Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Leslie Langtry's Lovely Lady Lump, Part Deux



So, the orthopaedic (funny way to spell that) doctor I saw the other day told me I have a ganglion cyst. He took (well, his much lower paid assistant actually took) x-rays. I looked at them but didn't see anything. And yet it looks like my wrist is nine months pregnant with a space alien baby who wants to eat my brains - and probably already has started.


I asked if I could take the x-rays with me cuz it was really cool seeing my finger bones...but he said no. I told him that technically, since the photos were of me, and I did not remember signing a release form, the x-rays should be mine. I have a spot at home for them...right next to the wisdom teeth that inspired Dak to kill Gin's dental surgeon in GUNS WILL KEEP US TOGETHER.


Anyhooooo...


So the hump is much bigger. I think one of my kids might be in there. So the doc said it looks like a ganglion cyst and it needs to be drained...after they schedule - in the near future - a very expensive MRI (oh, and did I have any plates in my head or metal in my eyes before we begin?)


So I have this lump the size of New Jersey, and it hurts, and the doctor knows what it is, but wants me to have an expensive procedure first, and it HURTS. The doctor nods and walks away. So I look up photos of ganglion cysts on the web, because I am a sado masochist.


The needle they use looks very large.


Of course there are folk remedies too that literally dozens swear by. Sometimes, in places like rural Appalachia, they call this a Bible Cyst. Here's why....they would hold your hand down, cyst side up, and slam it hard with a Bible. Then you would swear a whole lot which made for ironic fun for the witnesses. The fluid would drain internally out of the cyst (because it exploded) and into your other tissues.


The very large needle is looking good now.


If anyone has a better, less painful or messy idea, please let me know.


The Assassin


18 comments:

Christie Craig said...

Leslie,

No remedies, but I had a ganglion cyst about ten years ago on top of my wrist. No needle, they actually operated on the little sucker.

Good luck.

CC

krisgils33 said...

I had several in my hand and it required surgery for removal. at the time, it ended a perfectly mediocre college gymnastics career. but I'm not bitter AND this is supposed to be about you. go for the full throttle surgery with removal of limbs, complete anethesia, and lots of groovy painkillers after the fact. that's my advice, but I'm not a doctor.

Linda Henderson said...

I had one on my wrist once and the doctor actually told me they used to slam books on them. I looked at him like he's lost his mind. Mine went away on it's own.

TerriOsburn said...

Never had one but now my wrist hurts reading about the cysty stuff and book slamming. Thanks for that.

Couldn't Mr. Assassin slice it open and drain it for you? Surely he's trained for that sort of thing...

Suzan Harden said...

I agree with krisgils33--drugs=good!

The other solution makes me so effing proud of my people-not.

Leslie Langtry said...

LOL! I LOVE Wednesdays and you guys! Just got the call they want to do the MRI at 6:45am tomorrow. Just thinking about being up and ready to go at that hour is depressing.

Leslie Langtry said...

I agree! Drugs are good! I am a proponent of having medically-induced comas now and then just to get some sleep!

Leslie Langtry said...

Teri, Believe me, if I let Mr. A. do it - he would. He's fascinated with medical stuff. He even drove extra slowly to the hospital for our first kid (30 miles away)in hopes he could deliver her himself. He actually asked the doctor if he could chew through the umbilical cord. Stupid, macho, special forces men...

TerriOsburn said...

I should have waited and check back here after lunch.

Leslie Langtry said...

Sorry Teri! I hadn't thought of that. He didn't, btw, if that helps.

Diane Kelly said...

Maybe my mind has gone into an odd place, but I'm wondering - if one were to slam one's ganglion cyst with a book, would the Bible really be the most appropriate book to use? Maybe the Bible was all they had back then when book-slamming was the height of modern medicine and the recommended remedy for cysts. These days, I'm thinking an encyclopedia might be good since they are large, outdated, and otherwise worthless. Twilight is pretty large, too. Gotta be a hardback version, though. Or-wouldn't this be ironic-use some type of handbook. Get it, HANDbook?
Hope the surgery goes well Leslie!!!

Donna Marie Rogers said...

I had a ganglion cyst on the top of my foot, and I smacked it myself after a suggestion from the nurse practitioner. But I think I hit a nerve cuz the top of my foot went numb for several months. Good news is it's back to normal & the cyst hasn't come back yet....LOL *fingers crossed*

catslady said...

My daughter had one of those and did the book thing and it worked for a while and came back and she did the book thing again (I'm thinking yours hurts more). I am guessing it will probably come back again and eventually she'll have to do something more permanent but here's hoping not.

Leslie Langtry said...

Diane, I wondered that too. I would guess in many houses, sadly, the Bible is the biggest book they have.

Leslie Langtry said...

So in the many cases where slamming it works, is it because the cyst is too afraid to come back?

Leslie Langtry said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Jana DeLeon said...

Remember my whole foot debacle - ganglion cyst. I've had it drained twice now and it comes back. I will have to schedule surgery before I run out of shoes I can wear.

Jenyfer Matthews said...

You know what's funny - in Egypt they give you all the xrays / MRIs / reports to KEEP even before you see the doctor - guess how much uproar and internet searching that causes before you see the actual doctor!?? If you have insurance to pay, just let them do their thing before you try the (good) book!