I Forgot To Blog Today!

My bad! Mr. Assassin left and I crashed. I'm sorry. I have nothing! Give me a week and I'll be back to my dazzling, sparkling wit!

Yours,
The Assassin

The Art of Jabbering

Contest! Make sure you pop over to Wild, Wicked & Wacky and leave a comment to be entered in a drawing to win an ARC of Shut Up and Kiss Me.

It’s getting closer. Almost here. Yup, it’s almost time for the release of Shut Up and Kiss Me. Sure, it’s not set to hit the store shelves until May 25th, but about two months before due date, I always start getting anxious. I start hearing from a few reviewers who are reading the book, or booksellers who have been sent a copy of the ARC, and it’s like having false labor pains.

Anyway, I thought today I’d give you just a tiny little peek into the book, into my heroine, and a bit about the title, Shut Up and Kiss Me. You see, Shala Winters, my heroine in Shut Up is a bit of a jabberer, and guess what my hero can’t stand? Yup, you got it. Sky Gomez can’t stand a jabbering woman. In the book he states: He would walk uphill naked and barefoot through the snow and a bed of porcupine needles to avoid a jabbering woman. I bet you can figure out just how that works out for him too, can’t you? There is no uphill path with snow or porcupine needles. He just has to put up with her. Oh, and learns to do it very well.

The crazy thing is that while Shut Up and Kiss Me is the perfect title for the book, I had originally given the title to an earlier book and another heroine who had a habit of talking a wee bit much. So I guess you could say, I have a tendency to write about heroines who aren’t afraid to talk, or who have a tendency to talk before she thinks. Now, why I have so much insight into this character trait is beyond me. I can hear everyone who knows me cracking up right now, and even see a few of you rolling your eyes.

So, fine! I’ll admit it, I’m a bit of a talker, and the ol’ foot-in-the-mouth moment is something I’ve experienced once or twice, maybe a dozen times. Remember the blog about me stepping out into my backyard just in time to hear my next door neighbor, positioned on top of his CB radio antenna, yell down to my husband, “Hey, it works.” And I yelled back, “It should. It’s big enough.” Only to have my husband--after he finished laughing his butt off and after he picked his butt up from the ground--tell me they hadn’t been discussing the antenna, but my neighbor’s vasectomy. Yeah, I had my big toe stuck between my molars for a week on that one. And my neighbor walked a little taller every time he saw me, too. UGG!

Ahh, but when a jabberer isn’t picking her toenails from her teeth, the art of a socially-acceptable jabberer (meaning, they are also good listeners) is evident. Face it, jabberers know how to carry on a conversation and are talented in getting people to open up to them. You simply wouldn’t believe the stories people tell me. And to all you people who are rolling your eyes, you best remember I know a thing or two about your lifes, too. Sure, we’ve all heard the ol’ saying, silence is golden, but have you tried living through those awkward moments of silence? As a matter of fact, ask my hubby why he married me and he’ll tell you it’s because I was a talker. He actually loves my jabbering talent, and believe me when I say that Sky learns to love everything about Shala, too. And I mean, everything!

Oh, my friend and critique partner, Suzan Harden, is blogging/jabbering about Shut Up and Kiss Me at her blog today http://www.wildwickedwacky.blogspot.com/ and I have agreed to give away an ARC of Shut Up to one lucky poster on her blog. So make sure you visit and leave a comment.

I also want to give you all the heads up. On May 18th to celebrate the release of both Shut Up and Kiss Me and Wild, Wicked & Wanton: 101 Ways to Love Like You are in a Romance Novel, I’ll start holding weekly contests and giving away prizes to one lucky person who posts on my website. I will continue the contest until June 22. So make sure you mark your calendars.

So . . . what is your talent/gift/or bad habit? Are you known to jabber when nervous, upset, happy? Come on, share a little.

Happy Easter (a day late)

Had the big Easter do at my parents yesterday. It's not really a "big" do as there's only me, my parents, my bro and sil and my niece, but we sure do eat well - steaks, baked potato, salad, pie. Yum. My niece is five so we do the whole hide-the-eggs thing. Since her mom doesn't like her to eat a ton of candy, and I knew my mom would do the traditional Easter basket, I bought Easter shoes - two pairs of Skechers that feature a lot of pink. She really likes pink...and shoes. We're not related at all. :)

My brother knows some interesting people and usually has funny stories about them. He shared one yesterday that I thought I'd put "out there" as I can see people having some fun with this one - assuming they don't get arrested.

A guy had neighbors across the street with one of those portable basketball goals. They always left it in the street where it was difficult to get cars around or out of driveways. They played late into the night - loudly - and no amount of asking politely worked in toning it down. (sounds like most of the parents I know who don't care who their kids bother as long as it's not them - god forbid, the people who gave birth)

So the guy finally got fed up and listed the basketball goal on craigslist.com for free if someone would come pick it up. I know it's not right, but that is just funny. Unfortunately, the parents were there when the taker showed up and started loading the goal into his truck. They threatened to call the police, the taker showed them the craigslist ad, and the parents got the hint. Or they figured they won't always be at home, so they may need to actually parent their children or they might find their goal missing.

Same guy has a no soliciting sign on his house and came home one day to find a flier on his door. He was hacked because he has a sign, so he called the business (a cleaning business) and asked why they leave their garbage on his door when he clearly has a no soliciting sign. The woman got angry and told him off. So he hung up the phone, logged onto craigslist and posted an ad for "nude cleaning service" with all the woman's information.

I don't want to hack this guy off as he is quite happy with the craigslist trigger, but I still have to smile, especially after the SEVEN times my doorbell rang on Saturday when I was trying to work. It's SUPER aggravating.

If you like pranks on people - I have another link for you re. craigslist. This guy writes cl ad people and messes with them by email, then he posts the exchanges on his blog. Remember the old days when people did the phone pranks for radio stations? That's this guy with new technology. I get a charge out of him.

Emails from an A-hole

Deadly DeLeon

Must Like Dancing

Please welcome my fabulous friend and regular guest blogger, Maria Grazia Swan. Take it away, Maria...



Can you dance?

I’m not much of a dancer. Even in my younger years, I loved dancing cheek to cheek with whoever was the boy of the day (or night), but anything else, nope. Once I was married and stayed that way for 25 years, the dance subject meant nothing. Until lately. I’m trying to figure out what’s going on. Is there some kind of dance revival that I don’t know about? Is it because of Dancing with The Stars? Suddenly my friends are getting into dancing.

I’m still living in my huge house, the one I can no longer afford, but until it sells, I’m here. So, I invite friends to come and visit God knows where I’ll move to once this dream home is sold. Let’s enjoy while we can. I love people, and I love my friends even more. Until they ask me to take them dancing!
So a girlfriend visits from Texas. She is a little older than I am and she tells me she would like to go dancing on Saturday night. She even shows me the outfit, the shoes, the whole shebang she brought. I’m a little surprised, not in a good way, but before passing judgment, I decide I need more information.

“You wanna go dancing because you like to dance or because you hope to meet a man?”

“I love to dance,” she says, looking straight into my eyes. I’m guessing she is telling the truth. Now I’m stuck. Think, think.

While she is hanging up her clothes I grab “Calendar” an insert that comes weekly with the local paper. It carries a list of social events. I lock myself in the bathroom with my reading glasses and the Calendar. Thank God, I find something that sounds good and is on a decent side of town.

We spent most of Saturday shopping at local discounts stores, mostly at The Last Chance, Nordstrom’s ultimate outlet. It’s the only one of its kind in the states—that alone is worth a trip from Dallas. I’m secretly hoping she’ll be too tired to go dancing.

Wrong!

A little after 8, wearing our sparkly dresses, and enough bling bling to stock a hardware store, we get in my car and we go…dancing.

I could have been a total bitch and driven her to an Arthur Murray place. They dance there, don’t they? Instead I kept the illusion alive by taking her to a singles dance. I happen to know the organizer, not because I go the dances, but because as a Realtor, I represented the couple who bought his house. But my friend didn’t know that. We walk in and Mr. Organizer gave a big welcome and refused to take an entry fee from me or my friend. Score one! My Texas friend was totally impressed.

“You must be coming here often if they don’t even charge you for.”

“You said it.” See? I didn’t lie.

The rest of the evening was pure torture for me, but my friend had a ball.
She called last week and asked if she can come back to visit soon, if I haven’t sold my house, that is.

Need a house anyone?


~Maria Grazia Swan

Maria Grazia Swan is an author and motivational speaker who shares
relationship advice and guidance for women re-entering the social/dating
scene. Maria empowers and encourages single women to be bold, fearless, and
sexy in their pursuit of life and love after age 45. An award recipient from
the Women’s National Book Association, Swan is the author of Boomer Babes:
True Tales of Love and Lust in the Later Years (Leisure Books). Visit
http://www.mariagrazia.tv

They Don't Call Me Bullet Hole for Nothing...

A couple weeks ago my son was home from college to visit. We both love a good bargain and like to hit the area thrift shops from time to time to see what new and different things they have to offer. We were browsing at a local place (me in the books section, the kid in the furniture) when the kid hurried over to me.

"I've found a picture I think you're really going to like," he said.

"Right. It's that scary clown picture up front, isn't it?" I responded. (In case you've forgotten, I despise clowns.) Anyway, the kid shook his head.

"No, it's not the clown. But trust me, you'll love it!"

I winced. The last time he said these words he was trying to get me to try sushi.

I permitted myself to be led to the picture 'gallery'. And there it was:

For a whopping $7.99 I am now the proud owner of an original art work depicting a good old fashioned, blood and guts shoot-out on the steps of the Mohave State Bank, Arizona,, circa 1874.
I LOVE it! It fits right in with my set of John Wayne 'Courage' mugs, the roping saddle, and collection of western DVDs.
Does my kid know me or what?
Hope your April Food's Day includes some 'unexpected treasure' in addition to the pranks!
~Bullet Hole~

Finding A Use For That Penis Drink Stirrer...Priceless!

Sgt. Assassin is still home! But I had to share this with you...my faithful minions. About a year ago, Sgt. A thought it would be the most amazing thing ever, to buy me a set of penis drink stirrers. Imagine the hilarity that ensued when family and friends found them in the silverware drawer! How about sticking them in martinis when my quieter friends are over? Apparently, I do get embarrassed.

As many of my followers know, every year we have to do a cake for Jack's Cub Scout Cake Auction. This year's theme was flight. Naturally, my idea of doing a rubber chicken cake was shot down. So we opted for an aircraft carrier. Easy, right? Long and rectangular with some toy planes slapped on it.

The first dilemma was gray frosting. And not just any gray, but gunmetal, Navy gray. I bought white frosting thinking I could just buy black food coloring. Guess what? There is no black food coloring. Huh. I was getting kind of desperate because Sgt. Assassin said there was "no way in hell" he was settling for a white or brown aircraft carrier. I was trying to figure out how many Sharpies I could crack open and mix with the frosting when my friend Michele stopped me and said I could get black frosting in a tube. It was a miracle...a Christmas miracle.

By the way, gray frosting, while pretty when mixing, is completely unappetizing. Just thought you should know.

So. After putting the cake together and frosting it, Sgt. A says, "You should do little black windows on the superstructure (which is an idiotic military term for "little building on an aircraft carrier)." I looked through every drawer I had to try to find something I could dab a block of black frosting onto the cake. Nothing seemed to work.

And then I found the penis drink stirrers. Voila.

And that's what I call, a "win-win."

The Assassin

Through Her Eyes

Well, it’s been a busy, busy week. I spent it with a very special person. She kept me busy, very busy. Ahh, but she’s an amazing and smart individual and for that reason I asked her to guest blog today. So, I hope you enjoy her eight tips/bits of wisdom. Please welcome Lily, my granddaughter.

Through my Eyes . . .






1. Sometimes poopy just happens . . . believe me, I know, but try not to fret too much.







2. I know we spend way too much time just running as fast as our little legs will take us,





But remember to take the time to smell a few flowers along the way.





3. Never underestimate the value of a good book!






4. Proper manners such as table etiquette is important . . .




But , sometimes you just gotta let lose and enjoy yourself!






5. Sometimes watching the world go by is a good thing!








6. No-No! No Pouting…No Whining. Just pull your big girl panties up and deal with it.






7. Hanging with people you love is a good thing!






8. Be Happy!






So. . . you see what I was doing all week. What did you guys do? Read any good books? Got any tips or bits of wisdom to share?