Finding A Use For That Penis Drink Stirrer...Priceless!

Sgt. Assassin is still home! But I had to share this with you...my faithful minions. About a year ago, Sgt. A thought it would be the most amazing thing ever, to buy me a set of penis drink stirrers. Imagine the hilarity that ensued when family and friends found them in the silverware drawer! How about sticking them in martinis when my quieter friends are over? Apparently, I do get embarrassed.

As many of my followers know, every year we have to do a cake for Jack's Cub Scout Cake Auction. This year's theme was flight. Naturally, my idea of doing a rubber chicken cake was shot down. So we opted for an aircraft carrier. Easy, right? Long and rectangular with some toy planes slapped on it.

The first dilemma was gray frosting. And not just any gray, but gunmetal, Navy gray. I bought white frosting thinking I could just buy black food coloring. Guess what? There is no black food coloring. Huh. I was getting kind of desperate because Sgt. Assassin said there was "no way in hell" he was settling for a white or brown aircraft carrier. I was trying to figure out how many Sharpies I could crack open and mix with the frosting when my friend Michele stopped me and said I could get black frosting in a tube. It was a miracle...a Christmas miracle.

By the way, gray frosting, while pretty when mixing, is completely unappetizing. Just thought you should know.

So. After putting the cake together and frosting it, Sgt. A says, "You should do little black windows on the superstructure (which is an idiotic military term for "little building on an aircraft carrier)." I looked through every drawer I had to try to find something I could dab a block of black frosting onto the cake. Nothing seemed to work.

And then I found the penis drink stirrers. Voila.

And that's what I call, a "win-win."

The Assassin

Through Her Eyes

Well, it’s been a busy, busy week. I spent it with a very special person. She kept me busy, very busy. Ahh, but she’s an amazing and smart individual and for that reason I asked her to guest blog today. So, I hope you enjoy her eight tips/bits of wisdom. Please welcome Lily, my granddaughter.

Through my Eyes . . .






1. Sometimes poopy just happens . . . believe me, I know, but try not to fret too much.







2. I know we spend way too much time just running as fast as our little legs will take us,





But remember to take the time to smell a few flowers along the way.





3. Never underestimate the value of a good book!






4. Proper manners such as table etiquette is important . . .




But , sometimes you just gotta let lose and enjoy yourself!






5. Sometimes watching the world go by is a good thing!








6. No-No! No Pouting…No Whining. Just pull your big girl panties up and deal with it.






7. Hanging with people you love is a good thing!






8. Be Happy!






So. . . you see what I was doing all week. What did you guys do? Read any good books? Got any tips or bits of wisdom to share?

Sheer Stupidity

So last Wednesday, I threw out my back. No, that's not the stupid part - I was just getting out of my car after work, but as my allergies have been horrible and I've had respiratory problems, I've been sleeping upright for going on four weeks now. So my back is angry (like I'm not). So I pulled something right across the middle so bad that it hurt to even take shallow breaths. The next morning I could take shallow breaths, but not deep ones and had limited mobility of the back and neck, so I figured driving wasn't the best idea.

I'm working at my kitchen table and the dog starts going off. I don't think much of it because there's construction going on in my neighborhood and the Sheltie has ears like a bat. But he keeps it up and I hear noise at the front door, so I figure I'll check it out as the mail person likes to leave important things in clear sight and out in the open even if it's raining.

I open the front door and see that the contractors pouring a slab one lot away from mine have decided to plug their equipment into my electrical outlet by the front door. So I haven't slept good in weeks, am working on pain killers and if I hadn't happened to be at home that day (not the norm) I wouldn't have even known. I had an Exorcist moment.

I know the look on my face as I went stomping across the yard must have been evil because they all stopped working and looked scared. I led the conversation by yelling "Have you lost your ____ mind?" and finished with "I will call the police." They of course, pretended they had no idea what I was talking about, didn't know it was wrong, and most put on that blank face like they didn't understand English. Bullshit. They knew they were stealing and I was hacked!

So I called the corporate office for the homebuilder and got ahold of the VP of operations. The neighborhood construction foreman wasn't good enough because I needed someone who understood the words "legal liability." I spent a couple of minutes explaining my problem to the lady, who was rightfully horrified and hopefully the problem is solved.

But it leads to another question, which is how often has it happened already? Is my inability to lower my utility bill not due to rising cost, but the amount of cement mixers I'm paying to run? And why don't homebuilders install a switch INSIDE the house so that you can turn off power to the outside sockets? That would solve the problem. And while they're at it, I'd like a valve shut-off in the garage for my outside water spouts - which I've also caught people using. Bad enough you pay a ton of money in taxes to maintain those who can't or won't maintain themselves, but apparently, a lot of us may be paying for their utilities, too.

Then I hung up the phone just as the news gave this statement "Coming up next - the best place in your home to hide your valuables."

Well, not ANY MORE! Seriously? Every thief in Dallas now knows exactly where to look for all Channel 4 news watcher's valuables. (sigh)

The sheer stupidity!

Deadly DeLeon

Party time!

Guess what, guess what, guess what! Yesterday RWA (Romance Writers of America) announced its finalists for this year's RITA competition (think the Oscars of romance writing). Guess who got nominated? Okay, I know the suspense is killing you, so I'll just spill it... me! I'm totally in shock, but SCANDAL SHEET is up for a RITA for best novel with strong romantic elements. Woot, woot!!

The bad news: I had already decided that it just wasn't financially possible to attend the RWA conference (and award ceremony) this year. Nashville is one long expensive flight from California.

The good news: I hear kidneys are going for a great price on the black market. And I have two! I mean, who really needs two kidneys, right? That's just overkill. If I sold one... and maybe a small chunk of my liver... I might be able to make airfare...

I'll keep you posted on that front. In the meantime, it's party time! I've got cyber champagne, chocolates, and a very loud stereo. Who's in?

~Trigger Happy Halliday

March Madness

March Madness is upon us. In more ways than one. Rarely has the month of March been as hairy as this one. From basketball stunner upsets to 'historic' congressional action to record-breaking snowfalls and mid-March snow events, it's 'March Madness' on steroids.

First off, I'm still psyched from the University of Northern Iowa's awesome upset of Number One rated Kansas in the NCAA Basketball tournament. Picked by many to win the tourney, Kansas led the Panthers only once as UNI pulled off one of the biggests upsets in the history of basketball in the state of Iowa. I'm doubly thrilled since I attended UNI before joining the State Patrol. WAY TO GO PANTHERS! I'll be wearing purple and gold tomorrow when you take on Michigan State. Whoo hoo!

Then there's the winter that won't end. Just when you thought it was safe to go out of the house and see green rather than white, we get socked with 4-5 inches of new snow--enough to make it necessary to shovel again. As Charlie Brown so aptly puts it, 'Good Grief!'

Every year around this time I'm reminded that the year I was born (and no, I'm not divulging that information for your edification) there was such a bad snowstorm that my dad had to stop and put chains on his vehicle on the way to the hospital in a neighboring county in order for me to be born. You see, yesterday was my birthday. No snow, thank goodness.

It rained. And rained.

And I worked. In fact, I volunteered to work. The triplets have returned to college and birthdays when you are of a 'certain age', aren't as delightfully benign as they used to be. This year's General Assembly is winding down. March Madness is a definite understatement when it comes to the last days of the legislative session at the statehouse. Tons of character and stories ideas are generated via observation of our state government at work, that's for sure. Oh, the tales I'll tell...

Speaking of writing--and maintaining the madness of the month at overload levels--today is the day the nominations for the Romance Writers of America RITA and Golden Heart Awards are announced. As I type, calls are going out to published and unpublished writers fast and furiously and 'The Call' announcements are being posted all around cyberspace. As a former GH finalist, I know first-hand how thrilling today will be for the finalists who get the call. Congratulations to all those writers! Enjoy the moment!

Looks to me like March is coming in like a lion and going out the same way. What about you? Are you waiting for 'the call' or do you know someone who is a RITA or GH finalist?

How is your March shaping up? Any madness or share?

Good luck to those who are still waiting for a call!

And GO UNI PANTHERS!!!!

~Bullet Hole~

This Just In - Mr. Assassin - Home for Quickie

Okay, that's probably tacky. It was meant to be double entendre. My bad.

Last Friday night, Mr. Assassin came home for a 15 day tour of duty in the Midwest (or has he has referred to it - The Place Where Buildings Are Still Intact & You Can Buy Real Soap).

We met him at the airport with single-malt scotch and then the poor guy collapsed. I guess he'd been awake for 53 hours getting back to us.

Needless to say, not a whole hell of a lot has gotten done since then. That is why this is a very short blog. I've got, ahem, more stuff "not to do," and I need to get back to that.

So, until next week, my minions!

The (Very Happy & Very Tired) Assassin

Welcome Romantic Suspense Author Colleen Thompson!

Winner! Winner! Mindy you won a copy of Colleen's book. Please email me at Christie (@) christie-craig (.) com.

Today I have a surprise guest blogger, Colleen Thompson, a friend and a heck of a writer.

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Back cover blurb for Touch of Evil: Tight

The noose cuts off all air, leaving its victim struggling hopelessly against death. One by one, the members of a small town zydeco band are being murdered by a macabre killer.

Tight

Sheriff Justine Wofford is boxed in on all sides, investigating a series of gruesome hangings everyone else considers suicide. Hospitalized by a severe blow to the head, unable to remember the details of the attack, under fire from her own department, she reaches out to the man she's sworn to avoid at any cost.

Tight

Their affair was a close-kept secret, their bodies coming together with explosive heat even as she tried to maintain emotional distance. But now Justine can't stay away from Ross. Somehow, he's mixed up in this case and his hold on her is only getting tighter.

And now the interview:

CC: You write some pretty scary stuff, lady. So tell me, what really scares Colleen Thompson? Will a spider cause you to freak out? Or is it a man wearing plaid spandex that sends you over the edge?

CT: I've written about stabbings, stalkers, and deaths by bullet, noose, and asphyxiation with a breast implant (how's that for a warped sense of humor?) but what really scares the snot out of me? Clowns. To the point where I refused to see the new Alice in Wonderland movie because Johnny Depp's makeup reminds me of a clown's.

Also, I'm totally freaked out by The Burger King, who has this whole silent stalker vibe going. That gnome from Travelocity's a little suspect, too.

I read once that clowns, masks, and hairy Santa beards scare children because it prevents them from reading the facial expressions and therefore the intentions of these very strange big people. I am so down with that explanation.

CC: What is your favorite scene of Touch of Evil?

CT: The heroine, Sheriff Justine Wofford, is the widowed mother of an autistic, nine-year-old boy. The scene where you really see her tough chick facade give way to the same vulnerability all parents share, where she risks opening her heart to the hero, ER doctor Ross Bollinger, and trusting him with her scared, hurt child's safety, brings a lump to my throat every time I read it. And who doesn't fall in love with a hero who's good with kids and animals? *Sigh.*

CC: You do know that readers tend to believe that we write from the heart. That our plots and characters are really a glimpse of our personalities. Now I know, this basically means that I'm a nutjob. Unfortunately, most people who know me say this is true. But what does this say about you? Deep down are you a wanna be killer? Considering that I know you and actually spend some time with you, how you answer this question could affect our friendship!

CT: More than a penchant for violence, my books reflect my own fears of the world's violence reaching out and hurting those I love. Suspense fiction, including romantic suspense, gives both the readers and this author a "safe" way to exorcise these worries, with a virtual guarantee that things are going to work out as justice demands. In my world, children and pets come to no lasting harm, good people are eventually rewarded, and nogoodniks come to a very bad (but fitting) end. It's a lot more satisfying than a lot of real-world stories, and it helps me sleep a little better through the night.

And the main reason I'm good at scary is because I'm a real scaredy-cat myself. Case in point: my dog began barking maniacally while I was answering question #1, and I neearly convinced myself the Burger King was standing outside, staring into the window. *Shudder.*

CC: Can you tell us something about Colleen Thompson that no one else knows? Come on, dig deep, give us some juicy detail. My readers here love the juicy details.

CT: You mean giving up my clown/Burger King-phobia wasn't enough? Wow. Some people are so demanding. But since you're a friend, I'll share these fun facts:

• Although I set all my romantic suspense in Texas and currently live there, I was born and raised in New Jersey and still harbor traces of an accent. (Though I swear it's not as thick as Christie's 'Bama! Unless you make me really mad. Then I sound like one of the cast of The Sopranos.)
  
• While walking with my husband through home improvement stores, I often stop to exclaim, "Wow! That would make an awesome murder weapon!" Embarrassingly loudly, according to our son.
  
• I have a penchant for adopting and reforming dogs best described as three-time losers from various rescue organizations. Last few culprits have included a drywall-eating greyhound, a jealousy-biter, an escape artist, and a dog that demolished my bathroom after accidentally locking herself inside. In spite of this, I'm still happily married to my firefighter husband of twenty years plus.

CC: Thanks, Colleen for joining us at Killer Fiction today!

CT: Thanks so much for inviting me to drop by the blog! I enjoyed the visit!

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Today, I'm giving away a copy of Colleen's latest release, A Touch of Evil. Leave a post to be entered.

CC