Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Alpha Dog versus Alpha Mama

It happened a little over a month ago. And by “it,” I mean war. A war of wills, a war of power, a war over the Top-Dog title. I was stunned. I’ve never been one to walk around wearing my tiara. I do not particularly care for elitism. I’m perfectly happy with anyone being my equal. I actually prefer it that way. Ahh, but I learned the only thing I hate worse than someone attempting to bow down to me, is someone trying to make me bow down to them. And when that someone is a seventy-five pound dog, I have a big problem.

Rex, my son’s dog, has always exhibited a strong will and a mind of his own. I’ve always respected the fact that when he had his raw-hide bone, he didn’t want anyone to attempting to take it away from him. I sort of get that way when I have my Weight Watcher’s dessert. They are so small, and so good. I don’t want to share. And I’ve been known to growl if someone comes at me with a spoon when I’m trying to savor that tiny bit of heaven. (Just ask hubby or my son.)

However, the war wasn’t ignited over my Peanut Butter Cup sundae and not even over Rex’s bone. It was a bed. You see, the air conditioner went out in our house. My office, which is connected to the house, has a separate air conditioning unit. So while we waited to get a new a/c unit installed, hubby brought a mattress down and we slept in my study. My son happened to be out of town that week, so the arrangement worked out fine.

Rex slept on his doggy bed in the living room. But in the mornings, when I went to get coffee, Rex would storm into my office and snuggle up on the mattress with my hubby, the stand-in master, since his real master was out of town.

At first, I found it kind of funny that when I’d walk by the mattress and Rex would sort of growl at me as if to say… “This is the big dog’s bed.” But when his growl became a bit aggressive, it was no longer so funny or cute. Who did this animal think he was? Or better yet, who did he think I was?

Yes, I know that when he stands on his back legs, he’s over six feet tall, which means he was quite a bit taller than me. And having recently hit his one-year birthday, he considered himself a man. Oh, and because the two men in the household couldn’t bear the idea of removing Rex’s boys, Rex still had tons of testosterone running through his canine veins. A quick check on the Internet and I discovered that it was not uncommon for an unneutered dog to maintain a pack mentality and attempt to become the aggressor of the person he sees as the weakest link in the household.

Poor Rex hadn’t been around long enough to know the truth. Which is…When Mama isn’t happy, nobody’s happy! Plainly put, the Bitch is the queen of her doghouse, and you don’t piss off mama. We had a family meeting, excluding Rex, where I suggested Rex’s family jewels needed to be pickled and canned. You should have seen my two men, cupping their boys as if the mere mention caused them pain. Both son and hubby insisted that all Rex needed was some training. Not wanting to be the evil woman, I agreed to give the less evasive treatment a chance before the pickling began.

So son went and signed up Rex and his boys to Man’s Best Friend. Now, before he could go in for his intense training, he needed his last shot. So . . . off to the vet Hubby and Son went to get their manly dog his shot.

So picture the scene. Here’s Hubby and Son with their manly dog in a small vet’s office. In comes in a soft-spoken petite female vet. Can you guess what happened? Yup, Rex growled at her in an aggressive way as if to say… “Hey, me and my bros are hanging in here and you aren’t welcome.” She took one look at my two men and said, “That dog needs his balls pickled and canned.” Well, to be fair, she didn’t say it just like that, but it was close.

Now, since we’re using dog metaphors, can you imagine how my two men came home with their tails tucked between their legs when they had to tell me that . . . “Uh, the vet agreed with you.”

So the next day, poor Rex went under the knife. And when he came back, let’s just say he was a little shocked with what he left behind and what he brought with him. They had to put a cone collar around his neck to protect the incision. Now…still drugged when he came home, he didn’t seem to know where the collar began and ended. The poor dog couldn’t walk through the living room without getting caught on something. Son and I couldn’t help but chuckle.

Hubby didn’t think it was so funny. “Hey, he’s in pain. Don’t laugh at him.” Then he looked at Rex and said, “I know how you feel. She made me get a vasectomy.” Then he looked at my son and said, “Whatever you do, boy, don’t piss off your mama.”

So to summarize the outcome of this war, this battle of wills, let me give you the score. Alpha dog, zero. Alpha Mama, two. (Or if you consider Hubby’s comment, maybe I should say, Mama, four.) And after a few weeks when the testosterone is flushed out of Rex’s system, if he still exhibits any aggressive tendencies, he’s off to Man’s Best Friend. Hey . . . I’ll always respect his bone if he’ll respect my Peanut Butter Cup sundae. And I’ll forego wearing my tiara, but nobody growls as mama in her own home.

So, what about you guys? Any of you have pet trouble? Have you ever had a dog try to fight you for your Alpha title?



krisgils33 said...

our dog is a golden, so no real aggressiveness there. his boys are long gone and seeing the cone of shame made me remember how hilarious it was when our dog came home with one. he didn't like us laughing at him. he does still try to hump everybody though, which is pretty funny. we should probably get that fixed too, but it makes me laugh, so....

Alison said...

LOL! I still crack up when I see pics of my boys in their cones of shame!

My boxers lost their boys a long time ago too, not for aggressiveness, but for cosmetic reasons. I just didn't want to see their junk hanging out everyday. That probably makes me a bad dog-momma :-)

Kris one of my dogs has a humping problem too...he only directs it at my hubby, though. Not sure what's up with that, but atleast he knows better than to try that nonsense with me. Haha!

Terri Osburn said...

I think this should be the solution for every male who misbehaves. Heh.

My last dog was a Chow mix and I never did get him fixed. We lived on a farm and he had free reign. Being the territorial type, as Chows are, he had no problem letting strangers know when to get off his land. But he was never aggressive with us. In fact, when my kiddo was born (he was 1) he became her ever loving protector.

She could pull and tug on him, climging over his head. But if anyone touched her (including my mom) he'd growl. Made me feel good she was protected.

Bethany said...

Oh Christe, I laughed so hard...this was just what I needed when I got mad that the power blinked and made my internet go haywire. Thanks for putting the smile back on my face.

Remind me not to get on your bad side LOL

Keep laughing :-)

Donna Marie Rogers said...

I totally feel you on the Weight Watcher desserts. With only two in a box, those suckers are gold in my house...LOL NO ONE is allowed to touch momma's mocha fudge sundaes.

Thanks for yet another gut-busting laugh. That poor dog never stood a chance...LOL My Sassy is pretty agressive, but I think she's gender confused. I have to remind her of who's in charge on an almost daily basis.

Kristi said...

My dog is a Yorkie and a sweetheart, however my 13 yr old daughter is about to find out who the top dog is and she might not survive it.

Christie Craig said...


Ahh, they are funny, aren't they? The cone of shame?? I like that. Thanks for the chuckle.


Christie Craig said...


I don't see you as a bad doggy mama. I didn't like seeing the junk out there either. LOL.

And poor hubby and his humping issues. LOL.

Thanks for stopping in.


Christie Craig said...


I do love those canines. I swear, my granddog, the English Mastiff, is so wonderful with my granddaughter.

Thanks so much for stopping in.


Christie Craig said...


Don't worry, I don't neuter innocent victims. LOL.

Thanks for stopping in.


Christie Craig said...


I love the Mocha Fudge Sundae, too. And it will result in war if anyone comes tries to swipe a bite.

Thanks girl. I remember your dog looks almost like Rex too.


Christie Craig said...


I think it's illegal to neuter teens, but I've been tempted a time or two. LOL. Good luck winning the Alpha mama title.

Hang in there. Unlike the dogs, I think Teens outgrow it. Whether we survive it, is another issue.


Robin Kaye said...

Yeah, I'm definitely the alpha in our dog house too, both with the dogs and the kids, everyone says DH is nicer. He might be nicer, but I get things done. I had a 120 lb yellow lab who had more issues than Playboy but he never got aggressive--then again, I got him de-balled when he was a pup. He just rarely listened, and then only to me. Smart boy. I still miss him, I just don't miss the sandwiches and everything else he would eat when anyone else's back was turned, he figured out how to open the doggie gate and would eat his way through the pantry.

Stacey Joy Netzel said...

Way to show him who's Queen, Christie! :) Great post, as always.

Michele L. said...

Ha,ha! Hilarious! Never heard it called the 'Cone of Shame' before. Thanks for the laugh!

A.Y. Stratton said...

Christie, I loved your dog story! After our retriever spent one too many nights carousing with yet another "hot" terrier in the neighborhood and was "restrained" by our local peacekeepers (which involved $$$), I decided to get the dog fixed. Every time I mentioned the upcoming surgery, my husband winced. So I mentioned it a lot. Just for fun I tried different verbs to describe the process: whacked, hacked, lopped, etc. The dog got through the procedure just fine, but every time the four-legged pal trotted by my hubby, I swear they both shook their heads.

A.Y. Stratton said...

Christie, I loved your dog story! After our retriever spent one too many nights carousing with yet another "hot" terrier in the neighborhood and was "restrained" by our local peacekeepers (which involved $$$), I decided to get the dog fixed. Every time I mentioned the upcoming surgery, my husband winced. So I mentioned it a lot. Just for fun I tried different verbs to describe the process: whacked, hacked, lopped, etc. The dog got through the procedure just fine, but every time the four-legged pal trotted by my hubby, I swear they both shook their heads.

Tambra said...

Last year, Sparky Lionel Urban had his boys removed. It wasn't aggressiveness, it was the humping.
No cone of shame for him either. He also took most of his stitches out and suffered no problems from that.

He's a medium-sized terrier and the only time he's aggressive is when people walk down the street or car door slam.

Every male cupped themselves and said, "Pooooooor puppy." When they heard of Sparky Urban becoming a Neuterbilly.

My doggie feels better and the humping issue is resolved. Thank God.

Tambra (and Sparky Lionel Urban)

Loretta Wheeler said...

I'm late. Anyone still in here?:) I didn't have an alpha scenario with a dog, but I did have one with John's cat when we first married. Odd too, because I love animals, and especially cats.
She was a full blown Diva, and I'm sure somewhere under all that fur, she had a pair of solid brass b*lls.
I did win. Slammed on my Diva crown and offered to share some tough love.
She did wind up falling for me, so we shared the royal trappings. And of course, I fell for her too:) Big time:) She remains one of my most beloved.
Loved the story, and the laughter, Christie:)