house, where my children would have boquets of lilacs strewn throughout the house. Their gifts to me would be the invention of clear cat food (have I mentioned my seething hatred of cat vomit?), and sessions of liposuction until they get it right. I would fall into my freshly cleaned sheets with a good book, and just before falling asleep would recieve a text from my boss telling me to take Monday off with full pay.



What? It is SO totally doable!



Your turn,


The Assassin

16 comments:

Kim said...

It would definitely involve no one saying "What's for dinner? or Where's my....?"

And it wouldn't involve any other mothers either. Just me. and maybe a spa tha can work miracles.

Leslie Langtry said...

Kim! It's YOUR fantasy so the spa WILL work miracles!

Gemma Halliday said...

An unlimited giftcard to DSW, followed by a pedicure, a glass of super expensive wine and a Johnny Depp movie.

~Gemma

Kristi said...

My perfect mothers day would be a hotel room with room service(no kids or pets), a pile of books and coming home the next day to a house that was clean, no laundry and meals made for the entire week.

I get ripped off every year because my birthday is so close to mothers day. This year it's the day before. So I end up with only one celebration.

Leslie Langtry said...

Gemma, can I come with you?
Kristi, I see no reason why you shouldn't get a two-day vacation then. Love the idea of a hotel room. There's no temptation (ugh) to unload the dishwasher, change the guinea pig cages, etc.

red said...

My perfect day would be a spotless house, nothing left in all those storage boxes or the corners, and the bills paid by someone other than me.A large buttery popcorn, a stack of books, and my husband waiting for me in the bedroom.I would have the time to do whatever I want.
Love my children, but I would love to have a day to spend on my wants without worrying about the kids.

LuAnn said...

My perfect Mother's Day would start out with waking up to find a crew of construction workers in my house. (Yes, you did read that right! We have been working on this darn remodeling for ages and work gets done as time and money permit.)
As the hammering, sawing, etc., progresses, I am lounging in bed, reading my book, until hubby gets his rear in gear and takes me for a leisurely buffet breakfast and I eat and eat and eat and never get full so I can enjoy all the wonderful food. Then, I get to go shopping for all new clothes and lo and behold, there was something in that buffet that caused a massive weight loss and I'm at my ideal size -- so, of course, I need all those new clothes!
Back home, the construction work continues and we arrive just in time to see they have finished my wall to wall bookshelves! Yay!
I go back to bed to read more of my book until it's time for dinner. In the meantime, my children and grandchildren have all gathered around to worship the ground I walk on (tee-hee). After a nice, calm visit, they go on their merry way and I head for a long soak in a bubble bath.
It's off to dinner at my favorite restaurant where all the waiters and waitresses go out of their way to make sure I'm satisfied. Gifts galore begin arriving at our table from friends and family ... except from my husband, who will give me his gift later.
We've finished eating and we take the scenic route home and arrive just in time to see those construction guys packing up because (hurray) my house has been completely transformed into exactly the way I've always pictured it was going to look once the darn remodeling is done!
"A quick shower, gifts from hubby and a roll in the hay. What a perfect way to end a wonderful day."

Now, do you want to know what's really going to happen?
We will be getting up at 6 a.m. and hitting the road. We are going to travel 100 miles to cook brunch for all the folks staying at the Ronald McDonald House. It will be a special day we are giving to the mothers and families who are away from home because their children are in the hospital. Each mother will get a flower to remind her that no matter how bad things seem at the moment, she is still appreciated and loved.

Leslie Langtry said...

LuAnn, what an amazing way to spend Mother's Day! And the fantasy is great too.

Refhater said...

Happy Mother's day to you Leslie and all of the moms here on K.F.

Since I'm not a mom yet, I would have to go with a "My Fantasy Day!"

I'd start the day by not getting up at O Dark thirty because I would be holding the winning mega millions lotto ticket and never need to work again for the rest of my life. After a leisurly brunch prepared by Bobby Flay, I would head out on a shopping spree and a trip to the spa. Buying any and everyhing I wanted just because I could.

Then I'd buy the NHL and fire all of the referee's and officials and hire all new non corrupt ones. Are any of the Bombay's available to "deal" with the NHL commisioner? Hey, it's my fantasy and I can kill if I want to; Kill if I want to; You would kill too if he screwed with your team too! (Sorry that's a bit drastic, but my favorite team lost at 1:30 AM beacuse the ref made an asinine call.)

After wrecking havoc on the sporting world, I'd head back home and enjoy the evening with my family. Enjoying whatever I wanted for dinner because on my fantasy day there would be no Celiac Disease or food allergies.

jenifer said...

I don't have kids, and that's not for lack of trying. Because of that, Mother's Day is not my favorite holiday. Most of the time I'm perfectly at peace with the way things worked out, but my perfect Mother's Day would involve some adults-only fun with my husband. And not just that kind either.

First, I'd call my mom and wish her a wonderful day. She deserves it. She birthed and raised me and my brothers after all!

Next, we'd hop on a private, luxurious, super-high-speed jet for a quick trip to Key West. We'd head out to a fully-stocked sailboat that we have all to ourselves (with a very discreet captain, since we don't want to be bothered with the work of sailing). We'd do some snorkeling wherever the conditions are perfect for seeing amazing sea creatures, and we'd spend the day eating delicious food, sunning ourselves, drinking fruity, frozen drinks (because it's 85 degrees out and sunny), and doing whatever else our hearts desired.

We'd enjoy the sunset from the boat as we approach the harbor, then head to Schooner's Wharf for a fantastic dinner (including Key Lime Pie), more fruity, frozen drinks (because the temperature has only fallen to 80 even though it's dark), and music all night by Michael McCloud. When we were too sleepy and sated to keep our eyes open, our pilot would whisk us back home for a refreshing night's sleep so that on Monday we could start the week off completely refreshed and happy.

Brandy said...

My ideal (re. Fantasy) Mother's Day would have my day starting with Breakfast in Bed (I've never had that.), with gifts following. My gifts would include a gift card to the bookstore, my husband volunteering to paint and the kids showering me with phrases like "Wow Mommy you are so smart" and "I'm sorry I've been such a grumpy teenager". AND they'd clean the house for me. *G* Later that evening there would be a lovely dinner cooked by (And cleaned up by) the Hubs and children and then a leisurely evening reading and relaxing for me while the laundry is magically done, the cat litter is scooped, baths are given (and taken) and there is blessed SILENCE. And then we all troop off to bed where there will be another small gift of my favorite chocolates and maybe a rose or two. *sigh* What will happen? I'll be the first person up (as usual) get everyone else up, fix breakfast, clean the house and any other household chore, make my own breakfast, if the weather is nice throw the kids out of the house so I can get five minutes of peace while ironing and finishing up the laundry. That evening I'll make dinner and then clean that up, scoop the cat litter (for the second time that day) and stare at walls that NEED to be painted while waiting on my hubs to get home from work. We'll stop there. I like the Fantasy one better. *G*

Leslie Langtry said...

If I ever get a magic wand - I'd make all your fantasies come true! We all soooooo deserve it!

RK said...

Hmm, my PERFECT Mother's Day would start by my hubby presenting me first class plane ticket to Greece, where Pierce Brosnan, Patrick Dempsey, and Russell Crowe would meet me at the boat dock --we'd spend 24-hours on an island eating wonderful Greek food and dancing and singing to ABBA songs.

Then I'd zip across the globe to Singapore (where it'd still be MD), stay in a super lux hotel room (by myself), go shopping and eat street food and lie around on the beach with a good book.

Then I'd want a nice, long Jacuzzi and a glass of wine, followed by a nap before returning to home, kids and real life.

rashda

catslady said...

Well since this is fantasy - I wake up with Hugh Jackman saying happy mother's day :)

Christie Craig said...

LOL, Leslie!!

My fantasy Mother's Day?

To be done with all my deadlines. To have a long weekend at a Beach house.

CC

Liz! said...

My aunt said yesterday: "all I want for mother's day is to be left the hell alone."