Tuesday, December 15, 2009

Ten Things a CC Heroine Would Never Say

WINNER! Catslady, your name came out of the hat. Send me your snail mail address at christie (at) christie-craig (dot) com

NEWS FLAHSH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You read my list of things a CC heroine would never say. Now come read my list of things a CC hero would never say. I'm giving away a book, too! http://freshfiction.com/page.php?id=2183

I'm also doing a double today. Drop by www.tjbsopinion.blogspot.com and read about how I feel about Christmas, the stress and the fun. I'm also doing a book giveaway there.

This blog was recently published over at Novelthoughts, but due to deadline haze, (this is a serious condition) I'm posting it here for my regular readers to enjoy. And I just know you guys are witty enough to come up a few more things that a romance herone will never say. So come on, let's have some fun, post away. One lucky person who leaves a witty saying will win a ten dollar gift certificate to Barnes & Noble.

Oh, oh, and if any of you haven't read my first book in the Divorced & Desperate series, Dorchester has put it on their stocking stuffer sale for a real bargin: $2.99. They also some other great books. But it ends on the the 16th, so pop over and check it out: http://www.dorchesterpub.com/Dorch/Genre.cfm?L1=2&L2=49

There’s a question I’ve been asked by several readers: Is there anything your heroines won’t say? Now, I think most of my readers mean that my heroines are a tad outspoken, but in a good way. At least I like to think that’s what they mean. Nevertheless, the question deserves answering. And the answer is a definite yes. There are things a Christie Craig (CC) romance heroine would never say. Here is a list of ten and for kicks I’m even going to tell you why they’d never say them.

1) “Hey, Mr. Hot-Stuff, are you looking for a doormat? If so, I’m your girl.”

Now my heroines appreciate a hunk, they even like the slightly macho types. But guys, don’t even think about leaving any footprints here. CC heroines own their own can of whoop-ass and they don’t hesitate to open it when needed. My gals are never doormats.

2) “Say what? You don’t want to wear a condom? Oh, that’s just dandy, I’m sure the 45 seconds of “not-quite” pleasure I’ll get from you is going to be worth raising your child alone and dealing with any STD you might be sharing.”

Okay, my heroines might say this, but it’s gonna be said in complete sarcasm and right before that can of whoop-ass comes out, because they know that any man who wouldn’t be eager to protect them, isn’t their hero.

3) “The shit has just hit the fan! Well, I guess it’s over now.”

A huge requirement for a CC heroine is to know how to wear a pair of rubber gloves and use a can of Lysol to remove any flying crap, because nothing, nothing gets in the way of my heroine’s goal. Sure she might have a weak moment, but if she needs that fan to blow, it’s gonna blow and if she doesn’t know how to take care of crap, she learns the moment that brown stuff hits the blades.

4) “You want me to do what? Kick my cat to the street because you don’t like him and he doesn’t like you? Well, you betcha, just let me lure him out the door with his catnip.”

Before I sign up a hero or heroine to work in a book, my cats and turtles have to give them the thumbs up. Any one, fictional or real, who can mistreat an animal is one step below the stuff that grows in public toilets.

5) “Don’t worry, I’m sure my sister lied when she said you copped a feel and suggested you two bump uglies. She’s no better than the tramp neighbor that lured you into checking her for ticks that time I walked in on you two.”

Now, most of my heroines know the bitter taste of betrayal from a man. They’ve been cheated on and done wrong, but they are not stupid. They know when it walks like a chicken, squawks like chicken, it’s time to ring its ever loving neck, remove its innards, and cook it until it doesn’t bleed anymore.

6) “Listen here, Mister, if you want to have some of this fine body and perfection, you’ll toe the line, do what I say, and consider yourself lucky.”

While my heroines eventually earn their sense of self-confidence, but no heroine of mine thinks she’s “all-that.” Women who think they walk on water, generally end up swimming with the sharks in a septic tank. Plus, perfection is downright boring. Give me a character who hates something about her body, who wishes her cup or pants size were a bit different, and you’ve given me someone I can relate to.

7) “You don’t like my hair, the cup equivalent of my girls, or my pants size? Don’t worry, that’s nothing that a trip to the saloon, a visit to the plastic surgeon, and a starvation diet can’t handle. Because while I love you just like you are, I completely understand that I need to change.”

While my heroines might want to change something about themselves, deep down they know that a man has to love them for themselves. If he wants Barbie in his bed, she’ll give him the one her brother microwaved with his popcorn when she was twelve.

8) “It’s okay if you continue to miss the spot, I’ll just practice faking it so I won’t hurt your ego. We all know sex is really all for men anyway.”

My heroines want, need and love a man’s touch. Ahh, but it has to be that special man. And if he needs directions, she’ll tattoo them on his ‘gear shift’ if she has to, but she’d done faking happiness and playing pretend.

9) “Would you please show me the place I’m supposed to throw in the towel, because my stud muffin just walked out of me, and I’m nothing without him.”

CC heroines really love their men. But even the dark moments I’m required to write at the end of my books (My editor forces me to write them.) these women know that they and they alone are responsible for their own happiness. Even when they’re certain that their man is gone, they pull their big girl panties up, strap their bras on the last hook, and keep going, because giving up isn’t an option.

10) “If it doesn’t come easy, it obviously doesn’t have my name on it. Because I only do easy.”

Romance heroines in general learn something that all of us need to know. Happily ever afters don’t come easy. My heroines are forced to defend themselves with singing fish, toilet tank lids, and tampons. They fight when they have to, they admit their mistakes when they’re wrong, and they forgive those deserving forgiveness. When these girls walk into the sunsets, they’ve earned it.

So there you have it. Ten things my romance heroines would never say and the reasons why. You guys are obviously romance readers, so today what I’d like to hear from you is what you think you’d never hear a romance heroine say.


TerriOsburn said...

I know what I never want to read a romance heroine saying ever again. (And fortunately this doesn't really pertain to contemps.)

"Oh my, are you sure that's going to fit?"

MsHellion said...

I do get a *little* tired of reading how big the hero is. If this were true, the entire island of England would have nothing but well-hung aristocracy. Mostly dukes.

Things I wouldn't want to hear a heroine say...

"You want to sleep with my best friend to make sure I'm the one? Why didn't you say so? Here's her number."

"Sure I want to have a threesome. Let me call my best friend." (Since you know threesomes only work with two girls and a guy, right? *eye roll*)

"Of course, I think you're right. You're always right. I don't know what I was thinking, suggesting you didn't know where we were going. The map must be wrong."

Anonymous said...

oh wow very clever lol
let see yours and com[pare it to my ex


catslady said...

I know they'll turn blue if you don't get any so of course I'll oblige you :)

Of course only I need to be a virgin, after all you should have a lot of practice - poor you.

Jane said...

Hi Christie,
You always make me laugh with. I, too, hope to never hear any heroine say the things on your list.

Chelsea B. said...

How 'bout "Oh, of course you can wear the obnoxious Hawaiian shirt you just had to buy last year on vacation, honey. What made you think I would say no?" Haha. You all know the ones I'm talking about....;-)

Virginia said...

Well, they told me you had a big one, but that's not much more then a small pickle! I know this is bad but its all I could think of.

Virginia said...

Just one more. I think I may need twizers for this one! I know my minds in the gutter.

Christie Craig said...


Okay, I'm laughing here.


Christie Craig said...


Are you saying that all Dukes aren't well-hung? LOL. Are you sure?


Christie Craig said...


Okay, that was too good!



Christie Craig said...


You know, I've never seen them turn blue either. LOL.


Christie Craig said...

Hi Jane,

Thanks so much for stopping in. CC

Christie Craig said...


Oh, yes, I know that shirt! LOL.


Christie Craig said...


I love 'em. And hey, I'm blaming the gutter comments on Terri, she started it. LOL.


TerriOsburn said...

I'm sure it'll come as no surprise that I've blamed for this sort of thing before.

robynl said...

I never want to have a heroine saying: "sure I'll go out for breakfast with you; how nice of you but could you wipe that lipstick off your collar and wash off the other woman's perfume smell before we go".


Anonymous said...

Oh, I love these!

Great blog, Christie!