Wednesday, February 13, 2008


I'll be the first person to admit, I'm a black belt word nerd. I love to see how people use them and misuse them. The other day, I was at a bookstore reading cover copy when I spotted this gem: "he would rather pay attention to blah blah blah (I can't remember exactly) than to his elegant balls." Of course, that made me wonder what elegant balls look like. Are they well-groomed and dressed for the occaision? Do they prefer a certain cologne? And exactly how elegant are his balls? What's the standard on judging this type of thing? I mean, it would have to be really subjective, right? One man's elegant balls may be another's neo-conservative balls. Then I realized that we weren't talking about testicles, but galas, fetes, that kind of thing. Well, that's just false advertising now isn't it?

Another case of false advertising came up at our Super Bowl party. I don't really follow sports so my friends were curious what team I'd root for. I didn't know anything about the Giants and Patriots but I told them that I would root for the Patriots. After the boos and hisses died down, I was asked why. I said the Giants were liars. It's fraud really, to claim they are giants when none of them are as big as Hagrid (and technically, he's only half-giant). If you're going to claim to be Giants - you should be a lot taller - I think. But that's only me. Maybe I'm reading too much into it.

That's probably why I'm back to eating real butter. I got so confused with the names they use on margarine these days. For example, "I Can't Believe It's Not Butter." So we're supposed to take someone's word for it that this crap tastes just like butter, but obviously according to the title isn't? And why is this person anonymous? Wouldn't it make sense to say if it's Oprah, that Oprah Can't Believe It's Not Butter? Which leaves me to believe that it's not Oprah, but some guy's second cousin who lives in his parent's basement - and he wasn't credible enough to proclaim that he thought it tasted just like butter - even though it isn't - so they just left it up to our imagination - and this is what someone like me comes up with. How screwed up is that?

I used to eat Shedd's Spread. But what the hell is that? Sure, they finally gave us a surname to pin it on, but I don't know of anyone famous named Shedd - unless it's the guy from Shedd Aquarium. Or maybe it's something they spread in a shedd. Okay, what do you find in a shedd? Tools? Chickens? Potting soil? Why would I want to eat something you spread on that? And the word "spread" doesn't even remotely imply any buttery goodness.

These are the thoughts that stream randomly through my brain as I begin to plot out the next book in the Bombay Series. And you just thought the books were strange...

The Assassin


Anonymous said...

Okay, I may have sprayed my monitor a little over the "elegant balls" comment. Funny, funny post, Leslie.


Hellie Sinclair said...

YEAH to the fourth book! Please, please, please let there be a loofah scene.

Jenyfer Matthews said...

I love love love to see signs with questionable phrasing - and I get more than my share where I live. Yes, I know that most of the problems are translation / second language issues but I still find them amusing. Like the menu at the five star hotel that was advertising a "crap station". Finally worked out they meant "crepe".

What a difference a couple of vowels make!

Anonymous said...

*snicker* You are a woman after my own heart, Leslie. I'm very thankful I didn't have any liquid in my mouth while reading this post. *g*

Christie Craig said...


Oh, I see a great plot brewing is what I see. You are on to something, make sure you don't lose that thought.

Well, that's the way my best idea come to life.

Thanks for the chuckle.

Crime Scene Christie

Keri Ford said...

I've always called it country crock because I wasn't sure how to pronounce shedd spread. Why are there 2 d's?

On a different note, your creative juices must be flowing!

Estella said...

I also call it Country Crock and I've used it for years.
I cracked up over the "elegant balls".

Terri Osburn said...

Country Crock girl here too. But it's easier to just say "get out the butter."

The *elegant balls* just made me think of the old AC/DC song. LOL! But I love the Giants one. Totally false advertising. Unless....nevermind.

Keri Ford said...

Off topic, sort of, but if you haven't tried it, you must try Country Crock's Churn Style next time you buy butter. That baby spreads over light bread right from the refrigerator! No holey bread!!!

Which actually I guess isn't off topic, because there's a hunk of false advertising for you. people spreading butter over light bread from a stick. Yeah right, not unless you lay it out two hours ahead of time!

Lucy said...

I had a similar "thought" process today in a meeting. They were discussing diabetes, who gets it and why sort of thing and they put up some statistics. It said X number of million people had diabetes and didn't know it. Well, my smartass self thought OUTLOUD (unfortunately) where did that number come from and if they know these people have it, why doesn't someone tell them? (I stumped the speaker...really, it was only intended as a thought but well, didn't stay a thought.) It's kind of like the census taking thing...they say that X number of people don't respond to it. Well, if they know that it can only be because they actually know how many people there are and if that's the case, what's the point of the census?

Anyway, funny post. :-)

Kathy Bacus said...

Funny, funny post, Leslie!

My all time favorite don't-want-to go-there phrase? 'His eyes were glued to her nipples.' The image this sentence conjured up had me rolling on the floor. I still giggle every time I hear it.

And yes. It came from a romance book.

~Bullet Hole Bacus~

catslady said...

And do you think the Patriots are really pariots lol!

catslady said...

Oh for goodness sake - and do you think I can really type!

becky hutchison said...

I know this is a late comment, but I couldn't resist. I too frequently see "prime rib au jus in it's own juice"...too funny.