Tuesday, August 02, 2011

Another Day at the Craig Household

And the winner is..... BoDaisy! Bodaisy, email me at christie (at) christie-craig.com

It’s Sunday and I sit here at my desk trying to decide how to approach this very real, personal-experience blog. This one is a little more difficult than most. Don’t worry, it’s not overly sad, so you won’t need a box of tissues. Although, I’m sure my son would love to know that you shed a tear for all his pain and suffering. And yes, there was a lot of that. Unfortunately, the chances are, any tears you may experience will be tears of mirth.

So what’s so difficult about writing this blog? Well, the first thing I always do when approaching a blog is to figure out the underlined message, the theme, or as my old sixth-grade English teacher would call it, the premise. And that’s a problem, because in my opinion this blog has four morals/messages/themes. And I’m not sure which one really is the main topic. So I’m going to ask for your help. After reading the post, tell me which one of the below themes best describe this story. Or even better, if you have a different one, let me know.

1. Warning: Never try this at home
2. Mama always knows best—when will they ever learn?
3. If you can laugh at it, you can live with it—or at least you can when the skin grows back.
4. Why the expression “Chapped Ass” has a whole new meaning now.

Now, before I really start the blog, I feel I should tell you that I only write this with my son’s permission. There just isn’t much he won’t tell you. And his sense of humor is no doubt in optimum working order. You’ve heard the acronym TMI, right? Well to my son (I’ll admit it, he may have inherited this trait—from his father, of course) he thinks it stands for: Tell Me Instantly.

Okay, now that I’ve built up your curiosity, let me explain. The story begins several months ago. My son had been experiencing some back pain. He found that heat helped soothe his sore muscles. One morning, I’m sipping my hot coffee, he walked into my office shirtless and wearing PJ bottoms. Now when I’m writing, it takes a good opening line to get my attention out of a story. And he had a pretty good one, “Mom, does this look bad?”

He turned around and I immediately saw a blister the size of a nickel on his back.

“What happened?”

“Heating pad,” he told me. “I fell asleep on it.” (Here is premise number one: Warning: Never try this at home.)

My mouth dropped open. “Good Lord, son. It has to be broken to get that hot. Throw it away!” (Premise number two: Mama knows best—will they ever learn?)

But did he listen to mom’s advice? Hell no. In his defense, it’s not all his fault. He was born with two serious ailments that led to this situation.

A: he’s a man. (This ailment is never going to change.)

B: he’s not quite out of the stage where he thinks everything his mom tells him is stupid, and some day mom will be forced to see this. (This ailment may change, but considering even this experience hasn’t made a load of difference, I’m not holding my breath.)

Anyway, back to the story. Let’s fast forward a week. I’m at my computer sipping my hot coffee and in walked my son, again shirtless and wearing PJ bottoms.

“Mom,” he said, “I hate to say it, but you might have been right.” Now this was an excellent opening line and I immediately gave him my full attention.

“About what?”

“The heating pad,” he said and frowned in what appeared to be pain.

I frowned back at him. “Turn around.”

He did and I didn’t see any nickel-sized blisters.

“I think you’re okay.”

He looked back at me over his shoulder. “I don’t think so. It’s not my back.” He reached his hand back and pointed downward.

Of course, I did what every loving, concerned parent would do. I started laughing. “You burnt your a$$?”

He nodded and smiled somewhat sheepishly. You gotta love that kid’s ability to smile in the face of pain.

Normally, I don’t ask to be mooned, but as I said, I’m a concerned parent. “Drop your drawers, buddy.”

Much to his credit, he flinched. “Do I have to?”

I give him the maternal stink eye.

“I’ve seen it before.”

He shot me the moms-are-idiots look and said, “You haven’t seen it in years. It might have changed. Gotten a lot prettier, of course.”

I rolled my eyes. “Just do it.”

He did it. Down came the PJ bottoms and I gave him my honest assessment and opinion, which was: “Holy Shit!” We’re not talking nickels anymore, people; we’re talking baseballs and both cheeks.

Now, for the sake of keeping this story from turning into a novel, let’s just jump forward to the emergency room.

“What’s the reason for your visit?” the attendant asked.

Hubby answered, “I’ve always said he was a pain the a$$, now he knows I’m right.” Yeah, hubby has a bit of a sense o f humor, too.

Now while there were some funny comments made about my son being unable to sit in the sitting room, let’s fast forward to when we actually see the good doctor whom I sure wished he’d called in sick that day.

Doctor said, “Pull your pants down.”

Son said, “Can I just open my mouth and say ‘Ahh?’”

Doctor said, “I have other patients.”

Son said, “Not like me you don’t. This one is going to be memorable—a highlight of your career. And by the way, it’s okay to laugh. My mom did.” He pulled down his pants, without succumbing to tears, which was amazing.

Doctor, a true professional, gave us a very intelligent assessment of the situation: “Holy shit!” (See, it wasn’t just me.)

Hubby said, “He’s a butt model, Doc. Please tell us his career isn’t over.” (Premise number 3: if you can laugh at it, you can live with it?)

The doc, obviously not a fan of the motto, said, “This is serious. Do you know what third degree burns mean?”

Son, who seldom does serious even when in extreme pain, and especially when he’s exposing his buttocks, said, “It means my mooning days are over ‘cause if I’m ever in lineup, they’ll know it was me.” That actually got a chuckle out of the doctor.

It also meant six weeks of wound therapy, and my son dropping his drawers to more women that he’d ever fantasized about.

It also meant my changing butt bandages for six weeks while desperately working on a deadline. So if my next book has a lot of a strange humor in it, you’ll know why.

And that concludes my story with the last underlined theme of: Why the expression “Chapped Ass” has a whole new meaning now.

So, what has been going on in your household? Anything exciting to share?

And today I have a very special contest. I’m giving away an ARC of Don’t Mess With Texas. That’s right, tell me which of the morals/messages/themes you feel better suited this story, or come up with a new one and one commenter will win an ARC of the first book in my Hotter in Texas series.



Rochelle@AFamilyofLooneys said...

LMAO oops sorry I guess your son can't laugh his ass off.
Wow your poor son. I like number for 4. It really does give a new meaning to Chapped Ass :-)

Kara C said...

LOL! And here I thought it was just my household who daily tested those themes (ok, your son gets to claim #4 as his very own).

I live with three males, at least two of which suffer from the 'he's male and he thinks everything mom says is stupid' disease. You have provided quite a community service here, just letting moms like me know we're not alone. Please thank your son for his sacrifice to the great good.

As for the best premise of today's blog, while all of themaree quite accurate, I think I'll add my own personal mantra to the mix because it really covers all the others, and fits every situation a mom of boys may find herself in. AT LEAST I'M NEVER BORED.

Alison said...

LOL! My house isn't nearly as exciting as yours! I don't have any kids yet, just a husband who finds great joy in scaring the sh*t out of me by jumping out at me when I least expect it. He finds it highly amusing!

I vote for theme...If you can laugh at it, you can live with it—or at least you can when the skin grows back. That's a great sense of humor to laugh when your ass ist that chapped!

krisgils33 said...

I've gotta go with giving "chapped ass" a whole new meaning. that was a very funny (and painful!) story.

Terri Osburn said...

My first reaction is to go with #2. (Okay, that's not my FIRST reaction when reading this blog. LOL!) But then I realized the real theme, which is pretty consistent across your blogs.

Only in the Craig house.

I hope he's better now. I'd say I feel his pain but I try not to lie. :)

Nina Cordoba said...

How about "If you can't take the heat, get off the dang hot pad!"

For some reason, this reminded me of a little girl from America's Funniest Home Videos years ago. She fell on her butt and was crying, then you could see the naughty gleam come into her eyes as she turned toward the parent holding the camera and asked,"Are you gonna kiss my ass?"

She must be related to your family somehow.

Ruth said...

I think I'll pick # 2 & 3. I sincerely feel his pain, I've been there- not burned on the a$$, but on the soles of my feet. Just as a warning- don't walk barefoot on hot concrete in Galveston visiting all the souvenir shops on the seawall in the summer and then try to drive a stick-shift car on the way home. Eggs aren't the only thing that can cook under the Texas sun. Just to show you the apple doesn't fall far from the tree- my second son decided to find out if his tongue really would stick to the copper pipe on the back of a refrigerator. It really was funny seeing him stuck to the pipe and unable to move. I'd like to blame it on my husbands genes but I don't think I can. Fortunately I think I've learned my lesson- but him-it's questionable.

Jo Anne said...

Owwee, poor Stevie. I'll have to go with 'ya gotta laugh at life,' as I've found that's the best way to get along. Thanks for the chuckle, Christie!!

Francyne said...

#2-Mama always knows best-when will they ever learn?
After that, there aren't any other possibilities.
And, to think, he was such a cute and smart little kid.

Meb Bryant said...

#2 since Mama knows best, and that's a$$ talk for poop. Your son sounds like a chip off the ol' block in the humor department, but a little shy in common sense.

Tell him: if it causes a burn, he outta learn! Seriously, I'm thankful he didn't go the way of OLD SMOKEY.


Sandy said...

I'm still laughing at your post.

I think your post should be labeled, There's Humor in Everything. lol

Suzan Harden said...

I think the real them is "Mom needs fodder for the blog."

I'm just glad we've been meeting at Jody's, or I'd have trouble looking Stevie in the face without cracking up. (And there's your token butt joke.)

Anonymous said...

Can I move in with you, Christie? Your household is much more entertaining than mine.

There is no way I could pick one theme over the other. They all apply here (much like the creme I'm sure you have to apply to your son's cheeks).

Thanks for the laugh!


Sarah S. said...

I'm a huge fan of the "if you can laugh at it, you can live with it" moral. I make it a goal to laugh at myself (and others of course) multiple times a day! It's no fun to be embarrassed about all the stupid things you do. When I have kids I hope they agree with that sentiment.

Loretta Wheeler said...

I vote for #2. That's the universal cure for almost everything:)...I was dubbed "The Mama" when my boys lived at home, and until they moved out, they pretty well listened to what I said..(or at least they APPEARED to listen;):)...
I think all the themes fit though. Maybe if you write them down and keep them nearby, you have easy fodder for several blogs?
I love your house-hold,Christie:)It's the best entertainment since All in the Family:)


Brandy said...

I, too, vote for number 2. Mom's are rarely listened to by men-in this case your son. Lesson learned, for now.

Bethany said...


You truly are a gem. Being able to laugh at oneself and problems is a real gift.

I think Mama Knows Best is a great theme, I also think Keeping Your Ass Out Of The Heat works, too.

Maybe he can't LMAO, but he sure BHMAO--Burned His Ass Off.

Keep smiling :-)

Bodaisy said...

I think I like all themes you presented as I have 2 kids one is 17 and one is 4! Yes they are 13 years apart and both boys.. I also have 3 cats and one dog and a 40yr old Husband. So to say I have experienced each of the themes you presented is an understatement. (not necessarily the "chapped ass" but I did have to hold my older Sons hand when he had a ingrown toenail removed because it was the worst pain EVER! Really, worst pain, try having a child coming out of your loins while calling the cops because your husband locked keys in your car and then have your friends crack jokes because your toasted from the drugs the nurses gave you.. Yes Sweetie that is pain!
My now 4yr old is the "opposite" child.. if you say don't climb on that, don't touch that it's hot, don't run with that, please stop that.. it REALLY mean's climb as far up as I can and then fall and say "ouch" I have a boo boo.. Oh! it's hot? well I HAVE to touch that.. Don't run? Ok.. I'll run faster especially if you have your hands full of groceries. Stop that?? oh ok that means in like 10 min right??
Now My Husband suffers from the disease "huh what did you say?". Yes folks this is a disease.. It never fails you say a complete paragraph all while the man is looking right at you and when your all done he says "huh? what did you say I didn't understand?!" Really?!
So to summarize, my house is full of chaos all the time, my hair may be a mess and I might wear to different color shoes to work (yes I did do that!) But overall at the end of the day we do laugh alot! I survive on that and the stories I get to share with my friends even those that found me hysterical in the most inappropriate times..

Refhater said...

I'd have to go with #3. Thanks for sharing!

Pamela said...

You know, one definition of insanity I heard was to do the same thing over and over again expecting a different result. :P Sad to say this sounds like something my dad would do, easily. Enjoyed the story, and I would agree with the others as #4 befits this story nicely.

Tori Lennox said...

Oh my gosh!!! ROFL!!!! Poor kid. LOL!

Diane_Holmes said...

There aren't many writer who can write from their real life. (I'm sitting in the Acura service, and all a$$e$ are suited-up.)

Love #4 and am proposing my own.

Shake your Owie Maker.
Hot Crossed Buns.
You're never too old to have a boo-boo on your BoBo.
Ass Catastrophes of Life.

Okay, so the cables to the battery are bad and will have to be replaced at over $200.00, plus won't be in for 3 days. Meanwhile, the new AAA battery is leaking acid and must be replaced.

Motto? While I brought my computer so I could get work done, I read Christie's blog on a$$e$ instead.

Love ya.

Christie Craig said...

Hi, Rochelle,

Yep. A totally new meaning to "Chapped Ass." lol.

Hi, KaraC,

Nope, it's not just your household. And I know that malady that is afflicting your sons. LOL.

Hi, Alison,

Any time you want to switch places, just let me know. Of course, on second thought, you may run away screaming from my crazy life. LOL.

Hi, krisgils,

Do you think Jr. will listen to me next time? LOL.

Hi, Terri,

He's much better now, thanks for asking.

Hi, Nina,

Oh, I love it! And I bet she's a long lost cousin or something, too. lol.

Hi, Ruth,

Oh, your poor feet! That is almost as bad as what happened to Jr. And yep, you can definitely see the family resemblance with your son. lol.

Thanks for dropping by and sharing, guys!


Christie Craig said...

Hi, JoAnne,

Thanks for the sympathy, girl. Much appreciated.

Hi, Francyne,

Who'd have thought Jr. would have turned out this way? Well, I did but that's because I know my family tree. lol.

Hi, Meb,

I think I may get him that saying on a tee-shirt. "If it causes a burn, he's gotta learn." lol.

Hi, Sandy,

Aww, thanks, girl.

Hi, Suzan,

I'm glad we've been meeting at Jody's, too. It's always great to see you guys!

Hi, Jenn,

I don't know if you really want to live in my house -- all that Craig Crazy could rub off on you. lol.

Hi, Sarah,

Love that philosophy, girl. It's what I live by, too.

Hi, Loretta,

You need to share your secret for getting your sons to listen to you. Or at least pretend to listen to you. lol.

Thanks for dropping by, guys. Much appreciated.


Christie Craig said...

Hi, Brandy,

Good point, girl. (And I like #2, too!)

Hi, Bethany,

Thanks, girl. I'll tell him about the BHAO. lol.

Hi, Bodaisy,

Girl, you had me laughing at your stories. Are you sure we're not cousins? lol.

Hi, Refhater and Tori,

It's so good to see you both here, and thanks for sharing your comments!

Hi, Pamela,

I use that expression all the time. Doesn't seem to stop me from repeating the same mistakes but I do get a chuckle out of it. :)

Hi, Diane,

Love your suggestions but, dayum, girl, those are some expensive battery cables. Hope it all turns out okay, and I'm sure it will if you just keep laughing.

Thank you all for stopping by.


Kima said...

Thank you, Christie, for giving the best laugh of my day! I'm leaning toward theme #2 just because Mama does know best, but #4 really seems to explain it all pretty much in one sentence.

Donna Marie Rogers said...

Your whole family is hilarious, Christie. The stories you people can tell at holiday dinners...LOL

What's scary is I sleep with a heating pad almost every night. It has auto shut-off, thank God, but I'm definitely going to think of this every night from now on.

I have to go with Mama always knows best... Because it's just so true, and if he'd have listened, he wouldn't have ended up with chapped a$$. *grin*

Hope you're keeping cool, Christie!

Unknown said...

The moral to this story has to be ALWAYS LISTEN TO MOM! I believe you son gets his humor from mom~

This reminds me of my son when he was young he put some tiger balm on his muscles and then went to the bathroom without washing his hands. Yes got it on his winney and was jumping around all over the house. Trip to the bath tub seem to help a little.

Linda Warren said...

I like - If you can laugh at it, you can live with it. But poor, poor son. What a trooper.

I'm trying not to laugh. Oh, what the heck.LOL

Kristi said...

LMAO! I love your family. Mom does know best, but I like #4 the best. Did you buy him a butt donut?

Christie Craig said...

Hi Kima,

You are welcome. We gotta keep laughing.


Watch out for that pad!


LOL! I can imagine your poor son!


He is a trooper. A special boy.


We're easy to love long distance. LOL. Thanks.


A.Y. Stratton said...

You're right. Your story makes my family seem truly normal, perhaps even average! Thanks for the laugh. I can't believe your son let you write about the, um, SIT-uation.
Thanks for the laughs!

Robin Kaye said...

Oh Christie, thanks for the laughs...I needed them. I'm going to make sure my son reads this. Maybe he'll learn something. Oh, and all apply equally. I can't just pick just one!

Robin :)