FIFTY SHADES OF KELLY GREEN - by Diane Kelly

My book club recently read Fifty Shades of Grey. We just had to see what all the hype was about.  Unfortunately, I have to admit that I stopped reading once I came across the word “butt plug.”  I have a pretty high "ick factor,” but that crossed my line. Not that I fault anyone who has read past that point, because some women in my group assured me the book got much better after that.

At any rate, I found the concept of the characters' sex contract interesting.  The contract stipulated the when and how of their physical interactions, as well as defining limits on certain behaviors.   I figured that maybe it would be a good idea for all couples to have such a contract so that neither party expends unnecessary time shaving or showering or putting fresh sheets on the bed if the answer is only going to be “not tonight, hon.”

Here’s the draft I have in mind for me and my hubby, taking into consideration the implied terms under which we have been functioning for the past two decades of our marriage.

Nookie Agreement

1.  No nookie within three hours after a large meal.

2.  No nookie if the Mavericks, Spurs, Cowboys, Dolphins, or Rangers are playing on ESPN.

3.  No nookie before 9:45 PM or after 10:00 PM.  Too busy beforehand, too tired afterward. You better move fast.

4.  No nookie if any movie starring Russell Crowe, George Clooney, Johnny Depp, or Simon Pegg is on TV.

5.  No nookie if I couldn’t get my “fat pants” zipped up that day.  Just hold me and tell me I’m pretty.

6.  One major household chore must be completed by the husband that day in order to earn nookie.  Major household chores include: lawn mowing, car washing, vacuuming the entire house, grocery shopping, completing three or more loads of laundry, or fixing something that’s broken so long as a tool is necessary (glue and tape don’t count – I could’ve done that myself). 

7.  Interaction will immediately cease if either party says the “safe” word. My “safe” word is “Did you remember to shut the garage door? One of these days someone is just going to walk right into this house and kill us all!  How many times do I have to remind you?  Sheesh!” The husband's safe word is Zzzzzz.

Got any additions to the contract to suggest?  We'd love to  hear them!  

Don't forget to enter my "Big Hair" contest!  Just send a photo of you with a big hairstyle or a big wig to diane@dianekelly.com and you could win a Barnes & Noble gift certificate, fun hair accessories, or a free copy of my June 26th release DEATH, TAXES, AND EXTRA-HOLD HAIRSPRAY.  Photos will be posted on my site.