Wednesday, December 16, 2009

All I Want For Christmas...

Dear Santa,


I'm not going to tell you how good I've been, I know you hear that all the time. Here's my Christmas List, and remember, I know how to kill people in very creative ways. You don't want to find a severed reindeer head in your bed, do you? Neither do I. This isn't the Godfather. What is WRONG with those people?


1) I want this:

That's right, an M203 Grenade Launcher. Could I get that tricked out with a nice mahogany case and green laser sights? There's this idiot who speeds on my street when kids are walking home from school. I need to teach him a lesson about how a Daewoo blows up.

Oh, and throw in the stud holding the launcher...just for fun.

2) A medically-induced coma. I am not kidding. I figure that's the only way I'm going to get any sleep. If you could throw in a Grey Goose Vodka IV, I'd be much obliged. If it's not too much to ask, I'm sure Terri O could use one too. Maybe we could share a room?

3) Painless, surgery-less liposuction. My husband has lost weight and buffed out over in Iraq. I'm going to need this before May. Throw in a neck lift and you'll never have to bring me another gift.

4) A snow-shovelling, carpet-vacuming robot who cooks like a native Italian and isn't afraid to use a LOT of cheese. Do I even have to explain this one? I didn't think so.

Oh, and world peace, duh.

Love,

The Assassin

11 comments:

TerriOsburn said...

You have NO IDEA how badly I need that. (Have I mentioned the company Christmas party for 100 that I plan ALONE is this Saturday?) Sharing a room would make it even better.

I'll take one of #4 too. Though I don't need the snow-shoveling so we'll throw in laundry-doing.

Good luck getting #1. Though I bet just getting the accessory (as in the carrier there) would be enough.

MERRY CHRISTMAS! (And thanks for thinking of me!)

Leslie Langtry said...

Don't you just hate office xmas parties? Has anyone ever been to a fun one that didn't involve blackmail the next day?

TerriOsburn said...

Last year I was maneuvering our newly hired COO across a five lane road at 2am because he was too drunk to walk. He's very nice to me. :)

Leslie Langtry said...

That is a definite perk!

Tori Lennox said...

I could really use a grenade launcher myself....

Leslie Langtry said...

I know, right? Think of all the things you could get accomplished with a grenade launcher slung across your back!

Brandy said...

I have idiots that speed up my street (where children play) all the time. I'm thinking number one minus the stud is looking pretty good to me too. (I have my own stud. *G*)

Jana DeLeon said...

I told you no peeking at my list - except for that whole snow thing.

Leslie Langtry said...

Brandy, what is it about a school zone that drives people to speed?
Jana, we were separated at birth, right?

Jana DeLeon said...

Yes, damn it - well at least share any reductions in size. :)

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