Monday, January 30, 2012

MAN THEORY - by Guest Blogger Vicki Batman (hosted by Killer Fictionista Diane Kelly)

I am thrilled to host one of my writing buddies, Vicki Batman, here at Killer Fiction today! Vicki's a hoot - you'll love her. Read on to find out her theories about some strange and wonderful creatures - men.

MAN THEORY by Vicki Batman

I showed the cover to my new short story collection to my men and they died laughing. I knew the title was funny, but that funny? They asked, "What do you know about men?"

A lot more than they think.

I come from a family of four girls. So, yeah, I didn't really-really know men. But lots of water has passed under the bridge, and here's some things I have observed over the years:

- men talk short
- snakes--what's the problem?
- smell good after a shower
- cars = speed
- shopping is for food and guns, athletic stuff, computer
- clean house???
- wash clothes when out of clean underwear
- meat, meat, meat
- what's wrong with what I'm wearing?
- love their pets
- action movie vs. romance -- uh, no contest
- socks are an accessory
- sleeves are for nose wiping

My quick short story, Man Theory, is about a geek who espouses his theory about love. Here's a fun excerpt:

"I have a theory about love.”

Ethan's statement knocked me from the proverbial mountain top. Eyeing him, I clapped my hand across my mouth to stifle a giggle.

From Day One at our new jobs at Prime Designs, Ethan and I had forged a friendship. I was the artsy-heartsy, emotional gal. Him--the technical, by-the-book pal. We ate an occasional dinner, watched a movie, whatever. Traded small gifts like coffee, a magazine, music. However, Ethan had never made an overture toward me.

Translated: Nothing intimate.

I'd said to myself, "Rats."

For work, we'd traveled to Colorado Springs to attend a workshop on web design innovations. After check-in, I'd joined him at the bridge crossing the lake to decide about lunch before the meetings commenced.

My six-one geek wearing rimless glasses, leaned against the railing, and stared into the sparkling blue waters of the high mountain lake, and the feathered fowl paddling by.

Have his feelings changed? I asked in disbelief, "R-really? A theory...about love?"

What have you discovered about your man/men?

When you add to the list, your name will be added in a drawing for a free ebook (be sure to include your email).

Vicki Batman is kicking back with a diet Coke and torturing a new set of characters by playing "what if?" Find her at: OR at:

Man Theory and Other Stories will be available February 1 thru Amazon and Barnes and Noble.


Diane Kelly said...

Good morning, all! So glad to have Vicki on the blog today. I love those man theories - so true!

Vicki Batman said...

Thanks, Diane, for hosting me.

I know it is early. What else can we add to our list?

Cynthia D'Alba said...

Funny. Here's a couple of Man Things I've observed:

Okay for them to arrange the package in public

The remote control is considered to be personal property

Can't wait to read other man facts today

Pat Dale said...

I'm a man so I guess I'd best keep my mouth shut. About man stuff, I mean. I could go on and on about woman stuff, but you gals already know about that. Don't you?
Anyway, funny stuff, Vicki!

Vicki Batman said...

Thanks, Cyndi, for adding to the list (and for correcting my url!)

Anonymous said...

I've discovered my husband would rather touch me than talk to me...he's a quiet sort of guy and would rather I sit on the couch and let him give me a back rub or foot rub instead of talking about his day.

Vicki Batman said...

Thanks, Pat, and someday we'll tackle woman stuff. How's that?

Vicki Batman said...

Tess, you have a keeper. I'd give anything for a foot rub.

Mine would rather read the paper than talk too.

Sheila Tenold said...

Hi Vicki! That is a great 'man' list. My man loves being Necessary. So much so he won't explain how he always fixes our ageing clothes dryer, our microwave, etc. He views his secret maintenance tricks as insurance I'll never dump him. And, he's darned cute too!

Sheila Tenold said...

Hi Vicki! That is a great 'man' list. My man loves being Necessary. So much so he won't explain how he always fixes our ageing clothes dryer, our microwave, etc. He views his secret maintenance tricks as insurance I'll never dump him. And, he's darned cute too!

Karen Cote said...

Vicki, it is just a treat to find you on any blog because I just know there will be humor and provocative content.

Loved, loved Man Theory and I highly recommend it to all. Very difficult task to put so much warmth and emotion in a compact environment and your abilities never cease to amaze.

Only you can take your work to the next level by coming here and having so much fun with it.

This was fun. Thank you for hosting such a delightful talent Diane. Great way to begin a Monday.

Liese said...

Explosions are necessary for it to be a good movie. The more TNT, the higher the rating.

Liz said...

"Remotay" is my man's not so secret girlfriend. She hides under the covers sometimes.

Men=simple creatures, yet fun to play with
handle with care

Judi said...

I love the premise of the book--and like all the comments. My husband is my romantic hero. His idea of a great nite is watching football with me curled up next to him--without my computer or Kindle in front of my face. He cooks Sunday dinners, buys me flowers for no reason, and calls me just to chat.
BUT he leaves shoes, dishes, socks, coats everywhere. Reading & movie choices include guns, racing cars, explosions and odd protagonists. He finds a million reason to interrupt me when I am writing--esp when the words are flowing.....

Vicki Batman said...

Hi Vicki:

I loved your article. I’m working on a similar, soon to be posted, blog post – Living with Men. Let me share one.

Men will never ask directions, ever. You can be lost, and go by a dozen gas stations, and they will continue to say, “I’ll find it.”

Shopping Corollary: Men will never ask a clerk where anything is; they’ll look up and down every aisle . If it’s not found, the store doesn’t sell it.

Take care, Barbara

Vicki Batman said...

Hi, Sheila: I like the being necessary and secret maintenance tricks. I wish he was for hire.

Hi, Karen: I'm blushing re Man Theory. Included also are "Ouch" and "Tommy and the Teacher."

Patricia said...

I had to literally teach my husband to communicate. He would rarely "share" and that was not the way I was going to exist in a relationship. It took years, but it worked.

Vicki Batman said...

Hi, Liese: I know! Action movies rock and I have to confess: I raised my boys on Indiana Jones, James Bond, Star Wars, and Bugs Bunny. Lots of action there.

Hi, Liz: Your man named his remote Remotay? LOLOL I love the secret girlfriend. Isn't it funny how they have to cradle her and when it accidentally changes, it's "Oh, sorry."

Hi, Judi: they leave stuff everywhere and can't see it-right?
(And right now I could tell lots of stories about mine and this scenario). Thanks for the compliment.

I had to learn to watch sports. Seriously.

Thanks, girls!

Vicki Batman said...

Hi, Patti: I sympathize. Men don't share like women.

So my youngest has moved out, the oldest is nearby and stops in rarely and Handsome is a workaholic. Where am I? I've found we talk when there's food involved.

And I told Handsome he has to become a girlfriend. LOLOL

Kelly L Lee said...

And we can't forget one of the most repeated phrases in all of "man" kind.

"Honey, have you seen my ______?"

Ugh!!!! :)

Can't wait to read Man Theory, Vicki!

Sarah S. said...

I have been married to my husband for almost 6 years now and a few things I've learned are that sports are going to be on 24-7 (unless of course I steal and hide the remote). Also dishes somehow never make it to the dishwasher. His reasoning is "I never had one growing up..." :)


Vicki Batman said...

Men, huh? Let's see...if you pick an item out of the Sears catalog, any old item will do, some man somewhere will want to have sex with it. Sad but true. (lol)

Jody Lebel

Vicki Batman said...

Hi, Kelly! I'm so glad you came by.

That is the phrase of all mankind.

Last year at RWA, I went to a class on men. She said men really see what's in front of them and that's why why a girl passes by, their eye follows because they saw her when she was in front of them.

Vicki Batman said...

Hi, Sarah S: Dishes never make it to the dishwasher. LOLOL.

I go around the house (or did until recently) and would pick up stuff in front of my men and say, "So that's where they are!!!"

Vicki Batman said...

Hi, Jody: So while I was going thru the catalog when I was a kid and coveting the toys, Dad was coveting a tool! LOLOL

And I think this "tool" thingy works for computer stuff too.

Leslie Langtry said...

Vicki - great post! I have one:
Allergic to Turn Signals.
Thanks for joining us today!

Vicki Batman said...

Hi, Leslie. Yours about turn signals is PERFECT! It's going on the list.

And I'm happy to be here. :)

kerribookwriter said...

Hi Vicki!

Love your list. My hubby is definitely on the "wash clothes when out of clean underwear" team. LOL

He's also on the "If I cook, you do the dishes and if you cook, you do the dishes" team! :-)


Vicki Batman said...

Hi, Keri: washing clothes...shaking head here. One young man I dated did work out of town a lot. I swear, he bought undies and socks and visited the cleaners for everything else. So when I visited his apartment for the first time, you can imagine the mountain I saw. Okay, it was so bad, I have been visibly imprinted for a lifetime. lolol

Thanks for stopping!

Sheila Seabrook said...

I've discovered my men LOVE to reach into the highest cupboards for me and pull out whatever I need. It makes them feel ... well, manly, I guess. :)

Your new story sounds fantastic, Vicki. I can't wait to read it!

Erin said...

Here's what I've discovered; took years. Men are not actually lazy. They don't not clean when there is a lady person around. What happens is they dust when they see dirt and do a good job. The lady person dusts so she doesn't see any dirt, which is the problem. :)

Vicki Batman said...

Hi, Sheila: Ah, the sweetness of them. But I'm thinking this comes under the "solve your problem" category. LOL

I can't wait to hear what you have to say about MTAOS. Let me know!!!

Hi, Erin: I'm dying laughing over here about the dusting. And am adding this to our list.

Thank you for stopping by!

Vicki Batman said...

Oops, forgot this one:

Hi, Barbara! And what is it with the direction thing? Having to have someone else (possibly a woman) solve their problem??? Or embarrassing.

Thank God, for GPS.

Liz Lipperman said...

Okay, no one's stated the obvious, so I'll do it.

Men puff up with pride when they pass gas and even rate them.

They call their guy friends derogatory names as a show of affection. "Hey, jerkoff, long time no see."

My husband would rather hand me a credit card than take me shopping.

The one thing that my hubby does every single day for every single meal--the dishes. I cook, he cleans up. I think I'll keep him, farts and all!!

Fun post, Vicki.

Cara Marsi said...

Vicki, I love that cover. I love your short stories. I can't wait to read "Man Theory." The excerpt is terrific.

Vicki Batman said...

Ms. Lipperman: Thanks for contributing these two important observations. I remember leaving the table at times because of potty humor.

And like I said, you want to go shopping with them, you buy guns, computer, athletic gear, and FOOD!

Hi, Cara: Thank you so much for liking my excerpt! You know I like my funny. oxoxox

Karilyn Bentley said...

Hi Vicki,
I loved reading your list and all the comments. If something breaks in our house, my hubby likes to take it apart and attempt to fix it before he'll consider buying a new one. Nine times out of ten he's successful.

Looking forward to reading your book!

Anonymous said...

I want that man that gives the back and foot massage. I don't mind doing the dishes, if I could find a man who cooks.

Vicki Batman said...

Hi, Karilyn: and your post gave me this one to add--No manual required. LOLOLOL

Hi, Kendra: I know!!! I want that guy too. Where is he?

Thanks, ladies for posting.

Vicki Batman said...

And here's a few observations to add to my list (thank you all):

- Allergic to turn signals.
- Remotay is the secret girlfriend.
- Fun to pay with.
- Pick anything from the Sears catalog and they'd be mighty friendly with it.
- Thank God for GPS.
- Okay to arrange package in public.
- The Secret Maintenance Trick is to be necessary.
- Dust when they see dust.
- Passing gas is a sporting event.
- Derogatory nicknames are a sign of affection.
- Go shopping???? Here's my card.
- No manual required.

Thank you for participating. The winner of the highly coveted Man Theory and Other Stories is......Ms. Cara Marsi!!!

Congratulations, Cara.

And thank you so much, Killer Fiction and Diane, for having me here. I'd love to have any of you come visit with me and the PP girls at Plotting Princesses.

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