Friday, February 22, 2008

The Pirates I Have Dated

Yes, I have dated pirates. Plural.

Of course there was the one legged man who, before completely blowing me off, instantly made me think of peg legs and salty seas. But, short limbed as he was, I’ll admit, he wasn’t really a pirate.

Then there was this actor that I used to see who was actually in the Pirates of the Caribbean movie. He rubbed dirty elbows with Johnny Depp for weeks, pillaging and plundering the set until the extras all swooned. And, while his acting was top notch, I have to be honest. He wasn’t a real pirate either. (Yep, that’s really him. Trust me, totally hottie before wardrobe and make-up got to him!)

But, there is a another pirate.

This guy writes to me online. His pictures and profile are so atrocious that I blow him off. He writes again. And again. Finally he catches me in a weak (and caffeine deprived) moment and I agree to meet him for coffee. I get there, get my latte, and wait for him to arrive. He’s late, he got lost, calls me for directions. Sigh. I talk him in and finally he walks in the door. And, wow, am I sorry I spent days blowing him off. He’s adorable! Beautiful blue eyes (you girls know what a sucker I am for those), great smile, and fit. I mean super fit. He looks like he likes the gym way more than I do. I’m getting kind of excited now.

The date goes well, and – miracle of miracles – he actually calls the next day! He’s free that night, do I wanna go out to a movie? Normally, I like at least one day’s notice so I can go buy a cute new pair of shoes for a hot date, but since I really want that second date with him, I agree. He shows up looking yummy, smells great, whisks me off to a movie where he holds my hand the whole time. (Hear that? That’s my little heart going pitter patter.) I’m really starting to like this guy.

After the movie instead of going straight home, we sit and talk for awhile. A long while. Like, deep soul searching talk. (Ohmigod, he’s cute and he has a soul! Score!) I’m starting to get excited. I’m picturing kisses at sunset, long nights holding hands under the stars, white tulle, lace, and baby’s breath bridal bouquets. (What can I say, I have a vivid imagination.) And just when I’m picturing how beautiful our blue-eyed children would be… the bomb drops.

As we’re sitting in the semi-darkness, total romantic mood simmering in the air, he turns to me, stares deep into my eyes and tells me… he’s a pirate.

A what, now?

At first, I’m thinking he’s kidding. Like, “Oh, watch out me lady, or I’ll plunder ya’.” I giggle.

But he’s got that deadpanned face. He’s totally serious.
He tells me, “No, I was actually a modern day pirate.”

Me, I’m still a little sure he’s kidding. (Seriously, he’s so cute. Please tell me he’s kidding!) I say, “So, did you have a parrot?” Haha.

He shakes his head. Still deadpanned. “No. I had guard dogs.” He proceeds to tell me about his days on the ocean, living in his boat with his two viscous dogs. About how he would sail up to yachts on the open sea and board them, guns drawn, then steal whatever he wanted and sail away. Oh. My. Freaking. God. He really is a pirate!

At this point, all pitter pattering has silenced, the only thing running through my head, “Help!Help!Help!” I do big exaggerated yawn. (Wow, is getting late or are you just a PIRATE?!) and beg off further confessions with a “got an early morning ahead”. Thankfully, Captain Sparrow gets the hint and takes me home.

If I don’t post next week, you know he came back, kidnapped me, and has made me his wench.

Pass the rum.

~Trigger Happy Halliday

P.S. Michele L. – You’ve won last week’s signed copy of Dreams & Desires Vol. 1! Email me with your mailing address and I’ll get it out to you ASAP. gemmahalliday at gmail dot com.

P.P.S. – Check out my new interview at Romance Novel TV:


Mrs. Pigglesworth said...

WOW! I never had any of the crazy adventures you've had when I was single lol. I am jealous lol Have a good weekend Gemma!

Gemma Halliday said...

Yeah, some of these I could do without! Lol! I like my pirates in animatronic form at Disneyland, thank you very much. :)


Anonymous said...

Gemma, OMGz!! I think this is the best date story yet. Where do you meet these guys? LOL.


terrio said...


Ok, we have a pirate blog and we joke about loving pirates but OMG! A real pirate? I could have lived with him living in his boat with two vicious dogs. Maybe even having bad bathing habits until he moved back to land. But stealing from people at gunpoint?!

Oh, hell no. LOL!

I have to send Hellion over here. She's going to die. You two need to swap date stories. Seriously.

Beth said...

Maybe I'm a little twisted but I find that kind of interesting... alright it's totally hot! Maybe it's because I'm trapped in the house for the 2nd day in a row with a sick little boy and it's gray and rainy outside but that guy actually sounds kinda cool to me. I mean I'm not too crazy about the stealing (it's in the bible after all) and someone could have gotten hurt with all the blazing guns... but still!!! A pirate! And totally cute too? With blue eyes? Oh give him a shot Gemma for all us house fraus who reek of vomit and have been married for half our lives. Do it! You'd make a great wench!

Gemma Halliday said...

Faye - I'm seriously considering that Millionaire Matchmaker show. Yeah, I need to find a new meeting place...


Gemma Halliday said...

Terrio - I know! I was sitting there listening to his story, thinking "okay, I can deal with this...okay, this is a little interesting... whoa - gunpoint? Ahnt, done.


Gemma Halliday said...

Beth - Oh, sorry about your little one!

I'll be honest - I did seriously consider if I could overlook the whole thievery thing. GORGEOUS blue eyes. And a great smile. And, I have worn out like three whole copies of Pirates of the Caribbean sighing over sexy Johnny.
But, yeah, the gunpoint thing? I’d always be looking over my shoulder to make sure he’s not after my pieces of eight. ;)


MsHellion said...

*ROTFLMAO* Yeah. Nice! I mean, I think I would have already been waiting for the ball to drop. But at least he's a bathing pirate. That's something, right?

MsHellion said...

Oh, he was already after your pieces of eight, Gemma. No doubt about that! *LOL*

Anonymous said...

Gemma, you should definitely contact that millionaire matchmaker show. I know I'd watch!


Estella said...

Gemma, this could only happen to you!

Keri Ford said...

I like Beth's idea! I walk around with my baby's slobber smeared across my husbands t-shirt that doesn't match my p.j. pants :)

You'd probably never have a boring date with the man! Course, it could be because you'd spend your time looking over your shoulder!

It's always easier to say that sounds like fun when somebody else on the line. What shocks me most is he told you that on the first date! If I was him, I'd wait to drop that bomb until the I loves you came, and then add a little, oh, by the way, have I ever told you....

catslady said...

I'm trying to figure out if he was bragging or so serious so soon he had to bare it all? I mean that's something he could have taken to the grave and never told - or at least I never would have. To tell you on the second date I'm thinking he thought that would be a turn on maybe??? I think you made the right decision. Who knows what else he might think is a good idea...

Angie Fox said...

See, he needed to get a few sunsets under his belt before he brought up the pirate thing. But seriously, Gemma, you need to write a book about your dating adventures. I'd be first in line to buy it.

Tori Lennox said...

OMG! I swear you have the most interesting life of anyone I've ever met online OR in person!

Kathy Bacus said...

OMG, you're on a streak, you are, girl.

And, Trigger Happy, I gotta ask. Did he pull the old 'Is there an 'X' on the seat of your pants? Because it appears that there's wond'rous booty buried underneath!' all-time best pirate pick up line on you? ;)

~Bullet Hole who is just finishing her own pirate parody--Calamity Jayne style~

Lucy said...

Too, too funny. I'm amazed that you're still willing to put yourself out there/through that after some of the "adventures" you've had dating.

Gemma Halliday said...

Is there an 'X' on the seat of your pants? Because it appears that there's wond'rous booty buried underneath.

ROFLMAO Kathy! Love it! Can't wait to read Tressa's high seas adventure!

Gemma Halliday said...

Yeah, about halfway through the conversation, I was starting to wonder why he was telling me, too. I mean, it had been a good date up until then, but it wasn't like he was putting a ring on my finger.
I think there was a little bragging and a little feeling me out to see if I was up for being his first mate next trip out. Sorry, I think the eye patch would clash with my heels.


Jenyfer Matthews said...

I think he was just bragging - and possibly making the whole thing up. Which once again just brings you back to "why?" What does he do NOW anyway? Maybe he was trying to make himself more intersting?

And yes, where do you find these guys??

Shelli Stevens said...

OMG Gemma, your life is better than fiction. I love it! I'm so...boring!

Hey, I got my books! Thank everyone and Leah :)

Minna said...

Oh, my. I have read things about these modern day pirates... Piracy sure isn't thing of the past! Hopefully he's a reformed pirate!

deseng said...

Wow Gemma! What an experience you had! My date life consisted of my husband asking me out to dance. After us dating for a half a year or more he proposed.

Have a great weekend! I am anxious to read what other funny stories you have up your sleeve!

Michele L.

Eden Bradley said...

“So, did you have a parrot?”
OMG!!! ROFL!!!!
You finally met a guy who one-ups the Bicycle Thief. What are the odds of that?
And OMG-you should totally go on Millionaire Matchmaker! I'd do it myself if I were single.
And OMG-how many times can I say 'OMG' in one post...?

R.G. ALEXANDER said...

LMAO! What a shame though. You know that reminds me of what my husband calls the "Oh" moment.
There you are, having an amazing conversation with someone who really seems to get you-when they are suddenly reminded of an experience they had as a child on their home planet of Pluto. You try to keep smiling though inside you're thinking "Oh. Oh, you're crazy. Okay." (or if he's telling the truth-Oh-you're a criminal lol)
However, for the record, I think if anyone could pull off looking fashionably awesome in an eyepatch-it would be you. ;)

Gemma Halliday said...

Aw, thanks, RG. :)

Yeah, Eden, when I told my mom about Mr. Pillage and Plunder she said, "Wow, I guess maybe the Bicycle Thief wasn't all that bad."


Crystal Jordan said...

Is it bad that I had the same first thought as your mother?

And, really, at least he told you on the second date. He could have waited until after the baby's breath bouquet.

Plus, you'd make a wonderful wench, Gemma!