Tuesday, January 13, 2009

My Doctor Called . . .




It was four days before Christmas and several weeks after my comprehensive doctor’s check up. You know, the check up where they take enough blood from you that could feed a whole family of vampires and a couple of vampire pets, and an occasional drop-in vampire visitor—who’s really hungry? Yup, when you’re in your forties, they like to put you through the ringer—I swear there’s a blood test for everything from hormones to hemorrhoids.

Hubby and I were in the grocery store doing a pre-holiday shopping trip when the call came in. He was making fun of me because I couldn’t reach the plastic bag dispenser and singing that Short People song.

“What do you do when I’m not here?” he teased reaching for his phone.

“I find someone nice enough to reach it, generally it’s someone who doesn’t poke fun at me.”

You know, the short jokes get old around here. He finally opens his phone, but the call had already gone to voice mail. He pushes some buttons to hear the message. I’m busy finding the perfect crown of broccoli, but when I glance up, I see hubby’s expression lose its teasing glint.

“What’s your new doctor’s name?” he asked.

“Why?” I toss some broccoli into my buggy.

“A Dr. Burns is trying to reach you.” Hubby hands me his cell phone and I listen to the message.

“This is Dr. Burns’ office, we’re trying to reach Christie Craig. Can you please have her return our call as soon as possible?” My mind starts naming off the different type of tests I’d had. The “what if” scenarios start forming. You know, the what if scenarios you don’t like thinking about, especially when you’re standing in the middle of the produce aisle in the grocery store and Jingle Bells is playing over the loud speaker.

Nevertheless, you know what I did, don’t you? I immediately hit redial. “Hi, this is Christie Craig, I’m Dr. Burns’ patient and I was asked to call.”

I’m asked to hold, assuming they’re pulling my chart. It seemed like forever, I watched a little ol’ lady go through the green beans, one at a time. Time. Precious time, I think. Another couple of younger ladies were comparing cucumbers and giggling. Cucumbers. Precious cucumbers. (Hey, when nervous, I get all sentimental about my salad favorite fixings.)

Hubby is staring at me, waiting, so concerned that he’s totally missing the humor at the cucumber section. And you know how men love cucumber humor.

Suddenly, I feel this isn’t the place to have this conversation with my doctor. And by “not the place” I’m not talking the grocery store, I’m talking about the particular aisle. So I motion to my hubby and push our cart to the candy aisle. Hey, if I’m gonna get bad news, I want chocolate close by.

I keep the phone tight to my ear, and stare at the Truffles and those specialty M&Ms. My heart is pumping. I envision the nurse reading over my charts and trying to figure out how to give me the bad news. Hey, writers are known for our overactive imaginations—and so are writer’s husbands if the look on his face is accurate. But forget him, heck, I’m already prepared to ask how much time I have left.

I roll my eyes and tell myself I’m being silly. I mean, how bad could the news be? Probably no worse than I finally came down with Diabetes. The gene runs rampant in our family. (Okay, maybe the candy aisle is the wrong place to be.)

I stare back at my husband who is staring at me. Then the nurse comes on the line. I listen carefully and shut the phone. Then I reach for a big bag of peanut M&Ms.

“What is it?” hubby asked. (Remember, he was giving me a hard time about being short.)

“The doctor needs me to come by her office.”

“Now?” he asked.

“No, but definitely before Christmas,” I tell him, sounding somber.

“Did she tell you what it was about?”

I nod, but don’t offer particulars. I only made him suffer for a couple of seconds, by then I couldn’t stop myself. I grinned, seriously I was giddy. I mean, who knew a call from my doctor could make my day. I was so envisioning bad news and instead . . .

“What’s it about?” my hubby demanded.

Smiling, I tell him. “The doctor bought a couple of my books to give away as Christmas gifts and wants me to autograph them.”

Hubby just stared and then he took away my peanut M&Ms. I never got them back, either.

Okay…that’s my call from my doctor. So . . . how is your New Year panning out? Are you holding tight to your New Year’s resolutions? I haven’t been really bad, but I could be better. So… I’m about to do my time on the torture machine. Anyone else having issues staying on track with the resolutions? Let me hear from you so I don’t think I’m talking to myself.

P.S. Thanks, Dr. Burns, for giving me a blog and for a way to get even with my hubby for his short jokes.






40 comments:

Loralee said...

This is so "you", Christie, it has to be true. Thanks for my morning chuckle. I only spit coffee once. And cheers, girlfriend, for having a doctor smart enough to pick your terrific books to give as gifts.

vickyb said...

O.M.G. What a hoot! Thank goodness it was that simple, but sheesh! Congratulations on finding a smart doctor.

Kate Douglas said...

Only you, Christie...I love the idea of getting the news in the candy section. Must remember it next time I get a call while shopping...you have a doctor with excellent reading taste!

Christie Craig said...

Loralee,

Girl, a few moments after it happened I looked at my husband and said. "I'm blogging about this!"

And yes, I think my doctor is pretty smart.

Thanks for stopping in.

CC

Christie Craig said...

Vickyb,

Thanks so much for stopping in. And yes, it was a hoot! A scary one for a few minutes, but it was worth it.

CC

Keri Ford said...

LOL! Too funny. Don't you hate those calls? I recently got a call from my doctor's office. I wasn't home, but they left a message:

"Hi, Keri. Can you give us a call back? We've got your test results in and we need to make some changes."

They left that on a Friday. I got it Saturday! I had ALL FREAKING WEEKEND to worry and fret over what the heck came up! I had so many tests run all at the same time it could have been any number of things.

Christie Craig said...

Kate,

I don't think there's a situtation that chocolate doesn't help solve.

Thanks so much for dropping in. I know you are up your eyebrows in deadlines. And congrats on your latest deals.

CC

Christie Craig said...

Keri,

I don't think doctors or even doctor's staff realize that the mere mention of "Doctor...with the message of call us back" leads to panicville.

Thanks for stopping in.

CC

Bookmobiler said...

“The doctor bought a couple of my books to give away as Christmas gifts and wants me to autograph them.”

"And yes, I think my doctor is pretty smart."

I agree he was smart to buy your books.

I think buying some to give as gifts is even smarter.

And asking you to autograph them is brilliant.

Unfortunately, calling you from his office during business hours without leaving an explanatory message was both very dumb and quite thoughtless.

The anxiety you and your husband suffered is only funny in hindsight.

I'm very glad it wasn't bad news.
Remember we have a deal. You can't die until after do.

Gemma Halliday said...

Ahahahaha! Serves hubby right. Lay off the short people!

~Gemma

Bookmobiler said...

"Remember we have a deal"

Arrgh!

Don't you just hate it when you click publish and discover you left something out.

I quess "I" just wasn't thinking!

Christie Craig said...

Bookmobiler,

Don't worry, I remember the deal. LOL.

In the doctor's defence, it was someone from the office that called and she never said it was about tests or test results. My mind took it there. And I think because the tests had been done weeks before and I'd gotten an everything looks fine notice, they didn't assume I would think it was the tests.

Thanks so much for posting.

CC

Christie Craig said...

Gemma,

You got that right.

CC

Christie Craig said...

Bookmobiler,

Dare I say I didn't miss the "I". I'm always leaving out words, so I guess I just put things in, too.

My biggest typo/goof, (Hey, I left out one letter) was on this blog when I wrote, "I didn't want to go public . . ." I left out the "L." Gemma, thank goodness, went in and tweaked it for me.

Thanks again Bookmobiler.

CC

Caroline said...

Great story, Christie! Thanks for sharing it and I'm very happy it turned out so well! Good Doctor!!

I've been staying on track with my resolutions this year because for Christmas I asked my hubby to make my treadmill into a treadmill desk. I'm loving it and doing lots of miles per day. My heart is happy, too!!

Thanks again,
~Caroline

Christie Craig said...

Caroline,

A treadmill desk. I like the sound of that.

Good for you for staying on track. Your heart loves you for it, too.

CC

Caroline said...

http://www.treadmill-desk.com/

Here is the link in case anyone wants to check it out. I'm addicted to mine. I do my e-mails and blogs in the morning while walking and that's all it takes. I use my laptop for writing.

I LOVE IT!

terrio said...

You had me on the edge of my seat there for a minute. And you are not that short. You're petite. Totally different.

Very happy to hear there was nothing to fret about. Though I might give that nurse a good talking to about what details she should include in a message like that.

Christie Craig said...

Caroline,

Thanks for that link. I'm going to go check it out.

CC

Christie Craig said...

Terrio,

I'm with you, I like petite better than short.

Thanks girl.

CC

Teri Thackston said...

Another excellent comedic situation from the Craig household. Love it!
Teri

Christie Craig said...

Teri,

Thanks for stopping in. And what can I say, life is never boring around these parts.

CC

Tori Lennox said...

LOL! Great story, Christie! But I can't believe the office called you that way for that! *g*

Christie Craig said...

Hi Tori,

Thanks for stopping in. It was funny when it was said and done. When I went to sign the books, I told Dr. Burns, which is a woman, what I had thought. We had a good laugh. I was just thrilled that she wanted to give my books away as gifts.

CC

Kristi said...

You scared me. I thought you were going to have bad news. I'm glad everything is ok.

I hear ya on the short jokes though because I'm 5'1.

Jana DeLeon said...

LOL Christie!!! A good call from a doctor - never a bad thing!

Christie Craig said...

Kristi,

I don't know why people think they can pick on short people.

And let me tell you, you'd feel tall standing next to me.

Thanks for stopping in.

CC

Christie Craig said...

Jana,

I can honestly say that's one of the best calls I've ever had from a doctor.

CC

Estella said...

There are still Christmas goodies around, so I'm having trouble being good and sticking to my goal to lose weight.

Refhater said...

LOL, I get calls from Doctors all the time. I'm a secretary in the local hospital's Rehab Department.

As for my new years "goals" I'm still holding strong. Went back on the diet and took off an additional 8 lbs. Still working on the finding a boyfriend one though. And totally wishing I had a dog like Fabio in your book to find one for me.

Glad you got a good call from your doc!

Christie Craig said...

Estella,

Throw those goodies away! I know it's hard, especially if you have others in the house who enjoy them. But if it's just you, or just you who eats them, give the goodies away to thin friends.

Yesterday, I had a girl scout come to my house trying to convince me that I needed a dozen boxes of Thin Mints. I personally think they should change the name of those cookies to Fat Mints. I love 'em! But I was good, and said thanks, but no thanks, and sent over to my neighbor who could use a few pounds.

Christie Craig said...

Refhater,

Girl, I'm so envious. You go girl.

And I believe you'll find that man.

I wish I could send you a Fabio to sniff a good one out for you, too. Keep trying girl. I think it's when we least expect it that we meet that someone special.

I know when I met my hubby, I was about ready for a man in my life as I was an infected hangnail.

Never, ever give up!!!

CC

Marie-Nicole Ryan said...

That's a wonderful story, Christie, and quite a relief. As a nurse and writer my imagination works doubletime.

Francyne said...

Funny, as usual. Only in the Craig household. No one mentioned their resolutions. Do you think it was a Freudian slip? I didn't make any...being perfect as I am. Christie, get up off the floor and quit laughing.

Christie Craig said...

Marie-Nicole,

I can imagine if I had more knowledge of medical issues, I'd be going hogwild "mentally" giving myself illnesses left and right.

It's like when I read a really dark romantic suspense, suddenly I'm watching for everyday people to grab a chain saw from their pocket and try to use it on me.

Thanks for stopping by.

CC

Christie Craig said...

Francyne,

Do you think maybe curbing the desire to tell those little white lies might have been a good resolution, for you? Okay...I'm totally teasing. As you friend, I can say you darn near perfect.

Thanks for visiting girl.

CC

Molly Evans said...

Christie,
smack your husband for me. I'm one of those under-tall people who is always having to have strangers in stores reach things for me.
This was a great story and I'm glad it turned out well.
Molly

Christie Craig said...

Molly,

I'll give him a good smack in the back of the head for you, too! He's over six feet so he couldn't understand.

Thanks for stopping in.

CC

Lucy said...

I'm disappointed in you Christie. NEVER tell you husband that it wasn't something serious until the candy is the car and opened so that he can't make you return it!!!!!

;-)

Christie Craig said...

Lucy,

I bow my head in shame. You are so right!!!

I will learn in time, I promise.

Thanks for stopping by.

CC